Little Chance of Rain
by stripedheart
Summary: She was just a girl falling hopelessly and pointlessly, and probably painfully.
1. staplegunned

**i think this is the first fic i've written were i've actually had an ending in mind and knew what was going to happen...its kind of weird, lol. i got this idea when my cousin got married last weekend. i'm pretty sure i'm going to keep going, but you tell me. enjoy!**

**Chapter One: Staplegunned**

She wasn't really sure if she was supposed to be in here--this quiet, deserted, empty place; but she reasoned that since it was all those things, it would be ok. She stepped forward, over old piles of dust and long-left rusty chairs, things that told a history of squeaky clean floors and bright lights; neither of which remained. Grimy windows let in streaks of moonlight and she avoided them, feeling as if they would light something other than her skin, something she was trying to avoid. She didn't understand the feeling but she was so...quiet, at the moment, that she accepted it. There was a stage at the end of the long wooden floor and the left side had rotted away, collapsed upon itself. She aimed that way. She was moving on auto-pilot, because her brain was racing so fast that she wouldn't have remembered to breathe had she been in control of her body.

A stained white terrace wavered on the stage, faded fake leaves littered around it. Spencer sighed, looking up at it, and crossed her arms. She was starting to focus again. Some of the wilder thoughts that had fled through her brain were receding and the solid ones, the facts, were taking their place, a thousand times worse. She looked down to the ground, shifting on her feet. The crazy thing was, she was expecting tears; but they didn't come. She wanted them to. She didn't know which threw her more.

Spencer glanced up again and couldn't look at the stage anymore. Her eyes drifted to the walls and found a single chair standing upright. She walked over, slowly, and sat down. It wasn't until she leaned back against the seat that she realized how weak her legs were. Her arms were still crossed tightly over her chest and she crossed her legs as well. She felt closed into herself. She shut her eyes and tried to push out everything she had just witnessed. She could feel the tears coming and suddenly realized that she didn't really want them to come. She wanted control, she wanted to be able to recognize what was going on around her and the tears burning behind her eyes were breaking her control. Spencer forced her eyes open again, looking around the empy building with hazy sight.

A figure near the door caught her attention. The person was kind of hard to miss since she stood out in the dark and faded place, all light and beauty. Spencer looked away, trying desperately to push away the tears. She didn't want her to see the tears. The figure moved quickly, brushing through the dirt and grim, stepping into piles of dirt that Spencer had carefully avoided and sidestepping broken chairs. But the figure stopped suddenly in front of Spencer, her hands clutching her dress. She lingered in the corner of Spencer's eye. Spencer felt fingers on her chin, tilting her head up. She met dark brown eyes.

_Three Weeks Ago_

Spencer pinned her hair up, leaning over her sink and trying to get a tiny little strand that refused to stay behind her head. It hung down in front of her face, slightly curly and annoyingly stubborn. Spencer sighed softly. She wasn't one to get frustrated easily, but with her mother yelling at her about being on time and looking "stunning" -her words, not Spencer's- she was getting a little agitated.

"Spencer!" Her mom called from in the hall. "Are you ready? We can't be late!" Spencer met her own eyes in the mirror and crossed them, sticking her tongue out. Something about her mom always brought out the juvenile in her. It didn't matter that she was in her third years of college and had earned more awards in high school than she knew what to do with, her mom just got to her.

"I'm coming!" Spencer called back. She gave one last glance to her reflection, giving up on the golden hair that hung to the side of her face. Besides, if she really looked at it, it looked kind of cute-

"Spencer!" Her mom's voice cut into her thoughts. Spencer rolled her eyes and walked out of the bathroom, grabbing her clutch on the way. She was wearing a light yellow sundress and her hair- most of it- was pinned behind her head. She wasn't wearing much makeup, mainly because she looked kind of freakish when she wore any dramatic makeup with her fair-skinned, light-haired complexion. Her mom was standing at the end of the hall and she gave her a once-over when Spencer walked out of her bedroom. She sent a curt nod Spencer's way and headed out the door.

They were going to Paula's co-worker's daughter's bridal shower. Apparently, the co-worker, Christine, talked non-stop about her _gorgeous_, _brilliant_, _wonderful_ daughter. Spencer was pretty sure that this was probably in return to Paul's non-stop talk about _her,_ but Paula had taken offense to it. Christine's daughter visited every week at work and Paula had asked Spencer to do the same, merely to show Christine up. Spencer hadn't showed. And supposedly Christine and Paula were friends. Spencer didn't really see it. Anyway, Christine had asked Paula to bring Spencer to the shower, and Paula had forced Spencer, and here she was, slipping into the seat next to Paula and getting ready to drive off to a few hours of complete boredom.

She slouched a little in her seat and looked out the window. Paula glanced over at her. Spencer didn't so much see her, as know her. She sat back up before Paula had a chance to start a rant about her posture. Honestly, who cared? Her fingers absentmindedly traced the leather creases on the door.

"So, how's school lately?" Paula asked. Spencer had to repress a sigh.

Twenty minutes later they were cruising through a neighborhood of masion-like houses and gardens bursting with color. The Carlins weren't poor by any definition, but this was just plan wealthy. Paula's eyes were permanately wide, but she had stopped her comments about how she hadn't known Christine was this "endowed". They finally pulled up next to an especially large house and Paula cut the ignition. Spencer looked up at the towering house, all clear windows and red brick. Ivy crept up the sides and white shutters framed the windows. Warm sunlight streamed down around everything, almost as if the beauty of the neighborhood-as artifical as it was- made the sun shine a little stronger.

Paula got out first, without a word, and closed the door behind her. Spencer was quick to follow, slightly amused at how speechless her mother was. She reached up to tuck the strand of hair behind her ear, but forced her hand down. It only looked worse when she did that. They stopped in front of the door and Paula rang the door bell. She was straining with the present she held and she had shifted it in her arms to push the doorbell. It started to slide from her grip and Spencer quickly caught it. Her mother smiled tightly. She looked a bit stressed.

"Thank you." Paula said. The door opened to reveal an unsmiling older woman, as refined as she was cold. She regarded the Carlin women carefully and then employed a well-practiced smile.

"Welcome to Ashley Davies' bridal shower." She said, her voice clipped and pronounced. Paula offered her an identical smile, just as cold and uninviting.

"You must be Mrs. Banderson." Paula said, offering her hand. Mrs. Banderson took it and then turned to Spencer, who couldn't do anything but smile, her arms filled with the present. The woman regarded her suspiciously.

"Are you a friend of Ashley's?" She asked, pronouncing "Ashley" with just the tiniest hint of disdain. Spencer shook her head, her smile slipping from her face, and Paula cut in.

"No, I'm a co-worker of Christine's and this is my daughter." She supplied. Spencer was starting to wonder if the woman was ever going to let them in.

"Oh." The woman's expression didn't change, nor did her position in front of the door. There was the click-clack of heels behind her and a younger woman appeared at the door. She looked like the exact opposite of Mrs. Banderson. Her cheeks were flushed, eyes bright, and she wore a genuine smile that only widened when she saw the Carlins.

"Paula!" She exclaimed and opened her arms. She embraced Paula and pulled back, still smiling, to look at Spencer. "And you must be Spencer. I'm Christine. Your mom has told me so much about you." She leaned forward and hugged Spencer as well, present and all. "I can't wait for you to meet Ash." She waved her hands toward the door. "Come in, come in." They stepped past Mrs. Banderson, who was still by the door, still giving them suspicious glances. They had made it to the living room doorway when Christine realized the older lady wasn't behind them.

"Millicent? Are you coming?" The older woman shook her head firmly.

"I will wait here for the guests." Christine seemed a bit uncomfortable around "Millicent" and she only nodded, her smile faltering a bit. They continued through the the hallway and Christine turned to Paula, her smile returning.

"Sorry about that. Millicent is Paul's grandmother-Paul, Ashley's fiancee-and she's a bit odd." Christine seemed to shrug it off, her cheerful mood returning. "Anyway, we're all in the sunroom." She turned her attention to Spencer. "You are just as beautiful as your mother said! I can't wait for you to meet Ashley, you're going to get along so great!" She was still grinning when they walked into the sunroom.

It was filled with expensively dressed women, some older, some Spencer's age, a few teenagers. Now that Spencer thought about it, Chrsitine was dressed just expensively, if not more, but she carried herself in a way that said "look at my smile, not my clothes", so unlike the women that sat before Spencer. Their heads turned toward the newcomers, eyes already filled with disdain. Spencer braced herself. She was used to it, because of her mother's friends and their constant disapproval, but from a room full of strangers it was a little more disconcerting. She scanned the room for friendly faces, found a few, and then caught sight of a bent brunette-haired head. Christine was heading toward the girl and she turned back to Paula and Spencer.

"This is my daughter, Ashley." Her voice was filled with pride and love and Spencer studied the girl that could cause this in her mother. Ashley slowly picked her head up, looking to greet whoever stood in the sunroom. Her eyes met Spencer's, dark brown even from across the room, and Spencer felt her breath catch. After a few moments of awkward eye contac, she offered the brunette a shy smile. An almost teasing smile appeared on the girl's face and Spencer had to agree with Christine. Yes, this girl was beautiful.


	2. notice

**sry bout the extremely long wait but i was enjoying my last taste of summer before the dullness that is school starts back up again. im pretty sure i fell in love with the beach all over again.**

** oh, and when i wrote this i had no idea what ashley's mom's name was and i had read a story where her name was christine so i just named her that and then forgot to go back and find out what her real name was. maybe that is her real name. i don't know. whatever, i have no idea. anyway, enjoy!**

**Chapter Two: notice**

Ashley smiled as Ms. Ledden handed her a gift. It was forced, yeah, but Ms. Ledden didn't know that. This whole shower was just an excuse for Christine to meet her new family, since Ashley's friends were throwing her one the next night. Ashley already knew she didn't like any of Paul's relatives. Matter of fact, she wasn't all that partial to Paul at the moment. He could of warned her about his nazi grandmother. The woman had already insulted her fingernails, her shoes, and her _haircolor_.

Ashley pushed those thoughts away and focused on the wrapping paper before her. It was a big box.. and... it contained... a blender. _Great._ Ashley thought, intensely bored. She looked back up at Ms. Ledden and sent her a grateful smile. She wasn't all that bad, even if she didn't have the most creative taste in gifts. Ashley had learned to be fake polite after knowing Paul's family for only two weeks. It was their entire life, fake smiles and insincire words.

"Thank you so much. I'm sure this will come in handy." Ashley was handed another present, this time from some fake blonde that she didn't recognize. She smiled anway-she was getting tired of that-and looked down to open it. She was just getting the stubborn bow undone when she felt her mom's familair hand on her shoulder.

"This is my daughter, Ashley." Christine said, apparently to whoever had rang the doorbell a few moments ago. Ashley looked up slowly, preoccupied with the present in her hands and not too excited about another one of Paul's evil family members. But what she saw instead took her breath away. There was a gorgeous girl standing in her sunroom, her dress and hair matching the sunlight streaming into the room. She had bright blue eyes that Ashley found herself lost in. A shy smile reached the girl's lips and Ashley smiled back.

Her attention was distracted by the older woman standing next to the golden haired girl. She looked similar to her, only older and more...contained. She also smiled at Ashley, more confident.

"Hey." Ashley said, waiting for further introduction from Christine. If these people-if that girl- was related to her, that would really suck. Of course, if they were related to Paul that didn't make them much better. Ashley was pretty much screwed either way...then again, why should she care? She was engaged, to Paul.

"This is my co-worker, Paula, and her daughter, Spencer." Christine introduced them and Ashley felt a smile creep back onto her face. Thank god.

"Its nice to meet you." Ashley used some of that politeness she had learned last week.

"Its nice to meet you Ashely." The older woman replied. "Your mom had told me so much about you." Ashley glanced up at her mom and raised an eyebrow. By now the other guests had lost interest and they were breaking off into their own conversations, huddled and whispering, about her, Asley was sure. Christine blushed and shrugged. She nudged Ashley's shoulder.

"There's lots to talk about." Christine muttered. Ashley sent her mom a smile, but her attention was brought back to the blonde, Spencer. Behind Spencer and Paula, Mrs. Banderson, Paul's bitch of a grandmother, walked in with another guest. They looked almost identical and were chattering to each other, about her, Ashley was again sure. Mrs. Banderson stopped when she walked in and clapped her hands, twice.

"Lunch is being served in the dining hall." She announced.

"Ooh, the dining hall." Christine whispered in Ashley's ear. Ashley laughed, earning a disapproving glance from Mrs. Banderson. They followed the older lady through the doors, the guests behind them. Christine caught Paula on the way out and Ashley found herself walking next to Spencer. She smelled as gorgeous as she looked. Ashley turned to her and smiled.

"So, you're the Spencer my mom was telling me all about." Spencer blushed and rolled her eyes.

"Yeah, I'm sorry about that. My mom likes to talk about her family." Ashley's eyes were trained on the other girl and she couldn't seem to take them off. Their eyes met, for a few seconds longer than would have been polite, and both girls smiled, embarrassed to be caught looking. Spencer looked away first and Ashley cursed herself for flirting with a girl at her own bridal shower. She was getting married and here she was, crushing on a guest. Their conversation paused for a minute and both of them listened to their moms' animated talking in front of them.

"So..are you in school still?" Ashley asked.

"Yeah, I'm a junior right now at UCLA. What about you? Are you staying in school or..." Spencer trailed off, realizing it was a really rude question. She blushed. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean-" Ashley cut her off.

"No, its ok. I get that a lot. I finished school a year early. I should be a senior now." Spencer eyed Ashley with new curiousity, one that sprung from her mind and not from her overactive hormones. That this girl could be this gorgeous, and that brilliant was...well, sometimes God had favorites. Suddenly, Spencer wondered why Ashley was talking to her. There were about fifty guests around her, most of which would be related to Ashley in a week or so, and Ashley was talking to her, her mom's co-worker's daughter. Spencer looked around to see most of the other guests eyeing them suspiciously.

"Um..." Spencer trailed off. She didn't know this girl at all, certainly not well enough to tell her who she should talk to at her own bridal shower. But for some reason she felt really comfortable around Ashely. Ashley noticed her gaze wandering through the guests as they filed into the "dining hall".

"Uh, yeah, they're all evil." Ashley said frankly. Spencer turned to her, surprised and a little confused. She smiled and crinkled her eyebrows.

"What?" Ashley laughed and gestured to the room, which was getting louder with each person who walked in.

"My future family? They're all evil. Especially the women. That's why I'm not talking to them." Ashley had to lean closer and closer to Spencer with each word, as the noise level grew. She found herself only an inch from Spencer's ear, facing the girl's cheek. With her last word, she watched the tiny hairs on Spencer's ear sway with her breath.

"Oh." Spencer was unable to say anything else. Her ear tickled with Ashley's breath and goosebumps were rising up her neck. That was not good, not good at all. She stepped back, at the same time Ashley did. Their eyes met for a millisecond and an uncomfortable silence fell between them. Christine broke it. She was grinning, as usual.

"Its so great you're getting along! Spencer, come sit with me and Paula." She took Spencer's arm.

"I'm coming too." Ashley stated and started to follow them. Christine stopped and stepped in front of her.

"No, you have to eat at the head table." Christine warned. She knew her daughter better than Ashley did herself, and she could see Ashley crushing on Spencer. Better to break it up now then let it turn into anything.

"Then so do you." Ashley countered.

"I'm not getting married."

"You're not leaving me up there with those crazy, evil gold-diggers." Christine smiled.

"You'll fit right in." She joked. Ashley raised an eyebrow.

"So will you." It was playful banter, but there was an edgier unercurrent to it. Christine sighed and released Spencer's arm.

"Fine, but I get an entire wine bottle." She started toward the table, but stopped when Ashley didn't follow.

"How about Paula and Spencer sit with us?" Ashley suggested. Christine frowned, but couldn't think of a good enough reason to say no, so she shrugged.

"As long as you deal with Mrs. Banderson. That woman scares me." Spencer laughed and turned to Ashley, a playful smile on her face.

"And how do you know I'm not a crazy, evil gold-digger?" Ashley raised an eyebrow, smirking, and grasped Spencer right hand from where it was hanging by her side. She held it up between their bodies and watched goosebumps rise on Spencer's skin. They were identical on Ashley's hand. Ashley pretended to examine Spencer's hand.

"No jelwrey." Ashley grinned and slowly brought Spencer's hand back down and released it. Spencer's hand was still tingling, burning on the place where Ashley had touched her. She smiled shakily.

"Oh." That seemed to be her best form of communication with Ashley. Ashley stepped back, putting space between her and the gorgeous blonde. Chrsitine, who had been watching the entire scene, sighed wearliy.

"So, you wanna go eat?" Ashley asked. Spencer nodded.

"Yeah. What're we eating?"


	3. black cadillacs

**alright so i wrote this forever ago and then my computer broke. and then the library computer was retarded. and now, finally...it is up. and spencer has an attitude. oh, also, this song is by modest mouse and you probably shouldn't blare it in the car when you're taking your driving test. long story. enjoy!**

**Chapter Three: black cadillacs**

Spencer picked through her dessert, too stuffed from her lunch to even consider eating any more. She couldn't remember the last time she had laughed that much in one lunch. Or covertly flirted that much. They had spent the entire lunch pretending to get to know each other as friends, but had really been flirting with each other. At least, Spencer had, and it seemed like Ashley had been too, which didn't make any sense since Ashley was getting married, but maybe...Spencer let those thoughts trail off. It didn't really matter, she told herself, becuase Ashley was getting married and that wasn't going to change. Certainly, she wasn't going to change it.

Ashley had gone to the bathroom, and Spencer had been left to make small talk with the older woman who had been sitting on the other side of Ashley. She was prim and proper and Spencer thought she was adorable. Although she could see how she might get annoying.

"Did you know-" The woman leaned closer. She was so short that her chin almost brushed Ashley's cake. She raised her eyebrows. "-that Ashley is bisexual?" She said the word in a hushed, surprised tone, and Spencer smiled a little. The woman didn't seem disgusted like Spencer would have expected, merely shocked. Spencer shook her head.

"No, how did you know?" She asked. The old woman sat back, shaking her head.

"Heard it through the grapevine, honey. She tried to invite one of her ex-girlfriends to the wedding and Paul threw a _fit._ But that's life." Christine cut into the conversation. She had been accidentally eavesdropping and was not eager for that thread of gossip to be spread even more.

"Spencer, will you go find Ashley for me please? Tell her people are starting to leave and she needs to see them off." Spencer nodded. She sent a smile to the woman she had been talking to and pushed back her chair. She was winding her way through the tables, heading toward the bathroom, when a firm hand took hold of her wrist. She glanced down to see veined, pale fingers grasping her. She looked up to see Mrs. Banderson. Her heart was beating quickly in her chest, mainly from the surprise of being grabbed suddenly while she was walking.

Spencer met Mrs. Banderson's eyes evenly, waiting for the woman to let go of her. Finally, she did, but her firm gaze kept Spencer from walking off.

"How do you know Ashley?" She asked, her eyes studying Spencer's. Spencer frowned.

"I don't." She started to leave, but Mrs. Banderson's voice stopped her.

"Are you sure about that?" The older woman asked. Spencer turned to her, barely concealing her anger at this woman's suggestion. She seemed to think that Ashley and Spencer had been dating and Ashley had invited Spencer to her wedding. It wasn't so much the accusation, as the way it was presented. Spencer had a feeling that it hadn't been Paul who'd been angry at the invitation Ashley had sent to her ex.

"As if it were any of your business, yes, I am sure." Spencer stated. She walked off before Mrs. Banderson could say anything else. She was angry but when she stepped in the bathroom she tried to hide it. She still thought she didn't know Ashley well enough to say anything, but she _felt_ as if she could. She shut the door quietly. It was one of those huge bathrooms, with a shower and a jacuzzi and a small toilet in a tiny room. Spencer could hear Ashley's voice through the door to the toilet.

"I'm sorry, I just thought I could call you to talk abo-...Well that wasn't my fault, if your grandmother would jus-...Paul, I honestly didn't know, I'm sorr-...Yeah, bye." Ashley sounded defeated and Spencer couldn't imagine what she looked like right now. She had already become used to the cocky, flirty Ashley she had just eaten lunch with. This one sounded nothing like her.

The door opened quickly and Spencer watched Ashley walk out, sliding her phone into the pocket of her jeans. When she saw Spencer her eyes widened in surprise, revealing stark vunerability that surprised Spencer.

"Did you-that was just, uh..." She tried to come up with an excuse, but her mind was blank. Her eyes dropped from Spencer's and something about her shifted, a strong wall or a convincing mask coming up. She glanced back up, the gleam back in her eyes."What's up?" She swiftly changed the subject. Spencer paused for a second, trying to adjust to this sudden change in demeanor and conversation.

"Uh, your mom wants you to go say goodbye to everybody." She said awkwardly. Ashley rolled her eyes and walked over to the sink. She turned on the water.

"Well that'll be fun." She scrubbed her hands, looking up at Spencer in the mirror. Spencer wouldn't meet her eyes. "So...how'd you like lunch?" Ashley was desperately grasping for the comfortable conversation they had been in control of only ten minutes ago. She tried to erase her last conversation with Paul from her mind, but the confused and...concerned look on Spencer's face was branded behind her eyes. Finally, Spencer's light blue eyes met with Ashley's dark ones in the mirror.

"It was great." She stepped forward, bridging the gap between them in more ways than one. It was weird knowing such personal things about a person you had met only hours ago. Spencer more used to her mother's evasive answers and her brothers' "don't ask, don't tell" policies. She had learned more about Ashley over lunch than she knew about her own family her entire life. And, just as surprisingly, Spencer had opened up to Ashley as well. Maybe that saying about spilling your secrets to strangers was true. It was easier.

Spencer leaned against the sink next to Ashley. The bride-to-be glanced over at her. Something flashed through Ashley's eyes and she lifted a freshly dried hand to Spencer's face. She hesitated, for only a millisecond, but it was enough to show Spencer that this touch meant something more than friendship. Ashley's fingers found the stray piece of hair Spencer had been unable to pin up. She lifted it and tucked it under the pin at the back of Spencer's head. It stayed there, firmly pinned in place, and Ashley's fingers quickly dropped to her side. She smiled.

"Got it. Its been bugging me all lunch." She pushed away from the sink, and Spencer, and walked toward the door. Spencer stood still, the left side of her face tingling where Ashley had brushed it. Ashley looked back at her, a question in her eyes. But Spencer knew Ashley understood what she was doing to Spencer more than she showed. Spencer crossed the bathroom and passed Ashley, smiling quickly and trying to ignore the rush she felt when she passed so close to the older girl. This was crazy, flirting with a girl who was about to get married. Who did that? And what kind of bride flirted back?

They both stepped into the dining hall. Guests were picking up purses and heading slowly to the door. Ashley sighed and flashed Spencer a weary, apologetic smile. She headed toward the front door and Spencer turned to look for her mom. She found her sitting at a forlorn table with Christine, both women laughing almost hysterically. Spencer raised her eyebrows. She couldn't remember the last time her mom had looked so happy. Maybe the Davies women just had that effect on the Carlins. She headed over to the two women and sat down, unnoticed except for a breif smile sent by her mom. Paula and Christine kept talking and Spencer, out of the corner of her eye, kept watching Ashley at the front door.


	4. hands down

**Chapter Four: hands down**

Ashley finally said goodbye to the last woman to walk out her front door and shut it with two fingers. She turned and leaned against the door, shutting her eyes and sighing. She felt someone lean against the door next to her. She turned her head a fraction of an inch to see her mom mimicking her actions. Ashley smiled and turned back. She pushed herself off the door.

"You are _so_ funny Mom." Ashley said dryly. Spencer and Paula were standing in the foyer, looking the exact opposite of the Davies in front of them. They stood about a foot apart, awkward and uncomfortable. Ashley reached out and grabbed Spencer's hand. "We're going to look at wedding dresses." She said over her shoulder as she pulled Spencer up the stairs.

Below them, Christine sighed knowingly and Paula watched them curiously. Christine just hoped Ashley didn't do anything stupid.

"So, '78 merlot?" Chrsitine offered, smiling. Paula grinned.

"Of course."

Ashley flopped down on her bed. She studied Spencer from below and found she was gorgeous from every angle. She just had a couple more she wanted to try out...she shoved those thoughts into the farthest corner of her mind. Paul, marriage, Paul, marriage...Spencer. Ashley sighed.

"What happened to wedding dresses?" Spencer raised her eyebrows, pulling Ashley from her inner debate. Ashley groaned on the bed and covered her face.

"I have seen more of those than I ever needed to in my life. And they're all gorgeous. I have no idea how to pick one." Spencer smiled, but she looked uncomfortable in Ashley's huge bedroom. Her eyes flicked over the walls, taking in the black and white pictures of musicians, present and past, and the guitars handing from their pegs. She looked down at Ashley but made no move to sit down next to her.

"So, I take it you're a musician?" Spencer asked. She searched vainly for somewhere to sit down, but there was nothing but the bed and a wooden stool. She chose the stool, not sure if she could handle being next to Ashley on a bed. Not sure if she had a right to be nervous about it.

"Yeah, I play a little bit." Ashley sat up, leaning back on her hands. Spencer smiled and titled her head.

"That's what people say when they're really good." Ashley smiled back and traced the threads on her bedspread without looking at them. Spencer's eyes were drawn to the brunette's fingers, twisting and riding over the curves of the bed. Her thoughts turned south.

"I dunno, I just haven't had time for it lately, with the wedding and all." She looked wistful. Spencer stood up and lifted an acoustic guitar from its place on the wall. She walked over to Ashley and placed it in the girl's hands.

"Well, we have plenty of time right now." She smiled invitingly. Ashley smirked and strummed it once with her fingernails. She pointed to a bowl on a shelf.

"Grab me a pick and prepare to be swept." Spencer turned and grabbed a pick.

"Swept?" She asked, amused. She tossed the pick to Ashley. Ashley caught it deftly, sliding it through her fingers expertly. She smiled cheekily.

"Off your feet." Their eyes met for a second and Spencer realized she was already swept, as unbelieavable as it seemed. She glanced away, blushing despite her best efforts not to. Ashley noticed and, smiling to herself, glanced down at the guitar. She thought for a moment and then started the first song that came to mind. "_Breathe in for luck, breath in so deep. This air is blessed, you share with me." _

Specer told herself that it was just a song, didn't mean anything, but she felt something different. Something about the way Ashley's voice sounded. Ashley pulled her leg up, balancing the guitar better and glanced up at Spencer. She flashed a smile, then looked back down.

_"This night is wild so come indulge. These hearts they race, from self-control." _The room felt too small for them, like they were too close. Spencer watched Ashley's curly hair fall to the side of her face and had to remind herself that Ashley was taken. She kept trying to picture Ashley in a wedding dress, but it didn't help any.

_"Your lips are smooth, as they graze mine. We're doing, we're doing nothing at all.."_

Christine and Paula both paused, at the same time. They glanced upward, where the faint sound of a guitar and a someone singing could be heard. Paula shot Christine a questioning look.

"Shit." Christine said under her breath. She stood up, placing her wine glass down, and headed toward the stairs. "I'll be right back." She called over her shoulder as she hurried up the stairs.

_"My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me. So won't you kiss me, so I'll die happy." _Spencer caught Ashley's eyes across the room and felt her skin start to tingle. That familiar rush coursed through her body, setting her nerves on edge. She smiled shyly. Ashley's eyes sparkled, her nose crinkling with amusement. Her fingers played against the guitar, always moving. They hung in Spencer's eyes, those long muscian's fingers that she knew could do things no one else could. Her face was starting to flush.

_"My heart is your's to fill or burst. To break or bury. Or wear as jelwrey, whichever you prefer." _Christine walked into Ashley's bedroom quickly, halfway through the room before her feet stopped moving. Sure enough, Ashley was singing Dashboard to Spencer. Dahsboard, Ashley's classic seduction music. Spencer and Ashley's eyes were locked from across the room and Christine stepped between them, effectively and suddenly breaking the moment.

"Uh, Ashley, we have to, uh...go see your dad." Christine finished lamely. Spencer was startled, still not quite back into the real world. She looked up at Christine with wide eyes. Paula walked into the room as Christine finished that sentence.

"Oh, well uh...we'll just be going then." She said, sending Spencer a carefully disguised look. Spencer read it easily and stood up. Her eyes went back to Ashley's, almost instinctively going to the gorgeous brunette. She smiled and recieved an Ashley-sized smile in return. The other girl placed the guitar on the bed and stood. They were still wrapped up in their comfortable little world. Christine stepped between them before either could touch the other. She smiled awkwardly.

"Well, bye." Christine said, waving a little. She was trying to be a good mom, trying to keep Ashley from ruining her marriage-to-be. It was harder than it should have been.

"Well, bye." Spencer told Ashley around Christine.

_The words are hushed, Let's not get busted. Just lay entwined here, undiscovered._

Spencer tripped her fingers across the warm leather in the car. She watched them move in front of the dark window. She thought about Ashley's long muscian's fingers, the nails chipped and black. She thought about Ashley, the girl she had just met and just started crushing on. She thought about marriage.

"Do you have classes tomorrow?" Paula interrupted Spencer's train, or trains, of thought. Spencer glanced over at her mom.

"No, I'm still on vacation." Spencer said, then almost immeadiately regretted it. Her mom probably wanted to spend some "quality time" with her or something. Something that probably involved country clubs or charity work. "But, uh, I have to write a few papers." She added quickly.

"Oh, that's too bad, because Christine invited us to lunch with her and Ashley tomorrow." Spencer's eyes flicked over to her mom.

"Really?" She asked. She was more excited than she was surprised. Paula nodded.

"Yes, weren't you and Ashley getting along well tonight?" Spencer nodded.

"Yeah, she's nice." Spencer said. She turned her eyes back out the window.

_Safe in here from all the stupid questions. Hey did you get some? Man that is so dumb._

Spencer dropped her clutch onto her chair in her old bedroom. She flopped onto the bed, her eyes shutting and her mind turning to Ashley Davies. Ashely Davies and her wedding dresses and her Dashboard songs and her brown eyes. Spencer wondered if she only wanted the other girl because she couldn't have her. Because she was getting married. But she didn't think that was it. That was too easy.

A knock echoed on her door and Spencer sat up.

"Come in." She called, expecting her dad. Instead, Aiden Dennison stood there, a cocky smile on his face. "Aiden!" Spencer grinned, hopping off the bed to wrap herself around him. She pulled back and he handed her a deep red rose.

"Hey Spencer." He said, as she breathed the rose's scent in.

"Hey." She answered. He leaned down and she pulled him into a kiss.

_Stay quiet, stay near. Stay close, they can't hear. So we can get some._

They fell back on her bed, going through the familiar, comforting motions. Lips and tongues and skin all together. Clothes were being discarded when Spencer's phone rang loudly from the chair. Aiden pulled back, dark eyes questioning Spencer. She hurried to the phone and flipped it open.

"Hello?" She asked.

"Wow, so this _is_ a real number." Ashley's raspy voice came through the phone, faking surprise. Spencer grinnned.

"Of course it is."

_My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me. So won't you kill me, so I'll die happy. My heart is your's to fill or burst. To break or bury. Or wear as jelwrey, whichever you prefer._

From the bed, Aiden was eyeing her curiously.

"So are you coming to lunch tomorrow?" Ashley asked. Spencer shook her head, amused, and sat down on the chair.

"Is that all you called for?" She asked Ashley, ignoring Aiden's prying eyes.

_Hands down, this is the best day I can ever remember._

"Yep." Ashley paused. "And cause I was bored." She admitted. Spencer's smile widened. She couldn't seem to stop smiling whenever she was with or Ashley. Or speaking to Ashley. Aiden rose from the bed.

"I'll come back later." He said, a little rudely, and then stepped out the door. Spencer barely glanced up to watch him go.

_Always remember the sound of the stereo. The dim of the soft lights. The scent of your hair that you twirled round your finger. And the time on the clock when we realized slowly that this one thing we shared together._

Spencer slipped into easy conversation with Ashley. It was like they had never stepped away. Like they weren't miles apart and almost complete strangers. She could still see the beautiful girl sitting beside her, her nose crinkling with every laugh and every smile.

_The streets were wet. And the gate was locked. So I jumped it, and I let you in. _

Spencer sprawled back on her bed, forgetting that she and Aiden had been there only twenty minutes ago. Those twenty minutes had flown past, lost in the quick-witted conversation that flew between the two girls.

"And you know this why?"

_And you stood at the door with your hands on my waist. And you kissed me like you meant it. And I knew, that you meant it. _

"Because I'm brilliant."

_And I knew, that you meant it. _


	5. love and happiness

**wow, im kind of surprised that everyone likes this story, cause its not really a thought-out thing for me, i just kind of write whatever events seem natural. but whatever makes you happy! enjoy!**

**Chapter Five: love and happiness**

Spencer read the menu for the seventh time. Her eyes skimmed over the cursive letters, taking in the words that she had almost memorized by now. Ashley was late. Paula was sitting across from her in the booth, Christine beside the older woman. They were laughing, completley oblivious to pretty much everything. Spencer sat on the cool wood and read the menu.

Their waiter returned, also for about the seventh time and asked, for the seventh time, if they were ready to order. And, for the seventh time, they told him no. They were waiting for Ashley. He pursed his full lips in a manner that literally _screamed_ gay. His hip was cocked out, his pants too tight and his hair too perfect. Spencer smiled softly to herself, watching him sway off.

"She's not usually late." Christine said, biting her lip. Conversation had lulled and she was feeling guilty for her daughter. Paula shrugged and smiled.

"Its not a problem. Gives us more time to put a dent in this bottle!" Paula grinned widely with those words and gestured at the half-empty bottle of red wine sitting between them. Spencer realized why her mother and Christine had been laughing so much. A smile crept up her face and she lightly shook her head. It was just like her socialite mother to be drinking at an one o'clock lunch.

Spencer felt a warm hand land on her bare shoulder. There was barely any pressure on her skin, but she felt goosebumps rise anyway. Or maybe that's why they rose so quickly. She turned her head and flicked her eyes up to see Ashley looking down at her. The girl's soft hands, those muscian's fingers, were wrapped around Spencer's shoulder.

"Hey." Ashley smiled foolishly, her hand still resting on Spencer's shoulder. Her nose crinkled under the brightness of her grin.

"Hey." Spencer echoed happily, staring into Ashley's deep brown eyes. A smile grew on her face as well, matching Ashley's watt for watt.

"Hey Ashley!" Paula's slightly intoxicated, overly welcoming greeting cut into the two girl's gaze. Ashley's eyes flicked away, but Spencer kept her gaze on the brunette. She let her eyes drift over Ashley's curved jaw and down her smooth neck. Slowly, she continued their path down, edging toward forbidden territory.

"Spencer, scoot over a little bit. Ashley, sit down." Christine interrupted Spencer's gaze, which was lingering, nervously, just above the line of Ashley's sundress. Spencer could smell the soft scent she recognized from yesterday, musky and sun-warm and Ashley. Spencer tore her eyes away guiltily and followed Christine's directions, moving to the far end of the booth. Ashley slid in beside her, bumping their thighs together. Neither one bothered to move apart. Their knees bumped slightly, bare skin against bare skin and Spencer kept her's pressed against Ashley's. She knew it was wrong, she did. She just couldn't make herself move away.

"So, what are you ordering?" Paula asked Spencer, taking another sip of her wine.

"Uh.." Spencer paused, then reached over and started reading the menu again. For the eigth time. The truth was, her eyes may have been looking at the menu only minutes before, but they had been seeing Ashley. "Just a salad I guess." Spencer said, placing the menu back. Ashley scooped it up and scanned it.

"I'm getting a steak. Medium rare. And steak fries to go with my steak." She smiled and rose her eyebrows in Spencer's direction. "Yum." Spencer smiled at the other girl, their eyes meeting for a millisecond. It didn't seem right to be touching like that and looking at each other with the same feelings. Their waiter appeared suddenly, sashsaying up to their table. He grinned when he saw the second brunette now in the booth.

"_Now_ are you ready to order?" He asked, his eyes flicking around the table.

"Yes." Paula answered. The usually easily-annoyed Mrs. Carlin had too much wine in her system to react. "I would like a house salad please."

"The same." Christine added. She handed her menu over to the waiter, along with Paula's.

"I'd like a garden salad." Spencer added, meeting the waiter's unbeliavably blue eyes for a moment. He flashed her a genuine smile, then turned his eyes to Ashley.

"Steak and steak fries. And a coke please." She said, handing him her menu. He grinned.

"Now that's my kind of girl!" He exclaimed, scribbling down the order. He flashed another grin and swirled away.

"I'm going to the ladies' room." Paula announced as he left. She slid out of the booth and took a second to steady herself before walking-or swaying- to the bathroom. Once she was gone, Spencer relaxed a bit. She didn't know what it was about her mother, but every time she was around, Spencer was a bit more uptight.

"So, our waiter..." Spencer let the sentence hang.

"So gay!" Christine and Ashley both said, grinning. They laughed.

"Wow. I know." Spencer said, still grinning.

"And your mom..." Ashley let the sentence hang as well. It was kind of touchy territory. But Spencer only grinned and shook her head.

"She had little bit too much to drink." Spencer admitted freely, still smiling. Christine held up her only half-empty glass. Then, she pointed to the almost empty bottle beside her.

"This is only my first glass." She said, and Spencer and Ashley laughed.

"Ok, _way_ too much to drink." Spencer added. They fell into an easy conversation, letting the light atmosphere and smell of good food seep into their moods. Steadily, their smiles grew wider, their laughs came easier, and their revelations appeared without hesitation. Spencer and Ashley never moved apart, keeping their legs intimately touching and their arms brushing at times. This felt so comfortable, so...forever. Like they could do this forever, just together. Neither one forgot about the soft warmth constant on their skin.

Tweny minutes later, Paula still hadn't returned from the bathroom. Spencer and Christine were starting to get worried.

"Well, there could be a line." Ashley suggested.

"Yeah, this place is packed." Christine agreed. But none of them really believed it. And none of them wanted to get ip and go find out what exactly Paula was doing. Finally, Spencer shook her head and stood up. Her leg felt weird, missing Ashley's casual warmth and pressure.

"I'll go find her." She said. Ashley moved to let her out.

"I'll go with you." Ashley suggested. Christine, fearing the almost ineviatable, stood as well.

"I'll come too." She said. The three of them started through the resturaunt. As they moved between tables, their waiter stopped them.

"Are you looking for the older lady, kind of..intoxicated?" He asked, raising a perfect eyebrow.

"Yeah, have you seen her?" Spencer asked. The guy smirked, amusement evident in his eyes. Spencer sighed good-naturally. _Great. _She thought.

"Go check the back room. Around there and through there." He said, pointing.

"Thanks." Christine said. A few minutes later they stood in the open doorway to the "back room"

"Oh god." Spencer said, her eyes widening. Ashley grinned. Christine just shook her head.

The back room was crammed full of people. It was just a huge dance floor, with a stage at the front. A karaoke stage. A stage on which Paula was currently...gyrating. Ashely erupted into laughter, covering her mouth and turning away. Christine felt a smile start to appear and Spencer just stood in shock.

"Oh my god." She said.

"_They tried to make me go to rehab, I said no no no. Yes I've been black, but when I come back, no no no." _Paula, wine glass in hand, belted from the stage. Half the crowd was singing along, amused by this middle-aged woman drunk off her ass at one o'clock in the afternoon. "_I ain't got the time and if my daddy thinks I'm fine. They tried to make me go to rehab, I won't go go go_." The song ended-thank god- and Paula bowed grandly, showing a good bit of cleavage and spilling a good bit of wine. The crowd erupted, cheering and clapping. Paula was grinning widely as she stumbled off the stage.

Christine and Spencer started weaving through the crowd, Ashley trailing behind, trying to get to Paula before she disappeared into the crowd again. Finally, they reached the front, where Paula stood talking to a bearded guy in his twenties, guitar in his hand. Christine took Paula's arm, to make sure she didn't leave again, and smiled at the guy, effectively ending the conversation. He smiled back, obviously amused by Paula.

"Oh my god, Marc!" Ashley grinned from behind them. The guy turned his gaze past Paula and Christine and grinned back.

"Ashley!" He said, his voice deep and rich. He hugged her, the guitar swaying in his hand effortlessly. Ashley pulled away, still smiling.

"Are you playing?" Marc nodded.

"Yeah, just a pit stop before San Fran tonight." He answered, glancing up at the stage. "Although I think this lady has stolen my spotlight." He looked over at Paula and grinned. She grinend back foolishly.

"You know, you look...like Ewan McGregor." She said, slurring half her words.

"Yeah, I get that a lot." Marc answered, smiling. "Hey, I'm gonna go play, but stick around and come sing with me later." He said to Ashley. She nodded.

"Alright." He grinned at Paula again and walked up the stage steps to be met by a roar of approval. Christine, still clutching Paula's arm, starting pulling her toward the door.

"Um, I'm gonna take her home." She laughed. "Spencer can you bring her car?" Spencer nodded.

"Sure, no problem."

"Alright, we're gone." Christine disappeared into the moving bodies and Ashley and Spencer, just like that, were left alone. Again. Spencer brought her eyes up to Ashley's, suddenly nervous under the girl's steady gaze.

"So, you wanna go eat?" She asked. Ashley shook her head, grinning.

"Nope. Me and you, we're gonna dance." Ashley said, grabbing Spencer's hand.

"We're what?" Spencer asked, being pulled into the mass of warm bodies. After they had reached the middle of the dance floor, Ashley turned back to her.

"You know how to dance right?" Ashley asked, taking Spencer's other hand. She entwined their fingers together. Spencer wondered if Ashley had had any wine. She simply nodded. On the stage, a guitar rang out. "That's Marc Broussard." Ashley explained. "He's kind of bluesy rock. My dad signed him to his lable."

"Oh." Spencer said. Why was it that whenever they were alone together, Spencer lost all her nerve? It just flew out the window, along with her common sense and ability to speak. A loose tune played on the stage.

"This is Al Green's Love and Happiness." Marc muttered into the microphone. He started playing the guitar and Ashley started dancing beside Spencer. Around them, everyone was dancing, a bif mess of bodies all moving. Spencer, having no other choice, joined in, letting her body move the way it had always known how. She had always been a good dancer. Slowly, their bodes moved closer, because of the crowd and other, more concealed reasons.

_Something's going on. Someone's on the phone. Its three o'clock in the morn._

Spencer wouldn't look into Ashley's eyes. She wouldn't admit what they were doing right now, because all she could think about was Paul. Unfortunately, that was a lie. Right now, all she could think about was Ashley hands moving toward her waist.

_Talking about how she can make it right. Well, happiness is when, you really feel good about somebody. Nothing wrong, being in love with someone. _

Ashley's leg slid between Spencer's, their bodies moving closer, rocking with the beat. The song was so smooth, so innocent and comfortable, that they felt the same way. Someone started to clap, the crowd following along, and the beat intensified.

_Oh baby. Love and happiness. Love and happiness. You be good to me. I'l be good to you. We'll be together. See each other, walking away with victory. _

Spencer felt that drop in her stomach. The one she never felt with Aiden, but seemed always present with Ashley. Her arms found their way around Ashely's neck, laying loose there. Getting closer.

_Hey. Love and happiness. Love and happiness. Make it do right. Loving to make you do wrong. _

They were slowly getting lost in their own world, oblivious to anyone around them. They were slowly crossing lines. But always, there was that nagging doubt, that conscience, hanging around in the back of Spencer's mind. She knew Ashley felt it too, because they kept their eyes away from each other. They couldn't make this real.

_Make you come on, yeah yeah. Please crawl into bed. Now we're in love. Oh, I got you girl. Got you wrapped around my finger. Love and happiness. Love and happiness. _

Finally, Spencer rose her eyes to meet Ashley's deep brown ones. The ones moving closer and closer. The ones taking over the rest of Spencer's world. She really shouldn't be doing this. She had barely met Ashley. Ashley was getting married. And she was about to kiss Ashley.

_The power of love. Love and happiness. Love and happiness. Love and happiness._

Their lips were barely a centimeter away, so close that Spencer felt Ashley's warm breath soft against her skin. She felt her eyes start to close, their lips so close that Spencer could imagine what they would feel like. Then, the song ended, fading away into nothing, only to be replaced by defeaning cheers. And both girls pulled away, rocked back into the real world. They pulled apart, eyes never meeting. Neither wamted to admit what had just almost happened. But Spencer could still feel Ashley's breath on her mouth. She could feel the words that now needed to be spoken. The reassurances.

"And now, everyone, I'd like to welcome Ashley Davies to the stage!" Marc called, looking down at the brunette in the crowd. Ashley sent Spencer a look that Spencer couldn't read and disppeared into the masses. Spencer felt a wave of guilt, one that she fully deserved.

When Ashley reached the stage, Marc leaned over and whispered something into her ear. She nodded and took her place in front of a microphone. She looked completley at home there, confident and cocky, and Spencer felt safe, examining her from the crowd. She smiled softly, still utterly gone on the girl on the stage, no matter what feelings were coursing inside her at the moment. No matter what mistakes she knew she was making.

She was utterly fucked.


	6. build my whole world around you

**Chapter Six: if i could build my whole world around you**

Spencer stared. Ashley stood up on the stage, in her peach colored sundress, her hair down and curly, a smile lingering on her face and Spencer was so obviously staring at her. But, unlike everyone else in the crowd, Spencer saw the insecure feelings that flashed across the brunette's face. The way her smile would falter a bit when she glanced out at the crowd. And, as much as she didn't want to admit it, nor acknowledge it, Spencer knew why.

It was because Spencer stood in the corner of the back room, hidden by shadows and desperately trying not to step out into the soft lights to meet Ashley's fleeting gaze. She kept trying to distance herself from the almost kiss that had occured a couple minutes ago, and from the girl she had had it with. Because she knew it was wrong. She knew Ashley wasn't her's to kiss, no matter how fast her heart beat whenever the girl looked at her, or how far her stomach dropped when Ashley touched her.

And so Ashley was furtively searching the mass of people for Spencer's almost familiar blonde hair and Spencer was shielded by shadows and the slight desire to stay that way.

Horns started the song, blaring in an uplifting beat and the crowd started clapping. Ashley slid her legs to the beat, grinning at Marc as she stood up on the stage, radiating confidence. He grinned back and turned to the microphone.

"_If I could build my whole world around you darling, first I'd put heaven by your side. Pretty flowers would grow wherever you walk, honey. You know your head would be the bluest sky_." He sang, his deep voice riding over the horns. Spencer was momentarily swept away. "_And I'd dig every diamond ring, and wash all your troubles away. I'd have my whole world wrapped up in you darling, and that would be all right. All right." _He turned to Ashley and she opened her mouth. And somehow, through the sea of people, to the dark corner of the room, her dark eyes found Spencer's.

_"And if I could build my whole world around you, I'd make your eyes the morning sun. I'd put so much love in every sorrow; and I'd put joy, where there's never been love_." Ashley's eyes stared into Spencer's, but then left guiltily, flicking down to the mic stand, then hurridly over at Marc. She looked back up, scanning over the crowd, looking everywhere but at the nervous blonde in the back. "_And I'd give my love to you. For you to keep for the rest of your life. And happiness would surely be our's. And that would be alright." _Their voices joined together, singing some nonsense words that matched the beat. And Spencer was still stuck staring, her eyes trained on the gorgeous brunette.

_"Do-do-li-do. Doo-li-do-da-do."_

_"Oh, if I could build my whole world around you. And give you the greatest gift any woman could possess." _Marc sang.

_"And I'd step into this world you created, and give you true love and tenderness. And every Sunday and every tomorrow, to make this world better as it goes by." _Ashley matched him, turning her head to smirk at him.

_"That is if I could just build my world around you."_

_"If I could build my whole world around you."_

_"That would be alright. Alright."_

_"If I could build my whole world around you."_

_"Alright." _They matched their voices together for the last line. Ashley turned to Marc and grinned as the crowd cheered. He returned it and spoke into the mic.

"And that, eveyone, is probably the only time you will ever hear Ashley Davies sing sappy blues." Ashley rolled her eyes.

"Thanks." She said with a hint of her customary sarcasm, her voice echoing in the microphone. She stepped off the stage and into a crowd of admirers who patted her back and smiled. She smiled back hurridly, but her feet moved her to the corner of the room where Spencer was waiting. When she finally reached the blonde, neither one knew what to do.

"That was great." Spencer said honestly. They could feel the almost kiss hanging over them, etched between their eyes.

"Thanks." Ashley brought her hand up to her mouth and bit at her thumbnail. It was a habit she was sure she had broken herself of long ago, but it had suddenly returned. Yesterday. Try to figure that one out. She forced her hand down and her eyes up. Spencer was eyeing her warily.

"Um, you wanna go eat?" Spencer asked, breaking the awkward silence with her strained words. She glanced away, into the crowd, away from Ashley's intense gaze.

"Yeah, ok." Ashley answered, relieved. They started into the dining room, walking beside each other, their minds so far apart. Spencer shifted her eyes to the left, running them over the brunette beside her. The way she brought her hand up to bite at her nail, then hurridly dropped it. Her lovely curls. And the words in her distracted eyes that both knew they wouldn't be able to say.

They slid back into the booth, but this time Ashley took her place across from Spencer. Putting instinctive distance between them so that she could figure this out. It was Spencer's turn to nervously pick at her nails. They sat in awkward silence for a little bit. Softly, Spencer felt Ashley's smooth leg against her own. She almost automatically pulled it away, felt Ashley do the same, the leftover goosebumps making her feel like the girl's skin was still on her's. Like she wanted it to be. It was odd how a single moment could change a whole relationship.

"Steak for the cutie, salad for the blonde." Their waiter appeared suddenly, sliding plates off his arms like they weighed nothing. A salad bounced in front of Spencer, and Ashley's steak swirled around before her. The waiter paused. "What, no thank you?" He asked, cocking his hip out. Both Ashley and Spencer glanced up and over at him, both still lost in thought.

"Thank you." They said in unision. He gave them an odd look, but swayed off anyway. Spencer caught Ashley's eyes and smirked.

"Still gay." She announced, stretching for some normalcy-if she and Ashley even had any. Ashley smirked back.

"Even more so." She answered, and by now, neither girl knew if they were talking about the waiter or themselves.

"So." Spencer stated.

"So." Ashley echoed. She picked at her steak with her fork, running the points over the slightly brown meat. They seemed to have lost that comfortable talk between them, that flowed without thought, without planning. They were making steps and strides in the right direction, but seemed to be on opposite sides of the path.

Ashley's phone rang loudly from her purse. _I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me_? It sat next to Spencer, who picked it up and handed it over. Ashley rifled through her makeup and crap littering her purse and finally recovered her phone. _Kyla,_ flashed on the front. She flipped it open.

"Hey." She said shortly. She glanced up apolegetically to Spencer. Spencer shrugged and smiled.

"I see you." Kyla said, her voice deepening a little. Ashley frowned.

"What?" She asked, confused. And a little frustrated. When she didn't understand her feelings-such as the ones racing through her in relation to Spencer- other people tended to piss her off. And she tended to bitch them out. Kyla giggled, the sound echoing somehow.

"I said, I see you!" Kyla repeated. Ashley started searching the restaraunt.

"Seriously?"

"Seriously." Ashley finally caught sight of her slightly annoying half-sister, who was sitting across the restaraunt from her. Kyla waved, super happy, as always. Ashley raised her eyebrows and shut the phone. She turned back to Spencer.

"So, my sister is here, you wanna go say hey?" She asked, meeting Spencer's clear blue eyes after what felt like hours. She had forgotten how...piercing they were. Spencer nodded slowly.

"Yeah, sure. Lead the way." Ashley stepped out of the booth and turned to Spencer. The blonde was edging out and Ashley offered her hand. Spencer just gazed at it for a millisecond, but that was all Ashley needed to be knocked back into reality. To realize that she and Spencer, Spencer and she, had almost kissed. Which meant so much more than a simple kiss should. Now it meant infidelity and broken hearts. It meant she had feelings that were supposed to fade when you were getting married.

It basically meant she was in trouble.

Spencer reached out and grasped Ashley's long fingers, letting herself be pulled from her seat. Ashley felt the girl's soft hand on her own and was even more forcefully reminded of the feelings swirling inside her. The doubts. Spencer let go, feeling something close to regret at the loss of touch. She had a sudden urge to reach out and touch Ashley's arm. Or her hand or her bare shoulder, just touch something on the gorgeous girl. To feel something like she felt in Ashley's arms on the dance floor.

They started through the resturaunt and Spencer needed to break the all-too-easy-to-slip-into silence.

"Who's your sister?" Spencer's voice sounded shaky, even to herself.

"Kyla Davies." Ashley answered, glancing back. Spencer raised her eyebrows.

"Kyla Davies? Seriously?" She asked, surprised. Ashley nodded, frowning.

"Yeah, why?"

"Did she used to date Aiden Dennison?" Spencer asked. Ashley flicked her eyes back again, a smile gracing her features.

"Yeah, she did. Do you know him?" Spencer paused, not sure how to answer this one. Yeah, she knew him, but there were so many different ways she knew him. So many lines that their relationship crossed.

"Yeah, I do. Actually, uh..." She paused again. If anything in her pleasantly simple world was complicated, it was Aiden Dennison. "He left me for her." Spencer finished, looking toward Ashley. Ashley frowned.

"He left you for her." Spencer nodded, biting her lip. She hated this part. This was the 'I'm sorry' and 'I'm sure he had his reasons' part. "Is he flipping crazy?" Ashley asked, disbelieving. Spencer glanced up in surprise.

"What?"

"He left _you_ for _her_. He must have temporarily lost his effing mind. Who would leave you?" Spencer smiled a little, not sure why she was smiling, but accepting it without hesitation. Ashley was examining her carefully, reading between lines and expressions. "In all honesty, Spence, you're the better girl." Spencer blushed under Ashley's steady, unfailing gaze.

"Thanks." She muttered, looking down. Ashley's fingers quickly and lightly pulled her chin up, then retreated back to her waist. Her brown eyes held Spencer's head up as steadily as her fingers.

"Seriously." She said, feeling as if she would never say anything as true as that. Spencer smiled softly, holding Ashley's gaze this time.

"Thank you." She said. A moment passed and their eyes never left the other's. All too soon though, the world came back into play. They had stopped in the middle of the resturaunt, paused between two tables, lost in their own conversation. Ashley glanced away guiltily, angry at letting her emotions take control of her actions. Feeling too truthful to actually stop.

They both started walking at the same time, Ashley moving toward her sister's table, Spencer following close behind. Her fingertips brushed Ashley's, sending short shockwaves through her hand. She blushed furiously, at the tingling sensation more than the actual touch. She reacted to Ashley automatically, she was discovering, whether she tried to stop it or not. In fact, it seemed like the more she tried to deny it, the faster and stronger it hit her and the longer it burned her. She could still feel Ashley's small hands around her waist, guiding her in every move.

"Ash!" A short brunette bounced out of her seat, a grin plastered on her face, and wrapped Ashley in a tight hug. Ashley sort of patted her on her back. She was used to Kyla's overly enthustiastic hugs, but that didn't mean she had to enjoy them.

"Hey Ky." Ashley said, pulling away. She smiled widely, her nose crinkling. Spencer felt a smile creep up on her face to match the one dancing across Ashley's. Ashley looked around her sister to see Kyla's best friend, Madison, looking up at her. "Hey Madison." Ashley waved a little. The Latino girl grinned brilliantly, but quickly smothered it.

"Hey Ashley." She replied cooly. Ashley let a shadow of a frown echo in her eyebrows, but she let it pass. Madison Duarte was a weird one.

"This is Spencer." Ashley said, turnng to the other girl who had been watching the exchange with open curiousity. She was interested, she was intrigued, she was crushi-whatever you wanted to call it, she totally was. And she wanted to know more.

"Hi." Spencer smiled warmly, employing some of that natural friendliness she had been blessed with. She darted her eyes from Kyla, to Madison, to Ashley, and then back to Kyla, tyring to see everyone, because somehow she knew that these people where pieces of Ashley.

"Hey!" Kyla returned, grining at the blonde. She tilted her head toward Ashley." New girlfriend Ash?" Kyla asked. Ashley gave her sister a look that implied she was insane.

"Kyla, I'm getting married next week." Kyla's hand shot up to her mouth. Her eyes widened.

"Oh my god! I so forgot! What am I gonna wear!?!" Her hands fluttered nervously and she dropped to her seat. The "you're insane" look remained on Ashley's face. Possibly grew stronger.

"A bridesmaids' dress? You know, since you're my maid of honor?" Ashley suggested, her eyes looking doubtful of her sister's mental stability. Kyla immeadiately relaxed.

"Oh, ok. Thank god." Kyla said, fanning herself with her hands. Ashley let the stress fade from her face and visibly relaxed. She seemed used to Kyla's antics. Spencer found herself watching the other girl and the way she looked utterly relaxed around these two women. Ashley slid in beside Kyla and looked up at Spencer. Her eyes were big and open, sparkling almost, and Spencer felt her heart melt. She unexpectedly thought of that phone conversation in the bathroom and how anyone could make this girl so low and submissive.

"You wanna stay over here for a bit?" Ashley asked, her eyes never leaving Spencer's. They stayed connected, neither girl really comfortable, but neither even entertaining the thought of looking away. Spencer nodded loosely.

"Sure." She looked over questioningly at the Latino girl, Madison, and then sat down next to her. She could see the girl studying her out of the corner of her eye. Spencer glanced down at the table, but then back up, to meet Ashley's soft, comforting eyes. Spencer wasn't really shy, but the fact that this was Ashley's family was making her nervous. Almost as nervous as she was becoming around Christine. It didn't make much sense, but then, when it came to Ashley, what did?

"So, how's Carmen?" Ashley's eyes were directed at Madison, who sent an expressive eyeroll her way.

"A bitch. Totally out of the picture." Madison's eyes lingered on Ashley a little too long, but Spencer thought she was the only one who noticed. Had there been something there?

"Good. I always thought that girl was a little off." Ashley reached over and picked up her sister's strawberry daquiri. Taking a sip, she rose her eyebrows. "Geez, Ky, how much alcohol is in this?"

"I'm surprised you didn't spit it out. I don't know how it still looks pink." Madison added. Kyla shrugged, smirking. Madison took a sip of her own, eying Spencer over the rim of the curved glass. "So Spencer, how do you know Ashley?" Madison asked, trying to be subtle, but failing miserably. Kyla studied her best friend carefully. She had known about Madison's crush for a while, but Ashley was getting married and now was so not the time.

"Our moms know each other." Spencer replied. Ashley nodded in agreement.

"Yeah, actually Mom was here." She turned her attention to Kyla. Christine was the girl's second mom. "But, uh..." She trailed off, looking up at Spencer and grinning. Spencer grinned back.

"My mom had a little too much wine." Spencer added. "So they went home." She met Ashley's eyes across the table and blushed, remembering what had happened after their mothers had left. Ashley reached over and took another sip of Kyla's daquiri.

"And now we're here." Ashley finished.


	7. someday song

**thanx for the reviews and keep 'em coming! i love it when people get exactly what i'm trying to get across..or even take a guess at it. i feel like i'm kind of floundering here. i went back and read the last couple of chapters and they're SHIT!! but anyway...they'll be better by next chapter at least.**

**i feel like i'm dragging this resturaunt scene on but i've have to fit a whole story into seven days (before the wedding) so bear with me. enjoy!**

**Chapter Seven : someday song**

"Aunt Susan will probably end up hurling all over the furniture again." Kyla grinned through her words, sending an amused smile Ashley's way. The older girl laughed, sitting back a little.

"Or just pass out on the deck." Ashley rolled her eyes, thinking of her drunk of an aunt, Susan. She was, obviously, Ashley and Kyla's favorite relative. Spencer swirled her straw through her iced tea and smiled to herself. They had been talking about Ashley's distant family for the past ten minutes and the stories were getting crazier and crazier. They had one hell of a gene pool. Spencer glanced up to watch Ashley's face, something she had been constantly doing for the past hour or so. The girl was only inches away, her dark brown eyes focused on Madison, and Spencer couldn't stop staring at how absolutely gorgeous she was.

"So Spencer, who lit the Christmas tree on fire in _your_ family?" Kyla asked, turning her attention to the only blonde of the group. Ashley looked over as well, thankful for the excuse to openly stare at the younger girl, instead of hiding behind quick looks and strategic sips. Plus, she was curious about the family of this girl, especially after meeting Paula, the quintessintial country club mom. Spencer smiled a little.

"Well, my brother Glen probably. He was always the dumb one." She answered, sipping from her drink. "One year he ate all the Christmas cookies and then threw up on the presents." Spencer grimaced, remembering. "Not a pretty sight." Her eyes found Ashely's, who was regarding her curiously, and then couldn't look away. "But Clay-"

"Wait, Glen?" Madison cut in, turning to face Spencer. "You're a Carlin right? You're related to _Glen Carlin_?" Madison's eyes were big and her drink lay forgotten by her hand. Spencer had to contain an eye roll.

"Yeah. He's my brother." _Unfourtunately._ She tilted her head a little. "Do you know him?" Madison gave her an incredulous look.

"Do I _know_ him? Who _doesn't_ know him? He's only the hottest basketball player in the NBA right now! Oh my god, can I meet him?" Madison was now fully turned in her seat, almost pleading with Spencer. Spencer shrugged.

"Yeah, if you want to." She answered. She'd never really gotten girls' fascination with her brother. He was just an asshole, if you asked her. He, and Aiden, were sore spots for her, subjects she didn't like to dwell on, lest she actually realize how screwed up their relationsips were.

"Oh my god!" Madison squealed. "Let me out, let me out. I'm gonna call Emma. She's gonna flip." Spencer scooted out and Madison practically jumped out of the booth, running outside to call whoever "Emma" was. As Spencer sat back down, Kyla sent an apologetic look her way.

"Sorry. She's had a major crush on him for years."

"Yeah." Ashley agreed. She took another sip of her coke and rum, and looked at Spencer. Their eyes met, electric as usual, and Ashley's stomach fluttered. Across the resturaunt, their food grew cold on untouched plates. They had been too wrapped up in coversation to go back, and an hour had passed before they even considered it. "So who else?" Ashey asked, still curious. Spencer sat back, rolling words and memories around in her head. Her family brought on strong emotions; they always had and probably always would.

"I have another brother, Clay. He's a professor at NYU right now, teaching physics. And my dad is a social worker, plus he teaches cooking classes on the side. Glen's the athlete...

and, well, you met my mom, and that's pretty much it. Oh, and Chelsea, she's Clay's wife. She teaches art at NYU." Spencer wrapped it up. She smiled. "Their a pretty great family, considering. Well, when my mom's sober. And Glen's not being an ass. And when-" She cut herself off, realizing she was about to disclose things she rarely admitted to herself. And to a complete stranger and a girl she had met yesterday. She seemed to be doing that often as of late. She glanced down. "Well, they're cool." Nervous eyes went up to meet Ashley's, hoping the other girl hadn't caught her slip of tongue. She couldn't believe she'd almost uttered something so personal and somewhat broken.

Ashley was staring at her, her world forgotten around her. She quickly looked away though, when Spencer caught her gaze with striking blue eyes. She had been staring the whole time the other girl was talking. Watching the way her lips moved, and her fingers playing with the table cloth or tracing condensation down her glass. And she had definitely caught the other girl's fumble in her slight speech. Something important had been close to coming out, but Spencer had pushed it back in.

"That's cool." Kyla said, sipping her third daquiri. "Our dad is Raife Davies, you know, the druggie rock star." Her words were flippant, the alcohol doing a good job of letting her coast over the hurt. But Spencer, with all her dad's social working experience, could see the veiled feelings easily. "And Ashley's mom is Christine, and mine is Alicia. We're a nice little fucked up family." Her tone remained neutral, like she was talking about what she had done last night, not dissing her close relatives.

Ashley softly rested her hand on Kyla's knee, under the table. She knew the other girl had a lot of stuff to deal with regarding their family, more even than Ashley herself. Finally, Madiosn returned. She bounced over to them, totally missing the somber tone resting over the table.

"So, Emma has tickets to his game this Friday. You think we could meet him after?" She asked hopefully. Spencer looked up at her, trying to ignore the unsure feelings fluttering in her and Ashley's knee just barely brushing her own under the table.

"Um, yeah. That's fine." She paused. "Wait, is that Bulls game?" Madison nodded.

"Yep, one of their biggest rivals." Madison glanced over at Ashley and Kyla, who had been strangely silent, and finally caught on to the odd tone surrounding them. "Yeah..." She muttered, trailing off.

"Yeah, you can meet him. I'll be there, so just call me and I'll take you over." Spencer said. They had all exchanged numbers, well, with Spencer, about halfway through the lunch. They sat silently for a minute, and then Spencer stood up and let Madison back in.

"Hey, I'm going to that game too!" Kyla added, obviously over her short flash of feelings. She grinned widely. "With Jeremy. Ashley, you need to go too, and we can all meet up for drinks later." Kyla pretty much ordered. She seemed to have some sort of emotional issues that popped up every now and then. It didn't help that she was slightly drunk.

"I don't have a ticket." Ashley said simply. She hadn't cared before, but now that she knew Spencer was going to be there, she wanted to go too.

"I can get you one." Spencer said, meeting Ashley's eyes. She smiled, a little shyly. "I mean, if you want to go with me. Glen got me courtside, but we can sit somewhere else. I mean, the paparazzi and all...yeah." She blushed, looking down. Ashley smiled foolishly, amused at the girl's embarrassment. Madison glared, at both Ashley and Spencer.

"Yeah that'd be great." Ashley said. "I mean, courtside is fine and all." Ashley found herself just as unhinged as Spencer had seemed a moment before. She blushed and rolled her eyes at herself. "That's fine." Spencer smilled widely.

"Cool. So, Friday."

"Friday." Ashley echoed. They stared at each for a second, then both broke eye contact, Spencer blushing furiously and Ashley frustrated with her inability to not react to this girl. Kyla watched the whole exchange knowingly, too drunk to make a commment on it. Madison glared. She seemed to be doing that a lot. Then, Madison's phone rang loudly from her purse.

"Hello?...Oh hey...Yeah, we'll be there in a little bit..'K bye." She shut the phone and looked up at Kyla, annoyance evident in her eyes. "Its work, we gotta go." Kyla sighed. Spencer wondered where she worked, seeing as the girl was possibly the biggest airhead she had ever met in her entire life...And also drunk. Kyla put her daquiri-fourth one-down.

"Alright." Ashley let her sister out and Kyla leaned over and kissed her on the cheek loudly. "I love you Ash. Stay engaged." Spencer wasn't the only one who noticed Ashley's wandering gaze. Madison followed Spencer out.

"It was cool meeting you Spencer." The girl said, smiling a little. Truth was, she was more excited about meeting Glen Carlin's sister, then Spencer. And she pissed because Ashley seemed to like her. "I'll see you Friday."

"Yeah, you too. Friday." Spencer replied. Madison walked past Ashley and sent a flirty smile her way.

"Bye Ash." She said quietly. Ashley smiled awkwardly, kind of freaked out.

"Yeah, bye Madison." The two girls started toward the door. Kyla spun around and waved.

"Bye Spencer!" She called across the room. Spencer smiled and waved back.

"Bye Kyla!" She called back. Once the two girls had stepped through the front door, Spencer felt Ashley's eyes on her. She turned, smiling a little shyly. Ashley tilted her head, thoughtful.

"What do you wanna do now?" She asked, stepping a little closer. Spencer couldn't tell if it was because of the waiter passing by them or if Ashley just wanted to be nearer. She shrugged.

"I don't know. What do you want to do?" She answered. Ashley grinned.

"You probably shouldn't ask me that. My adventures tend to get me arrested." Ashely smirked, as Spencer laughed. She had laughed more with Ashley in two days than she had in the past month. There was this bond they formed, whenever they were alone, and it was starting to seep into their relationships with other people. Like the smiles they were sharing here, in this moment, were being passed on to everyone else. Like they were in love. Which was not good.

"Okay then let's take my mom's car to her. I'll drive her's and you follow me. Is that okay?" Spencer asked, suddenly not wanting to seem pushy.

"Yeah, its fine." Ashley said. "Let me pay and I'll meet you out front." Spencer paused for a second. She didn't really want Ashley paying for all their uneaten food. "It's okay, I got it." Ashley said, smiling. She liked that Spencer didn't want everything done for her. No, wait, she didn't like Spencer. Well, as a friend, but nothing more. Damn it.

Spencer looked doubtful, but agreed. "Ok, thank you." Smiling, she turned and started out the front. Ashley was left trying to not to stare at her retreating form.

And failing miserably.

IOIO

Kyla took her keys from the valet and stumbled a little toward her car. Her heels were throwing her off, she was sure. Yeah, that was it. No way she'd had enough daquiris to make her stumble...or had she? She tried to count them. Beside her, Madison rolled her eyes and carefully snatched the keys from between her fingers.

"Alright Davies, get in the passenger seat." Madison ordered, stepping beside the driver's door. Kyla frowned.

"You are _not_ driving my Spider _anywhere_." She was starting to slur her words, the alcohol taking its full effect. She glared childishly at Madison, her hands on her hips.

"Yes, I am driving your _Spider_, and I'm driving it _home_. You definitely need to sleep this off." Madison eyed her best friend. The girl looked kind of cute, all pissed off and rebellious. Madison sighed, shaking from her thoughts. What was it about those Davies girls? "Car, Kyla." The younger girl sighed and walked around, steadying herself on the hood of her overly-expensive car. It had been raining while they were inside and the streets were slick, shiny black in the dulled sunlight.

Madison shut the door beside her and waited for Kyla to sit down. She was standing by her door, waving to someone Madison couldn't see. She was probably hallucinating.

"Ky, will you get in the car?" Madison was getting exasperated with her best friend. She wanted to be at home _now_. But the girl just stood there, chatting with whoever she could see. Madison leaned to the side a little to catch sight of whoever had enthralled Kyla.

"Oh my god, Justin!" She squealed, grinning up at the messy-haired boy leaning casually against the Spider. He grinned back and flicked his hand her way.

IOIO

Ashley went back to her and Spencer's old table and sat down, waiting for their waiter to walk by so she could get their bill. Her eyes roving over their uneaten food, her mind went back to the lunch they had just...not had. It had seemed forced, somehow. Yesterday it had been anything but, all easy smiles and quick conversation. But maybe last night they had over-thought things, read into secret smiles too much. Maybe Spencer was regretting what they were forming.

The problem was, Ashley wasn't. She should have been, she knew that. But instead of trying to _stop_ thinking of Paul while they were flirting, she kept trying _to_ think of Paul. He didn't seem real anymore, just a voice on a telephone somewhere far away. Maybe she wasn't thinking of him much because he was gone, Ashley rationalized. Yeah, that was probably it. When he came home from his business trip to Japan, everything would be okay again. She would be happy again.

But when she thought about it, she had never really been happy with Paul. She had been relaxed, because it made her mom happy and it took the pressure off her to keep dating. And then they'd gotten engaged-just engaged, because Ashley hadn't agreed to marry him, she had agreed to be his fiancee, never thinking about the concept of marriage. And when she had, after he had picked the date of the wedding, she had cried. Because everything was so messed up and so unplanned now. She hadn't known what to do.

So for the next week, while Paul was down in Florida, she had thought about it. She had over-rationalized it, condoned it, and made herself okay with it. She had consumed half the wine in the house until she could see herself living wth Paul for the next ten years. Just ten years, because the rest of her life was too long for her to even wonder about. And finally he came back, then left just as quickly and Ashley's hopes that his return would clear things up were dashed. So she had been slowly making herself okay with it. It would make everyone happier, including herself, she had lied.

And then she had met Spencer. At her first bridal shower the gorgeous girl had walked in and ripped away those things she had promised herself. It had only been a day and Ashley was already doubting everything she'd thought she'd forced herself to believe. It was all too confusing now, the continous rush of feelings that only grew every time Ashley discovered more about Spencer.

And she didn't want to stop.

IOIO

Spencer crossed her arms and squinted out into the glaringly bright afternoon. The rain had painted everything silver and the overly bright sun was reflecting directly into her eyes. She scanned the parking lot for her mom's car, wondering if she should ask the valet to get it or just walk. She didn't like having everything done for her, like her mom did. It was boring.

Spencer glanced to the left and saw Kyla leaning against some ridiculously expensive car, chatting with a ridiculously gorgeous guy. If Spencer hadn't been so preoccupied with the brunette paying her bill inside, she would have gone for the guy in a heartbeat. Instead, she walked over to talk to Kyla while she waited for Ashley. The girl grinned when she walked up,

"Hey Spencer, long time no see!" Kyla drunkenly joked and Spencer just smiled and shook her head.

"Yeah Kyla." Spencer looked over at the shaggy haired guy leaning casually against the car.

"Oh, Spencer, this is Justin. Justin, Spencer-Ashely's friend." Kyla introduced them. The guy, Justin, held his hand out, smiling warmly. He seemed harmless enough.

"Hey. Its nice to meet you." His voice was gravelly, almost as raspy as Ashley's, but with deeper undertones.

"Yeah, you too." Spencer smiled back, never one to be rude. But honestly, this boy wasn't even distracting enough to make Spencer really smile. Her mind was back in the resturaunt, nervous about making the older girl laugh and terrified of that upcoming wedding. Her stomach dropped at the thought. Then she realized the guy was talking to her.

"-in town?" He asked. Spencer briefly frowned, then guessed at what he had asked. It was pretty predictable anyway.

"No, I've been here for a while." Spencer answered easily. He nodded, his eyes glinting and Spencer sudenly realized he was flirting with her. And she had been completely oblivous. She kind of wanted to tell him that she was gay, but it wasn't something she randomly announced to people. It made them nervous, made them only focus on that aspect of her, because it was so surprising. She wondered at how focused on Ashley she had been that she had been oblivious to him.

"So you don't need the grand tour?" He looked a little disappointed, and there was something charming in the dip of his mouth. Spencer noticed it all, but it didn't phase her, except to feel sorry for the rejection this guy had coming. She could barely think about someone else, much less bother to flirt with them. And the girl was getting married for chrissakes.

"Nope." Spencer answered, hoping the guy would get the hint. But his eyes were still glinting, his mouth still dipped.

"Hey Justin, are you going to the wedding?" Madison, from inside the car, called out to him. He glanced down, under his arm and into the open window.

"What wedding?" He asked, frowning, the dip becoming more real. Kyla chuckled, hitting him on the arm.

"You didn't forget, silly." She slurred. He eyed her, amused, and then looked back down at Madison.

"What wedding?" He asked again, obviously out of the loop. Madison frowned.

"Ashley's." She answered. "You didn't get invited?" He shook his head, now really and truly frowning, and turned fully to talk to the only compltely coherent girl of the three.

"No. Who's she getting married to?" He asked. He seemed really curious and Spencer wondered if they had been an item before. She was steadily getting pulled into the conversation.

"Paul Westerfield. The Honda sales rep?" Madison asked as if Justin would know who that was. Surprisingly, he did.

"That brat? His ego is bigger than Ashley's." The name rolled off his lips like he owned it, like he had been saying it all his life. "He was bad enough in school and now she's marrying him?" Justin asked, rhetorically. He crossed his arms, getting more annoyed by the second.

Spencer heard familiar heels click behind her and half-turned to see Ashley coming toward her. Once again, Spencer was pulled into the other girl, caught staring and too lost to care. The girl looked so pretty, the sun glinting behind her, warming in her soft sundress. Spencer wanted to reach out and hug her, pull her close, just to touch her. Ashley smiled softly at her, naturally, and then glanced over Spencer's shoulder and saw Justin.

"Justin." She said coldly, her mood instantly dropping. He looked up and froze when he saw her. It was like every muslce in his body just stopped, his blood running cold. He hadn't realized how hard it would be to face her, after all these years.

"Hey Ashley." He tried to brush it off, but she was glaring angrily.

"Spencer, you ready to go?" Ashley asked, completely ignoring the messy-haired boy. She couldn't deal with Justin Cunningham right now, not ever. He had been firmly shoved into the past and Ashley would appreciate it if he would stay there.

"Uh, yeah." Spencer caught onto the angry vibes running between the two and sided with Ashley, which was unsurprising to everyone involved. Ashley started off, Spencer trailing behind. Spencer didn't even bother to give Justin a good-bye smile, something she would have considered rude a couple days ago. But when Ashley was involved, things started to blur.

In the car, Madison looked up at Justin sympathetically.

"You wanna go to that wedding?" She asked, rasing an eyebrow. Justin, tearing his eyes from his old flame, looked down at Madison, wary of the familiar twinkle in her eye. That same twinkle had gotten him suspended three times, arrested four, and drunk out of is mind more times than he would have liked to admit. But, ignoring the warnings his brain was sending him, he nodded.

"Yeah. I do." Madison smirked, her mind coursing through her numerous ulterior motives.

"Well I've got a plan."


	8. anna begins

**Chapter Eight: anna begins**

Spencer rolled down the window of her mom's brand-new silver Mercedes, letting the wind rush past her face and lift her hair up. She had the radio playing as she slowly traveled down the perfect roads of her old, overly pruned neighborhood. Here, the leaves were as fake as the women and gave off the same air of indifference. They were shiny, like always, and Spencer remembered when she'd thought her neighbors' yards were the most beautiful things in the world. Each one seemed more intricate and gorgeous than the last; another adventure for her and Aiden to explore. Another yappy little dog to be scared of and another burly yard man to grin at them from his riding lawn mower.

That had been her childhood, but all too soon she had grown up and all too easily detached herself from that comfotbale world. She wasn't bitter about it, because how can you detest your own careless ignorance? And she didn't long for those days, the way Aiden did, because she loved knowing about the rest of the world. She loved the fact that there was _more_, the same way her young mind had loved the yards that seemed to go on forever, unexplored and ready for her prodding fingers and quick questions. She had never been one to settle and grow content, not even then.

Spencer paused for a second, thinking she had heard a weird beeping noise, but quickly brushed it off. She returned to studying the yards around her, trying to pick out familiar ones with life-long memories; the ones she and Aiden had left their mark on. The sun was warming, the streets drying, and the world, in general, was beautiful. And someone, specifically, was gracing Spencer's thoughts, painting her face over Spencer's eyes. Someone just as beautiful as childhood memories and just as hard to regret.

"Incoming call from Ashley Davies." A loud, extremely computerized voice burst into the car. Spencer almost jumped out of her skin and slammed her foot on the brakes.

"What?" She asked, looking almost frantically for the where the voice was coming from. "Huh? Hello?" She asked, moving the care forward tenatively. She waited for another burst of sound.

"Incoming call from Ashley Davies. Paula Carlin, do you accept?" The same voice asked, this time a little less jarringly, and Spencer frowned again. Then, she glanced up, recognizing the small blue and red button on the ceiling. OnStar. Oh.

She smiled sheepishly, a little embarrassed for freaking out. Glancing backwards in the rearview mirror, she saw Ashley still trailing behind her. She hadn't gotten lost, so...?

"I accept." Spencer answered, glancing up at the button like it was talking to her. It didn't respond. "I acc-" A clicking noise interrupted her and rock music drifted into Spencer's car.

"Hey." Ashley's soon-to-be familiar voice came through, the music dying down a little. "What took you so long?" Ashley didn't wait for her to answer. "And why'd you brake in the middle of the road? Raccoon?" Ashley's voice was teasing and Spencer had a feeling the other girl knew exactly why Spencer had squealed to a stop. Spencer smiled and rolled her eyes.

"Exactly. It was monstrous." She smiled and looked in the rearview mirror to see Ashley smiling to herself as well. She found some well of courage and asked the question that had been bothering her the whole ride. "So who was that Justin guy?" There was a short pause, an excuse being formulated, and Spencer waited.

"We used to date." Ashley admitted. "But some stuff happened and we broke up...it was bad." Ashley said. She felt comfortable telling Spencer this, like the girl was truly interested. Even if she was admitting it over OnStar. "He cheated on me, so I cheated on him, and then he begged to get me back..."

She trailed off, a flash of painful memories running through her. The game they had played had been a cruel one, because both were clever enough and fucked up enough to push every button they could find. "And then I found him in bed with Madison." Ashley recalled, seeing her best friend and her "boyfriend" in her mind. "She still doesn't know we were back together when it happened, but it was his fault. He was trying to ruin our-me and Madison's- friendship, because that's the kind of guy he is..but anyway, that's what happened. It was a long time ago." Ashley finished. Spencer paused for a second, disliking this guy for actual reasons now and not just because of the way Ashley had been looking at him.

"Asshole." Her voice was clear, the only noise through the two cars and Ashley laughed. Spencer Carlin did not seem like the type to say "asshole".

"That pretty much summarizes it." Ashley grinned. Spencer, unconciously relieved that Ashley could blow it off, smiled as well. They drove in silence for a minute, reveling in the quiet intimacy that was transmitted even across a phone call. The way they could see each others' faces and the way they felt close. And soon that silence faded to no talking and then they just drove, confident that they would talk when they wanted to.

"So how far away is this place?" Ashley asked randomly. She was looking out at the scarily fake yards and had resumed counting the young, hot yardmen on riding lawn mowers. But-just like ten minutes ago-one can only see so many shirtless men before thinking about shirtless women. Which, as much as it embarrassingly reminded her of her sex-thought-filled adolescent days, started her thinking about Spencer. So instead of lusting after a girl she wasn't allowed to have, and one she felt guilty about wanting, Ashley had just called her. And this time she just spoke.

Spencer laughed in her car, the sound bubbling out from her in some pure expression of plain happiness. It carried into Ashley's car and the brunette smiled.

"Is that what you called for in the first place?" Spencer asked, tapping on her steering wheel to the music coming from Ashley's car. She could hear it through the speakers and it was good.

"I was bored." Ashley said, following Spencer as she turned left into a new street. The houses were getting farther apart and the yards steadily growing more real.

"Are you always bored?" Spencer asked, thinking back to the phone conversation they had had last night.

"Well...not when I'm with you." Ashley admitted. "But yeah, lately." Both girls paused. Spencer felt like this couldn't go any farther, nor turn into something she would regret later. Only the problem was, she didn't feel like she would regret it. She felt like maybe it wouldn't end quick enough for her to regret it. Or even end at all. And that's never a good thing for an affair with a married-or about to be married-woman. Not that they were having or affair. Not that Spencer would ever consider it. She paused. Who was she supposed to be kidding here?

"So how's the wedding stuff going?" Spencer voiced her thoughts, sounding quieter than she had all day. Ashley was quick to answer, her own thought trains heading in that direction. There was something ominous about the upcoming day, and it wasn't just normal cold-feet jitters. It was something intensely certain and terrifyingly dull.

"Good." Ashley answered. "Yeah, it's fine, just..stuff." They hadn't talked about the wedding at all, despite the fact that the lunch had been planned to discuss it. Paula's sudden need for a ride home and Christine's sudden willingness to provide one had put a damper-or maybe a pause button- on that whole subject. It seemed to fade into the background for both girls, looming, but shadowed; present, but ignored.

"Great." Spencer's voice matched Ashely's in disguised interest. She wanted to know what the other girl was thinking, but was too unsure to ask. "Ok we're here." Spencer said. A car behind her, Ashley sighed her relief. She was not in the mood to talk about bridal boquets or whatever the hell you were supposed to be excited about before weddings. For now she was content to forget it all, in the presence of Spencer Carlin.

Ashley turned off her car and slid the keys out of the ignition. She was out of the door in two seconds flat and grinning at Spencer, her heels balanced perfectly on the cement, just drinking in the other girl and how close she was. Spencer smiled back like they hadn't just seen each other twenty minutes ago. Or been talking on the phone for the past ten.

"You ready to meet a fully drunk Paula Carlin?" Spencer asked, rasing an eyebrow warningly. Ashley, still grinning, flicked her own eyebrow up.

"Didn't I already?" Spencer laughed, somewhat disturbingly, and shook her head.

"You ain't seen nothin' yet." She pulled a straight face and Ashley burst out laughing. That phrase was creepy when uttered from such innocent lips. Spencer's facade quickly broke and she laughed as well.

"Apparently not." Ashley agreed, and the two girl started up the sidewalk. The house was huge, not as big as Ashley's but close enough. It had Spanish-influenced architecture with a hint of Renaissance arches and triangles. The afternoon light was warming against it, turning the tan and rose colored stone even softer. Ashley ran a hand over the building, marveling at the beauty of it. Spencer noticed and smiled softly, looking up at the slightly familiar building.

"Our old house burnt down a few years back." She said, memories clouding her voice. Ashley, listening, looked over. "So Chelsea helped design this new one." Spencer's eyes found Ashely's. "It feels like her, you know? Every time I see it, I think about her." Spencer admitted as they walked up the long, slanted steps. Ashely trailed her hand over the big flat railing, the curves of the plaster riding under her fingers.

"Yeah." Ashley said, so that Spencer would know she was listening. She took in this information, stored it away with every little thing Spencer was readily disclosing.

They finally reached the tan colored wooden door and Spencer pushed it open. It was unlocked, not surprising considering the security evident around the place. A swiveling camera watched the two enter.

"Come straight in..." A low voice trailed on over the intercom. Spencer gave the plastic speaker an exaggerated eye roll and walked inside. It was cooler in there, the gray, natural tiled floor clicking under Spencer's heels. She turned to Ashley.

"That was truly drunk Paula Carlin." Spencer smirked. She was used to her mom's constant drinking. She had learned to laugh and visit her dad on the weekends. Ashley laughed.

"Wow, I'm impressed. She doesn't slur her s's. She's one up on me." Ashley said, smiling.

"You slur your s's?" Spencer asked, turning surprised eyes on the brunette. Ashley seemed like she could hold her liquor, at least before the extent of slurring.

"Yeah." Ashley admitted, somewhat ashamed. "Sometimes." She smiled cutely at Spencer, who raised an eyebrow.

"No you don't." Spencer was doubtful. The other girl was probably just trying to make her feel better about having a drunk for a mom.

"Yeah, I do. You should see me." Ashley wrinkled her nose and Spencer grinned.

"Ok." Spencer grinned. "I'm going to get you wasted and see if you slur." Spencer said. _And see if you'll do a few other things._ Her disobeying gutter mind whispered.

"Fine, its a deal." Ashley stuck out her hand and Spencer grabbed it firmly. Ashley pulled the girl a little closer, neither really noticing the motion. "And what if I really do?" She asked, struggling to keep her voice normal. The words came out soft and innocent. They were only a few inches apart and Spencer's heart was racing again. She pulled Ashley another inch closer, hands dropping to their sides, mouths edging closer with each frantic heartbeat. Spencer fought with an urge to reach out and wrap her hands around Ashley's waist, to tangle her fingers in that soft sundress material.

"Then you're faking it." She said, straining for a normal voice as she spoke into the girl's mouth, her distracted eyes giving her away in a mere flicker, dropping noticably to Ashley's much-too-close lips. Lingering there for a moment, she knew this physical closeness was forcing thoughts she didn't have need for, nor want. No, she surely didn't want this. Luckily, she had better control over her mouth than her mind. They pulled apart again, hearts racing, and kept walking, if only to keep their mind off of their _second_ almost kiss. In a chorus of heels clicking down the hall, Spencer led Ashely into the den.

She bit her lip nervously, hoping her mom nor Christine would pick up on the newly formed tension that was just as quickly fading between the two girls. Somehow, every touch only served to bring them closer. In the room, Paula sat on the couch in a white robe; Christine was sprawled, clothes wrinkled, in a chair beside her. They were both enthralled with the TV. Spencer and Ashley looked over to see what they were watching.

Ellen.

Wow.

Noticing the two girls standing at the doorway, Paula grinned and waved.

"We're watching Ellen!" She announced. "Now I see why you're gay Spencer." She turned back to the TV. Spencer's eyes widened. Paula seemed to forget that she had just uttered the most disturbing statement Spencer had ever heard in her entire life. If Paula Carlin as one thing in the entire world, it was straight. Disturbingly, annoyingly, religously straight; and no matter how unbeliavably drunk she got, she always remained so. Spencer was thrown.

Ashley glanced over at Spencer, a slight smile on her lips. If she had had any doubt the the blonde girl wasn't gay, that statement had abolished it.

"Way to show the pride Paula." Ashley congratulated her. She flopped down on/beside her mom in the huge armchair, instantly comfortable in this warm den. The huge TV was bright in the muted light of the room and all eyes, excluding Spencer's still distracted ones, were drawn to it. Spencer finally shook it off and went to sit next to Paula. The older blonde ignored her, transfixed by the short-haired lesbian cracking jokes on the screen. After a few minutes of being really weirded out, Spencer glanced over at Ashley to meet the girl's wandering eyes.

Ashley rolled her eyes, smiling. She was amused at her mother, who was a fanatic Ellen watcher and had probably convinced drunk Paula to watch it in the first place.

"You wanna get something to eat?" Spencer mouthed to the older girl, not wanting to interrupt her mom's pride education. Ashley nodded. Skipping out on that awesome lunch had not been a good idea, she'd decided. She stood up and followed Spencer out the room, down the hall, and into a huge kitchen. Bigger than Ashley's own, which was saying something. Spencer tossed a loaf of bread onto the marble island and started rifling through cabinets. After a few minutes of fruitless-pun intended-searching, she turned to Ashley.

"I have no idea where the food is." Spencer admitted, smiling sheepishly. "I haven't been home in a while and things have changed." She leaned back against the counter, raising her eyebrows in a hopeful expresson. "Any ideas?" Ashley lifted herself onto the island in the center of the kitchen and thought it over. She tilted her head, seemingly mulling many ideas over in her mind.

"Nope. Not one." Ashley said, meeting Spencer's eyes and shrugging. "Except...Burger King. Burger King is always good." She smiled cutely and Spencer laughed.

"I'm more of a Wendy's girl myself." She admitted. Ashley rolled her eyes.

"Sorry, but nothing-nothing-beats a Whopper with everything on it." Ashley stated, eyes almost daring Spencer to challenge her, a smile lingering behind them. Spencer only smiled and took the challenge without the bat of an eye.

"Nothing but a Crispy Chicken Sandwich with no mayo." Spencer countered, a grin growing.

"Triple Decker." Ashley proposed, some wicked look in her eyes.

"99 cent chicken nuggets."

"Onion rings."

"Chicken Ceasar Salad."

"Chicken fries." Spencer paused, eyebrows crinkled as she searched for something that actually compared to chicken fries. Ashley waited, a smile drifting onto her mouth. Finally, Spencer shrugged and grinned.

"I got nothing." She gave in, chuckling. "Chicken Fries are God's gift to multi-taskers." She said and Ashley nodded.

"I compltely agree." She said, crossing her ankles and swinging them from her perch on the counter. Spencer hopped up next to her. Leaning behind Ashley, she snagged the loaf of bread, completley missing the way Ashley's shoulders tensed when Spencer came that close. Spencer began untwisting the tie. Ashley watched her, bemused, and raised her eyebrows. Feeling Ashley's gaze on her, Spencer paused her fingers on the plastic and looked up at Ashley. Smiling a little shyly, her eyes twinkled.

"What?" She asked. Ashley shook her head, beyond enthralled with this blonde beauty. She smirked, trying to play it off.

"What are you doing?" She asked. Spencer glanced down at the bread, then back up.

"I'm hungry so-" Ashley cut her off by sliding down off the counter. She held one slim hand out to Spencer and tilted her head invintingly.

"Come on. I know where we're going."

Fifteen minutes and a ride in Ashley's car later, they stood in what Ashley's claimed to be her home away from home-her all time favorite resturaunt. Running her fingers over the plasitc dividers before the counter, she grinned at Spencer.

"Nothing beats Burger King." She grinned. Spencer laughed and leaned back against the divider where Ashley's hand rested. The brunette's body was much too close, but Spencer chose to ignore that. Instead, she breathed in the scent she had come to recognize as Ashley's and took comfort in the fact that nothing would happen here, in this overly public place. She could feel the warmth radiating off Ashley and, as was becoming usual, the comfort she felt at first quickly shifted into goosebumps and a thundering heart.

She tried to play it off, with dancing eyes and a small smile. But Ashley was slowly edging closer and Spencer was thinking of "Paul". The guy she had never met and yet was royally screwing over. When their sides touched and her stomach dropped, Spencer glanced away, anywhere but into Ashley's soft brown eyes. The other girl was leaning beside her, bodies barely restrained to what was considered accepted. Spencer was about three seconds and a touch from dragging the older girl into the bathroom. Which, needless to say, would have put a damper on the wedding plans,

"Can I take your order?" The bored voice of the teenage clerk brought Spencer fully into the world. Ashley, pushing herself away with way too much effort than should have been needed, walked toward the counter.

"Four large chicken fries."

"Four?" Spencer asked, her voice a little choked. She moved next to Ashley at the counter. Ashley, turning toward her with dark eyes that seemed much too intellgent and aroused at the moment, smirked.

"Oh, did you want some too?"


	9. an ocean between

**sorry for the incredibly long wait. i was writing inner revolution and it was all shit, so i had to go back to this and write actual gramatically-correct sentences, lol. i wrote this in like an hour, but...enjoy! the song's by _this providence_**

**Chapter Nine: an ocean between**

Spencer ditched her heels at her bedroom door and flopped down on her bed. The worn material felt exquisite beneath her exhausted body. Dertermined, though, she pushed herself up and headed to the bathroom. It was barely eleven, but there's only so long you can hang out with your secret crush before losing every bit of your energy. But before that energy goes, your restraints do. And when it came to Ashley, losing her restraints could have led to disaster.

Spencer shed her dress and turned on the hot water. Examining the ketchup stain on her forearm, she smiled to herself. Way overdressed and decidedly out of place, she and Ashley had stayed in Burger King for five straight hours anyway. Somewhere between the hilarious stories and the chicken fry fight, Spencer had started to fall for the other girl. When Ashley had dragged her to the car for a nighttime ride to the beach, Spencer had only fallen further. Though she wasn't quite in love yet-wasn't head-over-heels losing her common sense gone-she could see it lingering on the horizon, waiting for the precise moment to catch her in its grasp. She knew she would love it, being in love, but she knew she wouldn't like it. No, she knew she couldn't handle it.

She stepped into the hot water, steam escaping as she opened the door. Now that she thought back to it, everything seemed blurred and unimportant when she was around the older girl. Nothing but Ashley's dark brown eyes, crinkling with her smile, seemed relevant. Being so close to her, talking to her-it was like a drug she would have paid millions for. A drug she would readily and easily become addicted to. But that didn't mean she wasn't terrified of what the repercussions would be. She knew Ashley was getting married. She knew it because when she wasn't with Ashley, she was thinking of Ashley. And without the other girl's intoxicating prescence-the one that made her oblivious to reality- Spencer found herself thinking of Paul as well.

Spencer wasn't the type to break up a couple. She never had been and hoped never to be. But she could see herself carving little chinks into Ashley's future marriage. With each word and each laugh and each touch, Spencer was drawing Ashley more and more into her, and farther and farther away from Paul. It ate at her when she was like this, alone and without any distractions-distractions meaning simply Ashley. Though she had only known Ashley for two days, she could see the relationship they were forming. She knew what she was doing.

But what really hurt her-what really worried her-was expressed simply in a line that had been rolling around in her head for the past couple of days.

_"It's just--for the first time.. I feel wicked."_

Years had passed under her mother's constant disapproval of her sexual oritentation-years of being told she was wrong for something she couldn't help. Now, though, she felt what everyone told her she should feel.

She finally felt wrong.

The problem, the issue, the entire root of the controversy, wasn't that she was doing these things, forming this relationship. No, the problem was, she didn't care. Not when she was with Ashley. She honestly, truly, completely could not have cared less.

It would be her downfall.

And she _knew_ it.

IOIOI

Madison was relaxed on the single couch in her apartment, the muted lights sending shadows across her floor and drenching her in dramatic light. Everything in the room was tan and beige and white, but clashingly so. She sipped her red wine in her black dress and waited for her door to open. She had already buzzed him up, was already on her way to being buzzed herself-albeit in a very different way-and now they just needed to put their plan into action.

Composed through late night/early morning phone calls and tweaked until it felt perfect rolling from their lips, they were sure of their success. So sure, in fact, that they were beginning to become careless. It didn't matter much, Madison had decided, because nothing they were doing was particulary sinister. Her only worry was that Ashley would find out she had been spending an abnormal amount of time with Justin and would get mad. Madison hated when Ashley was mad at her.

Madison wasn't in love with Ashley, per say. She was just utterly attracted to things she couldn't have. It didn't matter how worthless they were by themselves, if they were shiny on the outside and coveted by someone else, Madison went for it. And she usually got it. Ashley was the one thing she had constantly been denied, whether by the girl herself or the various men she had been attached to. Paul was just the latest-and possibly the most permanent-of the obstacles standing in Madions's way. And Spencer, Madison could see clearly, was on her way to becoming yet another obstacle.

Madison had known Ashley longer than anyone else-longer even than Kyla. She had learned every nuance of Ashley's personality, every tip off onto what the girl was feeling. This learning was more out of necessity then anything else, because Ashley was not one to just spill whatever was running around in that little brain of her's. And from lunch earlier, Madison was aware-almost painfully so-of the way Ashley was growing attached to Spencer. And it sort of pissed her off.

The door to her apartment clicked open and Madison was drawn from her thoughts. Justin slouched in, hands shoved in his pockets. He shot her a disarming smile and kicked the door shut behind him.

"Its a great night." He said, glancing out of the floor to ceiling windows lining the wall beside Madison. She didn't bother to glance out of them. She had seen great nights before-hell, she'd seen gorgeous nights before-and they didn't compare to what the guy standing before her could bring.

"Are you ready?" Madison asked. Standing up slowly, her slinky black dress sliding down her thighs, she placed her wine on the coffe table, leaning over just enough to give Justin a hint of her cleavage. She had always known how to drive the guys wild and now it just came instinctively. She wasn't consiously trying to distract him. Glancing up to see Justin practically drooling, she raised an eyebrow.

"Down boy." Her soft voice floated across the room, not really helping him concentrate. Madison could see that this was going somewhere it didn't need to go-somewhere she didn't want it to go, so she put a halt to it. "Let's go over it one more time." She said, counting on the boy's fascination with Ashley Davies to pull him into reality, and out of whatever dirty thoughts were crowding his mind at the moment. It worked and Madison wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing. He flopped down on a leather chair. Madison walked into the adjoining kitchen to get him a bottle of wine.

"So." Justin said. He leaned forward, tapping his fingernails on her glass coffee table. "You set Spencer up with a blind date"-he didn't employ air quotes, but the feeling was obviously there- "for the wedding, I show up as the blind date. Ashley sees me, gets mad, we fight. Angry sex." Madison was letting him believe that little tidbit to make sure he was motivated enough. If there was anyone Ashley was going to fight and then have angry sex with, it would be Spencer Carlin. Madison was positive of it. Unless, of course, it was herself. And that was exactly what she was planning on.

"Right." Madison said, a glass of chardonnay-Justin's favorite year-in her hand. She handed it to him and sat back down. The moonlight, revealed by the slow sliding of the grey clouds outside, lingered on her skin, painting her eyes even darker. Justin eyed her hungrily and Madison just didn't have the heart to turn him down again. Instead, she just ignored him. Even if she was the horniest person on the planet and Justin was the only person with a pulse, she wouldn't have gone there.

Not after what they had done to Ashley so many years ago.

IOIOIOI

_Two Days Later_

She had gone a whole 48 hours without Spencer. A long, confusing 48 hours, during which she had thought of Paul a total of six times. That was only once every eight _hours_. And four of those times didn't really count, because she had only been thinking of him because she felt bad that she didn't feel bad about not thinking about him.

Yeah, it had been a very long, very confusing 48 hours.

And if she thought about it, the other two times didn't really count. Then, she had only been thinking about him because she was dreading his return, which was not something a fiancee should not do. Not that she'd ever really done what she was supposed to do, but this was crossing a much bigger line than she ever had before. This was snapping a heart in half, if she believed what Paul told her he felt. And for some reaosn, she did. Which just made it a hell of a lot worse.

Ashely was standing outside a bridal shop, waiting on a particular blonde-and not the one who's ring she wore. No, the one for whom she was steadily preparing to ditch that ring, whether she realized it or not. She leaned back against the display window and crossed her arms, these unpleasant thoughts pissing her off. She just wated to live and love. That's really all she'd ever wanted.

A car squealed to a stop in front of the store and a harried Spencer spilled out. She smiled apolegetically and Ashley remembered exactly why she was going through this. Or rather, she saw exactly who she was going through this for. All the annoyance just faded away, just slipped out of her. After a few days she had accepted what she was felt for Spencer. It was useless trying to deny the crush and she knew that ignoring it would only make it harder to cover up. So she accepted it and refused to acknowledge it. She had filed it under "pre-wedding jtters" and stowed it away.

Or tried to.

"I'm so sorry." Spencer blew a strand of hair out of her face, her purse swinging from her arm, sunglasses pushed hurridly onto the top of her head. She looked adorably messy. Spencer grinned brightly at Ashley. She was thrilled at finally getting to see the girl. She had held off calling for an entire day, though her phone had been practically throwing itself in her direction. Practically begging her to make the call. "My mom had a design crisis." Spencer rolled her eyes dramatically and Ashley chuckled.

"It's cool. I haven't been here long." She had been standing there for 27 minutes. "You ready?" Ashley asked. Spencer nodded and forced a smile for Ashley.

"Let's find your dress." Spencer said, the words cutting into her more than they should have. They both gave half-hearted smiles. Stepping into the store, they drew in identical deep breaths. This was going to be a long day.

IOIOIOI

After nine dresses, seven pairs of shoes, three assistants and twelve veils, everyone invovled was exhausted. Just getting into the dress was hard enough, but apparently Ashely wasn't in the best mood because she was rejecting everything. Even the perfect, gorgeous, sparkling dress that she stood in now.

"It's too tight." Ashely said disdainfully, but her eyes gave her away.They were sparkling happily, taking in her image in the mirror. The dress was perfect. A once-in-a-lifetime sort of gorgeous. The kind of dress you never ever find.

It was unbeliavable.

Spencer, who hadn't seen her yet, was shifting through shoes on the other side of a short wall.

"What do you mean?" She asked distractedly. She had grown used to Ashely's bitchy mood, though the assistants could only take about an hour before giving up in a flurry of dropped clothes and thrown out arms. Ashely frowned.

"I mean, I just don't like it." Ashely didn't have it in her to be mean to Spencer. She stepped off the box as the assistant dropped the bag she was holding, threw out her arms, and stormed off. Ashley twirled around before the mirror. She just might have to buy this, even if she would never wear it for Paul. Even as she was becoming more and more bitter toward him. It was an absolutey gorgeous dress. She swept her hair up wit her hands, standing before the mirror, the tan lights shading her perfectly. She was flawless.

Spencer, still crouched on the other side of the wall, glanced up distractedly. Not that there was anything to see, but she had to drag her attention away from the shoes. She was trying to focus on them instead of the lovely brunette who looked even prettier in all white and lace, her brown hair and brown eyes standing out.

"What exactly don't you like?" Spencer asked, putting the shoes down. She had a feeling Ashely wasn't going to be choosing a dress today. The other girl was incorrigible at the moment.

"It makes me look fat." Was Ashley's simple, emotionless answer. Then, Spencer stepped around the wall. Her heart skipped for a few seconds, and she unconciously bit at her lip.

Ashley looked gorgeous. She usually looked good-no, she usually looked great. She was hot in a jean miniskirt and a band tee, as Spencer had found out today, with Converse and punk sunglasses. And she looked beautiful in a light sundress, her hair all down in waves and part of it pinned behind her head. And she looked pretty in jeans and a cute top, all bare arms and teasing smiles at her engagement party.

But here, her hair naturally curly in this perfect wedding dress, her eyes sparkling at Spencer in the mirror, she looked gorgeous.

Utterly, unbelivably gorgeous.

Spencer stopped in her tracks, just staring for a few seconds. Ashely turned around, catching her eyes for real and not just through the mirror and Spencer lost another part of herself in the girl. She lost the first time you see someone you love in a wedding dress. Because, honestly, she was falling and spinning for Ashley, losing herself steadily in the other girl.

"You look gorgeous." Spencer managed truthfully, her voice kind of broken. Their eyes never left the other's.

"I don't like it." Asheley repeated, but there was nothing convincing in her statement. She had a sudden, startling thought of Spencer meeting her at the end of the aisle instead of Paul. She was too caught up in Spencer's baby blues to push the thought away.

"You should buy it." Spencer said, but she didn't like thinking about Paul holding Ashley in that dress, kissing her and...she didn't like thinking about Paul. Their eyes were still locked, betraying emotions without care or hesitancy. Spencer just wanted to stand there and stare at Ashley for hours. She really was that beautiful. More than anything, she wanted to capture that beauty, wrap it up in her arms and kiss _her._ Because even when the beauty faded, Ashley's raspy voice and her quick laugh made Spencer move closer.

"I know. I will." Ashley agreed simply, quietly. She turned back to the mirror, breaking their gaze. She tried to focus on her face, on her dress in the clear mirror, but her eyes kept getting dragged to Spencer's form. She was still standing where she had first stopped. Ashley's reached behind her to unzip the dress. Spencer, still transfixed, barely moved. That- right there -had been why she was behind the half-wall in the first place, because Ashley was changing. And with anyone else, it wouldn't have bothered her, but with Ashley, she found out, her cheeks would flush and her heart would pound and so she went to look at shoes.

Carefully, as if trying not to be noticed, the moment slipped away. The realizations and the newly expressed emotions changed their relationship- shifted it -even as the actual cause drifted. They slid back into normal, but this normal was different than what it had been moments ago. They were different than what they had been before. They had seen reflected what tapped in their own hearts. Now all that was left was to see what they would do with this normal- with this shift.

After a few seconds of struggling with the zipper and then realizing that the assistant had fled-another in a long line, Ashley met Spencer's eyes in the mirror. "Could you help me with this?" She asked, almost immeadiately regretting it. At the same time, wishing that Spencer would come over and touch her. Spencer nodded mutely and stepped across the soft carpet. She stopped behind Ashley, her fingers going up to the zipper at the top. Ashley studied her face in the mirror, felt her hands on her back, her breath on her neck. Knew her heart was racing, knew goosebumps were rising.

Spencer looked adorable, focusing intently on the zipper, biting her lip. Ashley was tingling all over, feeling desire and want and knowing she shouldn't. Knowing she couldn't. Knowing that maybe Spencer felt it too.

"It's stuck." Spencer said softly, scared to break into the tensed silence between them. The enflamed silence. She met Ashley's eyes in the mirror, her hands resting on her shoulders. "You really do look gorgeous." Spencer muttered into Ashley's ear. She didn't even have to move forward to say it, because she was only centimeters from the girl's cheek. Suddenly- though it wasn't to either of them -and impulsively- though it was almost involuntary -Spencer closed the last breaths of space between them and pressed her lips against Ashley's neck.

One, simple, innocent kiss.

She tasted the soft skin, pressed until her teeth felt the pressure. Eyes lingered on the dark tan color, the white material rising below it. Dark curly hair brushing her own cheek, intimately smelling her fruity shampoo. A simple second of a kiss.

She pulled back instants later, her heart racing with what she had just done, her mouth tingling. Her nose was filled with the smell of Ashley's perfume-the same perfume that had tempted her into tasting it. Her fingers still rested lightly on Ashley's tan shoulders, one half-covering a tiny freckle.

Ashley's heart was racing. Not pounding or thumping, but literally _racing_ in her chest, almost pleading to get out. She could feel Spencer's kiss on her shoulder like a brand. Like it was red and glaring and everyone should be able to see it, because it was the only thing Ashley could feel besides Spencer's light hands. And her body heat an inch behind Ashley. All Ashley knew, all Ashley felt, was Spencer.

Their eyes met in the mirror, making the moment real, making everything sharply real. Bringing the bridal shop back into their minds, the constant bustle of the room cutting them away from each other. Spencer stepped back, but Ashley turned and caught one of her hands before she could go anywhere. Took her fingers with a casually intimate touch that told more than stuttered words and half-syllables could.

"Let's um..." Ashley didn't finish her sentence, just pulled Spencer toward the dressing room down the hall. Once they were there, without any hint or warning, Ashley kissed Spencer.

She pulled her through the curtain, took her face in her hands, and kissed her. Softly, but with meaning; nervously, but with intent. And Spencer kissed Ashley back, without really meaning to, without really knowing what she was doing. Without even thinking about it, which was something Spencer never really did. She always thought about it.

Each little kiss lasted forever, each taste was worth anything that could come afterwards. But they weren't thinking about afterwards. Spencer was feeling the beads of Ashley's wedding dress under her fingers and Ashley was tangling her fingers in Spencer hair and they were kissing. And nothing else really mattered.

The seat in the dressing room bent into the back of Ashley's knees, but she just kept kissing Spencer. Soft and innocently, barely exploring, rarely going beyond what she could readily taste. Not really needing to. Smelling what was Spencer and tasting the same. Seconds of a kiss that felt so natural it would never end. A kiss that put all other kisses to shame, from its heat to its innocence to the simple _feeling_ behind it. Behind the closed eyes and thumping hearts of both girls involved.

Then, like it was a mutual agreement, they both pulled apart. Both short of breath, hands still lingering on the other girl. Faces only a millisecond apart. They couldn't think for a second. Too many incoherent pleasure thoughts crowded their minds. Then, Spencer pulled her hands off Ashley and stepped back. Kept them hanging somewhere before them because she knew- with that sure descision- that her hands should be on Ashley.

"Oh shit." Ashley said softly. Spencer trailed her eyes down Ashley's body, taking in the dress, and the way her face was flushed, and her bare feet. Memorizing everything, but not really realizing it. Not wanting to think about why she as doing it.

"I know." Spencer agreed, voice almost lost in the tension between them. Somewhere in the other room- which felt miles off but was really only feet -Ashley's phone rang loudly. Spencer just stood there, fingers twisting in her shirt. Ashley, eyes darting and lips flushed, walked past Spencer slowly. Broke out of their quiet escape, their silent sin, with purposeful footsteps. With steps that put every kiss, every past minute, further into the past. Shoved it away, filed it under mistakes and..under things she wanted to do again. Things she wanted to repeat over and over just to see if it was possible to ever get tired of them. To ever really not want to do them. And she couldn't imagine never wanting to kiss Spencer. Never wanting to feel those hands...

"Hey Paul." Ashley answered the phone quietly, but she knew Spencer could hear her. Knew this call was cementing the regret into their hearts. She knew a lot of things, or she was supposed to. The actions only moments before proved the fact that she hadn't learned anything. That nothing Justin had done to her had sank in, because here she was, screwing Paul just the same way.

"Hey hun. You shopping for a dress today?" Paul's voice was hurried, like it always was. Even home and relaxed, his words raced to get out first, a result of the constant rush his job provided. A part of who he was and something Ashley found annoying. Because she liked slow. She liked quiet and relaxed sometimes, like nothing could come between. But there was that reminder, always, of Paul's work. Every time he spoke.

"Yeah, I'm in a shop right now."

"Oh, is that why it took you so long to answer the phone?" Ashley paused, painfully. Feeling those left-over emotions scarred into her by Justin. Feeling regret. Harsh and cutting regret, something she hadn't felt in a long time.

"Yeah. That was it."

"Oh, ok. Hey, I'll call you back later. I gotta go."

"K."

"Love you."

"Love you too." Ashley answered, knowing Paul wanted to hear it. Knowing, maybe, he needed it the same way she needed to not say it. The way she despised uttering those lies, he loved hearing them. They touched him with the same softness as Spencer's hands touched her. With fire and promise and emotion and everything Ashley was so good at faking. Everything Spencer had brought to her with a simple kiss, something she hadn't felt in a while. A long while.

"I'm gonna go." Spencer brushed past her, purse hanging off her hand, eyes carefully avoiding the source of her sins. The girl she was breaking so many limbos for.

"Yeah..ok." Was all Ashley said, because she knew she couldn't stop Spencer. Knew she had no right to and that Spencer was doing the right thing. She was walking away, which was what Ashley should have done after that shoulder kiss. What had flitted- for what could barely be considered a second- through her mind, hardly gracing her thoughts. Because she wasn't good. Wasn't nice or kind or anything she was learning Spencer was, and this proved it. Fuck, this proved it.

And Spencer was gone.

Out the door and Ashley was left utterly confused and knowing she shouldn't be. Knowing she should just go with the right thing, but not being able to do that.

Not wanting to at all.


	10. bound to happen

**after this chapter i'm taking somewhat of a hiatus..sorry, but i'll get you something to read this side of christmas. there's a lot of stuff happening next week- exams. suck.- and i barely have time now. that goes for _inner_ too, unfourtunately. **

**anyway, the song's by the spill canvas. i love/hate/love-to-hate the last part of this chapter. enjoy! **

**Chapter Ten: bound to happen**

Ashley fumbled with the guitar for the twelfth time that day, skipping her fingers over the strings, trying to replay a melody that had been in her head for the past week but refused to appear now. She was growing frustrated, because she wasn't very patient and even less so when it came to music. Especially bad music, which was coming out of her guitar every time she touched the thing. Horrible refrains and loose melodies, and she didn't even want to think about her song-writing, which had been reduced to pathetic love escapist lyrics.

She had started writing songs again three days ago. Or something like that. She tried not to be specific because that would lead to the assumption that Spencer had induced this sudden rush of creativity and Ashley couldn't admit to that. Wanted to, but couldn't. She hadn't written songs since high school, which was ages ago. Or maybe it just felt that way. Back then, too, she had scribbled out escapist lyrics; long choruses about running away from L.A. and all the lights and noise. Maybe running away with a wonderful guy in tow. Now, she wrote about escaping a lifestyle, still with someone though the pronouns had changed.

Ashley placed her guitar on the bed beside her, resisiting the destructive urge to punch something inantimate. She hated being confused and helpless, especially when she had let it happen. She sighed and laced her hands behind her head, staring up at her ceiling, and started wondering about emotions and mouths and all the other things that cause passion and heartbreak and wars. Spencer Carlin's mouth was soft and sweet and managed to be more inviting than Paul's had ever been. Ashley could see how that mouth would cause wars, because it was doing a fine job of sending Ashley into a sudden, destructive backspin.

The clock read three o'clock, brightly declaring that Ashley had been struggling with her thoughts for near eleven hours. She rolled away from the sight, attempting to ignore the fact and then relaized that she was barely awake and her eyes were drifting shut. She was probably delusional, she decided, which was why it was so hard to let go of Spencer Carlin. And to stop thinking about the girl's mouth and the wars is would cause. The single, completley personal war that it was causing right now.

Yeah, she was definitely delusional.

She closed her eyes and tried to go to sleep, because right now dreaming about Spencer- which she knew she would do, which she had been doing for the past couple of days -was better than blinking eyes and bad lyrics.

Two seconds later they flicked open again and she reached for her guitar.

IOIOIOI

"So how was dress shopping with Ashley today? Is Paul going to love the dress?" Paula asked, stabbing a lettuce leaf on her plate rather viciously and shoving it into her mouth to munch on it threateningly. Spencer glanced back at her melodramatic actions and got the feeling that her mother had wanted her to stay home today. As if her "design crisis" hadn't pointed that out earlier.

"Fine. And yeah, he will." Spencer answered, her gaze transfixed on the newest Real World and trying to stay that way. She didn't want to talk about Ashley Davies, or Ashley Davies' wedding, or dress reactions, or Paul. She definitely did not want to talk about Paul.

"Is that all? Just fine?" Paula questioned, apparently not going to let it go. Spencer pressed pause and then turned the tv off. She turned to her mother, who sat ten feet behind her at the kitchen table, a salad before her.

"It was fun. I helped with the shoes." It wasn't a lie, it was just a selective commentary of the day's events. It was four o'clock in the morning and Paula had just gotten home from work to find Spencer zombie-like, watching MTV reruns. Paula hadn't exactly sprung into action, but she knew her daughter and she knew somthing was up. To tell the truth, she wasn't the best mother until she had a few drinks in her-at least three. After three she was all ears and smiles.

"Are you going to see her any more this week?" Paula was unknowingly prodding sensitive territory, because she was asking questions Spencer didn't know the answer to, nor expected to find out. She was asking questions that had been driving Spencer crazy for the past hours, in addition to a bittersweet vivid memory.

"I don't know." Spencer stated simply, licking at her lips for a taste she could still feel and wishing that she could relive kisses. No, wishing that she could relive one, specific kiss. "I'm gonna go out." Spencer stood up, shedding the blanket that had been draped over her knees, and trying to keep the slightly pained look from her face. Paula frowned, confused and a little worried, but mainly focused on what Spencer was currently preventing her from doing - getting wasted beyond belief.

"Well, I can't stop you." Paula stated ambigously. Spencer shot her an unreadable, aged and experienced look that halted Paula for a second. It was a look that belonged to someone who had been hurt and torn and had come back only to keep getting pounded. Only to bruise on her barely healed scars. It was a look that Paula saw in herself and one she had never wanted to see on her daughter's face. One painful look that made Paula guilty.

"I'll see you tomorrow." Spencer muttered, knowing her mom would be asleep until two, draining her body of whatever alcohol she would down tonight. What had been endearing until she realized the extent of it was now horrifying. She padded into her bedroom, pulled on a pair of jeans and a zip-up hoodie, and then slipped out the front door. She took her mom's car keys from the garage and peeled out of the driveway with only one thought on her mind. It stemmed from, reflected, but didn't concern Ashley Davies, as much as Spencer wished it did.

No, tonight she needed Aiden. She needed the boy and their relationship, which was really nothing more than a series of repeating mistakes. He was her ex. Her first ex, though definitely not her last; and she was his first love, and probably his only. He loved her so hard and so desperately and made himself Spencer's secret- dirty or otherwise. They had a friends with benefits thing now, much to her disdain. It was Spencer's one secret, her one serious mistake and she hated it and loved it and it made her utterly human and wrong and screwed up.

Not that her actions with Ashley eariler hadn't proved that.

But that had been a slip that was entirely her fault and she regretted it, though she thought she might do it again if she had the chance. She relazed she would do it again, if Paul would just _die_. And she hated feeling that way and owning that disgusting emotion. She wanted to go back to having one dirty secret, to being human and screwed up and not just a mess of a person who slept with obsessed boys and kissed taken girls. She was going to forget Ashley, in the arms of someone who thought he needed her.

But tonight, she needed him.

IOIOIOI

Christine, bagels in hand in true Cohen style- a tradition stemming from mother-daughter _O.C._ marathons - knocked lightly on the Carlins' front door. Her hair was pulled back, her jeans were old, and her face was makeup-free. She still looked gorgeous, and she was easily aware of it, though not concerned with the fact. She hadn't come here for _anything _concerning her looks, or at least that's what she was telling herself. Well, she most certainly didn't need approval from Paula Carlin, who was becoming a friend and nothing more. Christine sighed, bagels slumping in her hands and knocked once more, deciding that after one more knock, she would leave. She wasn't the pathetic type.

A bird tweeped from somewhere to her right and Christine glanced over, across the bright green grass and blooming trees. The sky was bright blue, even in the light ten o'clock sunshine, and a bird sprung into flight, soaring toward the sky. Christine tried to steady her nerves and thumping heart. Just friends and nothing more..she wasn't really sure whether that was the truth or not. She lifted her hand to knock a third time, when the door creaked open. Paula stood there, eyes sleepy and hair pulled into a loose bun. She looked dishelved and exhausted, but wary. She looked like nothing would ever crack the facade she wore constantly. She smiled softly when she saw Christine, her mouth turning up at the edges.

"Hey." Paula relaxed a little, hand still on the door. "You wanna come in?" She asked, stepping back to let Christine through and thanking God that someone had appeared at her door this morning. A night without alcohol made her weak and when she was weak she was cruel-especially to those she loved the most; she didn't want Spencer to have to deal with that.

"Yeah, sure. I brought bagels." Christine smiled brightly, offering the warm bagels, carefully wrapped in a paper towel, toward Paula. Paula grinned, reaching out for the food and brushing Christine's hand.

"Thanks." She said softly. She looked again at Christine, this time with something different in her mind, and was surprised to see that Christine echoed the look. She smiled again. "So, what brings you around?" Paula asked curiously, stepping backward to the kitchen. Christine followed, tapping down the wood floors, light from the windows-which were everywhere-reflecting white squares onto the floor.

"Just in the neighborhood." Which Paula knew was a lie, because her house was out in the middle of nowhere and the only people who were ever "in the neighborhood" were the ones who lived in it.

"Yeah? Well, thanks for stopping by." Paula said, glancing back to see if the echoes were still in Christine's eyes. They were barely there, hidden well but then again Paula had spent years looking for them.

"No problem." Christine grinned again and Paula smiled back. And they both saw echoes and echoed and wondered and concealed. And there were steps to be taken and sheilds to build if those steps faltered. Both could see paths and bends, but neither were sure of how they were labled.

But then again, maybe there were no echoes, only delusions.

IOIOIOI

Ashley held her phone in her hands, held her hands in her lap, and tried not to call Spencer. She was doing an awesome job of it, because she had held off for almost three hours now. Of course, one of them had been spent in the shower and eating, but the other two had passed by painfully slow. She needed to talk to the other girl because when she was confused, she had to talk it out. She had to put the words and the truth out there and see what came of it. On the other hand, maybe she should just forget about Spencer Carlin. Maybe, she should delete the number and hope Spencer never called her and just go on with what was her life. Go on with the imposing wedding and forget about blonde girls and their shoulder kisses.

And on a completely different hand, maybe she should just run off with Spencer and forget every world where weddings ever happened.

Her guitar had been abandoned in the den downstairs, after- finally -she had written something worth singing. She had eaten and showered and slept and was left with nothing to do except sit here and tell herself she couldn't call Spencer. So she was giving it her best shot, and if you asked her, it was a great shot. It was working fine.

_"There's no turning back for us tonight. Lace up your shoes, here's how we do. Run baby-" _

Ashley stared at the phone for a few seconds, not really believing that Spencer was calling her. When it finally hit her, she fumbled with the phone, hurridly flicking it open.

"Hello?" She asked, pulling her legs up beneath her. Her face such of mixture of confusion, hope, guilt, and restraint that they all merged together and cleared her of any discernable emotion. She bit at her lower lip.

"Hey, it's Spencer." The girl said softly, voice drifting. She picked at the chair she was in.

"Hey." Ashley returned just as softly, as if speaking clearly and openly would break this fragile connection. Would shatter half-kisses and guilty pleasures.

"You wanna meet me?" Spencer asked.

"Sure. Now?" Ashley got up too quickly, already going for her shoes and jacket.

"Yeah. How about that park off Garrington?"

"Sounds good. I'll see you in ten." Ashley tried to keep her nervous apprehension out of her voice, but she wasn't sure it worked.

"Ok. Bye."

"Bye." Snatching the keys from the bowl by the door, Ashley shoved her phone into her back pocket and practically fell down the stairs in her hurry. On her way out the door, she saw her mom pulling out of the garage.

"Hey Mom." Ashley kept jogging down the front walk. Christine frowned and turned to watch her daughter almost sprint off.

"What's the hurry?" Christine called after Ashley. Ashley didn't bother to glance back.

"Wedding stuff." She didn't like lying to her mom, but the woman knew her better than she would have liked to admit. And Ashley knew that even if she didn't say it, Christine knew she was going to see Spencer.

IOIOIOI

Spencer let the steam from her coffee rise up and warm her chin, as she stared out across the lush green grass of Garrington Park. It was a usual L.A. winter, seventy degrees and a hot afternoon sun glaring down at her. But, despite the pleasant weather, she had clammy hands and nervousness deep in the pit of her stomach. She hated feeling like this, in the calm before the storm, and she knew once Ashley appeared all of it would just fade away. She knew she would feel better than she had for hours, just because the girl was near.

Now, though, she was caught up in all the wrong.

Ashley pulled up in the parking lot across the grass and climbed out of her car. She came toward Spencer, the toes of her dark brown cowboy boots peeking out from under her jeans and the words on her big green sweatshirt half-covered by her crossed arms. She looked cold and nervous and out of place under the warm sunshine. She looked like she belonged in a coffee shop somewhere, or a library. She didn't look like someone who was going to be married in three weeks; she looked far too undesicive and confused for that.

She looked like a half-grown girl. What's that song? I'm not a girl, not yet a woman? Ashley looked like a Britney Spears song.

Spencer scooted over a little on the bench to allow Ashley to squeeze in next to her.

"Hey." Ashley said, uncrossing her arms and looking over at Spencer. She curled her fingers around the edge of the bench, but found herself steadily relaxing. Spencer had that effect on her.

"Are we gonna talk about it?" Spencer blurted out, past small talk and avoidance, and now determined to find some solid ground.

"Do you want to?" Ashley probed gently.

"I think we have too." Spencer placed her coffee on the ground beside the bench, and turned to meet Ashley's eyes. The girl's chesnut brown threw her for a second; made her stomach drop in that exceedingly pleasant way. She forgot why they had to talk and why they couldn't just kiss away the questions.

"Ok." Ashley looked away first, out across the almost empty green park. "I kissed you." She muttered into the air, bringing her hand up to scratch at her ear, a nervous habit.

"Yeah. I kissed you." Spencer echoed. Well, that conversation was going nowhere. Ashley's hand accidentally brushed Spencer's knee and the blonde girl felt a tingle go up her leg. She bit at her lip and looked off to the side, trying to grasp onto any thought that had been floating around her head before they fled at Ashley's touch. Ashley sighed and sat back.

"Well, I'm getting married." Ashley stated simply, trying to put some sort of casual into words that were never casual.

"I know." Spencer sat back too and turned her head to Ashley, studying her face but avoiding her eyes. "I still want to kiss you." Spencer admitted softly, her eyes falling onto Ashley's lips traitorously.

"I still want to kiss you." Ashley admitted as well, her own eyes on Spencer's lips. "But I don't know if we can."

"We can't." Spencer answered automatically, but there was no conviction in the words. "We shouldn't." But Ashley's lips were coming closer- almost unnoticabley so- and Spencer wasn't pulling away. In fact, she might have been the one pushing toward.

"So they say." Ashley's voice was almost so freaking close to normal, but it wasn't. There was the slightest undertone of want, of guilt and secrets. Ashley closed the distance, the centimeters that one of them had left in their involuntary movement forward, and pressed her lips into Spencer's. Spencer kissed her back, breifly, that nervousness in her stomach dissipating and something else taking it's place. With just mouths they kissed, until Ashley untangled one hand from its curl around the bench and caught Spencer's cheek in it.

Spencer pulled away first.

"We can't do this here." She said quietly, not meeting Ashley's eyes. Ashley studied her face, until finally, Spencer looked up and then stood up. Taking Ashley's hand she pulled her down the cement path.

They reached the roughly elegant bathrooms and Spencer tugged Ashley inside, pushing open the door with one hand, the other still entwined with Ashley's. There was no one in there, in the grey cement building. The small room was dark green and pale white, no lights save the natural light streaming through gaps high in the wall. Spencer turned back to Ashley and pulled her as close as she could. Wrapped her tan arms around the girl's waist and held her close. Kissed her with tongues and teeth and everything she wanted to say. She kissed her with everything she was starting feel and everything she felt already. She kissed away Paul, for both of them.

Ashley pushed her backwards, until Spencer was against a wall and there was no definable space between the two girls. Until Ashley's worn sweatshirt rubbed against Spencer's bare arms and her rough jeans slid between Spencer's legs. She braced her hands on the rough wall. Spencer rolled Ashley over, switching spots. Ashley tangled her hands in Spencer's loose curls and Spencer hooked her fingers through Ashley's jeans and pressed her against the wall and against herself, and, there in the privately public bathroom, they kissed until they couldn't breathe.

When Spencer finally pulled away, she pressed her hands against the wall behind Ashley, and let her hot breath come in pants against the side of the brunette's face. She leaned against the older girl, trying to keep upright and sane, and not lose it all, here in this bathroom. Only, the problem was, pressing herself up against the gorgeous girl was not helping. Ashley's hands slid down to Spencer's waist, and her own breath came short and fast against Spencer's neck. Her leg still caught between Spencer's thighs.

"You wanna get out of here?" Ashley breathed into Spencer's neck. Spencer paused, but the thrill in her stomach and the thump in her chest took over all her brain cells. The leg between her own made her eyes shut tight.

Spencer's barriers were falling, crashing and splattering before her in grand style. She barely had time to realize they were there, and suddenly, they were on the ground. Barriers her mother had helped her build up, and maybe the only honestly good thing her mother had ever graced her with, these walls of decency and strength. But, no matter now, because they shattered before Ashley's fingertips. Before her soft, sweet smile and her husky voice.

"Yeah." She managed, barely able to pull away. Meeting Ashley's eyes, she smiled gently, because there was a reason for all this. And she knew it wasn't just simple lust. Ashley pushed off the wall, and had to stop herself from leaning over and pressing a kiss into Spencer's cheek. She wanted to let all the tender and all the sweetness out, and not just this rough want and need. Instead, she laced her fingers through Spencer's and pulled her toward the car.

They drove the eight and a half minutes in tense silence, the knowledge of what was to come enough for both of them. Ashley glanced over to look at Spencer, at how gorgeous she looked in the fading afternoon, and didn't bother to try to think anything out. She just did it, just flew down the streets to her house.

Spencer twisted her hands in her lap and tried to remember Paul and the way Ashley was attached to him, but none of that mattered when Ashley kissed her like that. None of it mattered when all Spencer could feel was her racing heart and her tingling skin.

The pulled into Ashley's garage, vacant save a few cans of paint, and Ashley looked over at Spencer before she got out. The words were missing, but the question was evident. _Are you sure?_ Spencer tilted her head slightly and bit her lip, studying Ashley's eyes for any hesitation, any second-guessing. There was none. She nodded, her eyes still dark and her mind still flustered.

They touched at the door, when Ashley pushed inside and Spencer followed and Ashley turned and Spencer kept going and suddenly they were tangling limbs and meeting lips again and pushed against the island in the center of the kitchen. It wasn't planned, bit it wasn't clumsy. Spencer was sure if the island hadn't been there, they would have kept stumbling until something else stopped them. Like a wall.

"Bedroom." Ashley breathed between kisses, and then lead Spencer up a flight of stairs and into Ashley's slightly familiar bedroom. The covers Ashley's fingers had curved over and the stool Spencer had perched on where still there, only this time Spencer didn't hesitate to fall onto those covers with Ashley. To handle being with the girl on the bed. Spencer tugged Ashley's sweatshirt off and pushed her onto the bed, stomach into stomach, legs tangled with legs. And they kissed away the questions and the guilt and kept the closeness through every whimper and every yell.

Through every memory.

IOIOIOI

When Ashley woke up, hours later, Spencer was gone. If it wasn't for the crumpled sheets and her state of undress- the bite marks and the sore back -she would have believed it to be a dream. It felt so unreal, so sudden and impulsive, that it couldn't have happened it real life. You don't act that uncaring and that dismissive in real life. But here she was, lying naked in bed, and there was a note on the bed table. A page with what Ashley assumed was Spencer's handwriting, saying goodbye and not much else.

It was ok, because Ashley wouldn't have known what to say either.

What she had done hit her fully six minutes after she woke up, like jumping in an outdoor pool after sitting in a hot tub for hours. Every pleasure left over, every tangible ache, washed away with sudden reality. Three missed calls from Paul blared on her phone. It cut into her, god it cut into her. Guilt and relief and so many conflicting emotions- but what had she been expecting? What had been simple since Spencer Carlin had walked into her life? She didn't blame the girl though.

She blamed herself.

God, what had she done.

Outside, rain threatened, the low rumble of thunder calling across the formerly clear skies. Figured. Ashley wrapped a robe around herself numbly and gathered the sheets in her arms, knowing she had to wash them before her mother returned. Somewhere during the washing cycle, she changed into sweatpants and a tank and downed a couple shots of scotch. Her carefully constructed, carefully regulated world was slipping from her fingers. The one she had built up from absolutely nothing, save a tumultous youth and a hard-earned college degree.

She was dazed. It was the only adjective worthy of her position at the moment, and she was every bit of it. She could still feel Spencer's hands all over her, like sweet burns on her skin if there ever was such a thing. If there wasn't, Spencer had just created them. She had four bite marks- she counted and then drug out the concealer. It wasn't a first for her, but it was something she had never wanted to repeat.

God, what had she done?

She was sore- pleasantly sore and ashamed of it. When the skies opened up outside, she was switching her white sheets from the washer to the dryer. She watched the rain pour down in it's own sheets out the window and shut the dryer door. Walking to the clear glass door, she pressed her nose against it and stared outside. Still so very dazed.

Finally, she slid her hand down to the doorknob and pushed open the door. The minute she stepped outside and out from under the canopy, she was soaked. She just kept walking, into the middle of the lawn

She stood in the rain, letting it pelt onto her head and drench her clothes in a matter of minutes. She stood there like maybe the sweet-smelling water would wash away the pleasant burns she could still feel in her skin and the deserved but hardly felt shame. The water was running down her neck, rivulets streaming under her tank top only to dampen her stomach; her sweatpants were sticking to her wetly, her feet squishing on the sopping grass. It was pitch black and it seemed as if the furious storm was trying to wash away everything created by the calm weather. She was something beyond drenched.

She hadn't bothered to turn on the porch light, not because she had ignored it, but because she didn't even think about it. Now she did, because someone had flicked it on behind her, sending her dramatic shadow splashing against the muddy grass. The water droplets were illuminated for the few moments they fell, as if recieving their fifteen seconds of fame in the startling white light. Ashley, arms folded across her chest, her wild serenity interrupted, turned toward the deck.

A blonde haired man stood just inside the door, the lights behind him and before him showing him perfectly. He had broad shoulders and khaki pants, a confident stance and blue eyes Ashley couldn't see but knew were there. He grinned, flashing white teeth and adorable dimples. Ashley, standing wet and tainted, still being pounded by relentless raindrops, felt so far from him in that moment. She hugged her arms to her even closer and tried to push away the tears that had been mixing with fresh rain moments ago. Her strongest instinct was to turn and sprint. Away. She wanted to tear through those bushes behind her and not stop running until she was sure that he had forgotten about her.

"Hey." He said, dropping the word laden with amusement and love and tenderness. Ashley felt her heart pull a little and her feet echo the feeling, though with an opposite idea. They wanted to turn and sprint, but her heart didn't want to hurt anyone anymore, especially not him. Especially not the people, few as they were, who loved her. She was shivering now, the cold and the hurt getting to her more than she could admit, even to herself. He stepped forward, still out of the rain, and offered her a fresh white towel, steadily clenched in his hand. She felt her heart ache.

"Paul." Ashley breathed.


	11. all over you

_another spill canvas song...they always seem to fit. enjoy!_

**Chapter Eleven : all over you**

Spencer was supposed to meet Ashley for lunch on Wednesday, with Kyla and Madison and some guy named Brad, but Wednesday was the day after Tuesday, and Tuesday was the day of the morning when she had lost her mind. And because she was prone to losing her mind when Ashley was around, she was pretty sure she was going to skip the lunch and maybe all the lunches afterward and maybe even skip out of this city. She knew that sometimes it was easier to speak with your body and just ignore the words, but it never worked out well. It ended up with Spencer locked in the bathroom, standing under the shower until all her skin was prune-y and she couldn't feel Aiden's hands on her. She had given up on trying to forget Ashley's hands because they were softer and seemed to burn deeper though they stroked so much lighter.

She didn't think she'd ever felt quite that pleasantly filthy.

But when she finally stepped out of the shower she found herself sliding into a skirt and lacy top, snatching her purse from the bed and revving the engine in her mother's new car. Her mind was back in the shower, but when she was in the shower her mind had been back in the car ride home, and when she was in the car ride home her mind had been back in Ashle's bedroom under sweaty sheets; so her mind was still back in Ashley's bedroom and she could still feel those soft sheets. When she pulled up to the resturaunt her mind was still there so when Ashley stepped out of the car in front of her, Spencer felt a blush creeping up her cheeks.

She slid in behind Ashley and took the piece of paper the valet offered, then followed the girl inside.

"Hey, Ashley." She called after her, still feeling that blush, though her mind was coming back to the now and out of the bedroom. She was just a girl falling hopelessly and pointlessly, and probably painfully. When Ashley saw her she smiled and Spencer could see the nervousness in it. The brunette stopped where she was and started back to Spencer like she couldn't help but come nearer.

"Hey Spencer. How are you doing?" There were countless levels to that question, but Spencer just answered the first thing that came to her mind.

"Ok. I'm doing ok. Kind of out of it." She smiled softly. Ashley still relaxed her and made her feel like she could tell her truths, though maybe she should stop letting the other girl in so easily. "What about you?" Ashley, her eyes connecting with Spencer's for the first time, smiled softly. She smiled with her mouth and her eyes and it made Spencer warmer than it should have.

"I'm doing ok, too." That was when the blonde-haired, deeply tan, energized guy came up beside her and wrapped his arm oh-so casually around her shoulders. Something inside Ashley tightened and she mentally took a deep breath because this lunch was going to be painful. "This is Paul."

The introduction wasn't really needed because the second Spencer saw that casual arm she knew who the guy was. He was all smiles and confidence, all fake and salesman, and he looked like he would have bought that rock that Ashley slid onto her finger every morning. The one she had discarded so quickly to the floor the morning before, like it was nothing but a burden. But Spencer tried not to read into actions so instinctive as that. Instead, she plastered one of her Paula smiles onto her face and stretched out her hand.

"Hi Paul, I'm Spencer." She grinned and shook his hand. She felt like she should say something like 'your wife has told me so much about you'; or 'it's so good to finally meet you', but neither of those was anywhere near the truth so Spencer just smiled and shook. "It's nice to meet you." She finally lied, because an awkward silence was bearing down on them.

"You too." Paul returned, and stepped back. "Ashley's told me so much about you." He glanced over at his fiancee and Spencer could see pride and love and other things that Ashley should have echoed; but the girl only looked nervous and tired. Spencer felt wiry arms wrap around her shoulders and a cheek press into her own.

"Hey Spence." Kyla grinned into the blonde's face. They were becoming friends quickly, through phone calls and- though Spencer didn't really know it and Kyla did- the fact that Kyla's sister was infatuated with Spencer.

"Hey Ky." Spencer grinned back, honestly happy to see her, if only because she broke up the awkward tension just she and Ashley could feel.

"I see you've met Paul." Kyla commented, untangling herself from around Spencer and sparing the guy a quick glance. She just wished Ashley would have found someone more interesting to "build a life" with. "Waddup." Kyla said boredly, bumping the guy's fist as she brushed past him, pulling Spencer with her. She didn't have much like for the overly entergetic, stuck up man, but if Ashley was supposedly going to spend the rest of her natural life with him than Kyla had to at least pretend.

She wasn't too good with pretending.

They made their way over to their usual table, Spencer and Kyla sliding into one side, Paul and Ashley on the other. Paul across from Spencer, their eyes meeting breifly and awkwardly; Kyla from Ashley, the younger girl studying her half-sister's emotionless face. Brad and Madison would make it there eventually. Their usual waiter, Lochlan or something, sashayed up. He slid a menu before each of them and cocked an arrogant eyebrow their way.

"Drink?" He emphasized. Spencer figured the resturaunt only kept him there to liven up the place, because honestly the guy was hilarious. She grinned into her menu and ordered a water. At least he distracted.

"Water." Ashley echoed. Lochlan- Spencer had decided that was his name -took one look at Kyla and grinned.

"Oooh, daquiri girl. You're getting a daquiri, correct me if I am wrong." Kyla raised her eyebrows and grinnned.

"I am getting a strawberry daquriri, Loch. Never too early for the good stuff."

"Amen hon. And you?" He shot Paul a look.

"Water." Paul answered, face buried in the menu. Lochlan's eyes hesitated on him for moment, but he left a millisecond later. When he was gone, Spencer turned to Kyla and grinned.

"I love him." She laughed. Kyla nodded in agreement, still grinning. Paul looked up from his menu, frowning.

"But he's gay." The man said quietly, dead serious. Spencer frowned back.

"So?" She asked, uncertain as to what he was implying. Paul raised his eyebrows and glanced toward the flamboyant man.

"So, that's not normal." Paul reiterated. A sort of tension seeped across the table, one that even Paul could feel.

"Wait..." Spencer shot her eyes over to Ashley, who just stared down into her menu. Did he not know that Ashley was...well, living on the rainbow side of life in her off hours? A quick hand from Kyla, placed firmly on Spencer's leg, warded her off the subject.

"How was the trip Paul?" Kyla asked, pretending to look through her menu while pretending to actually care. Ashley was the only one- except for maybe Madison and increasingly Spencer- she would pretend for, would lie and fake for. Kyla wasn't really one for deceptions.

"Oh well, we landed in Tokyo at about twelve-no, it was near one actually, we hit a couple storms over..." Paul started one of his infamous travel stories, always filled with unimportant details and always interesting to only him. He got wrapped up in his own tales and tended to block everything else out.

Kyla, hand still firm on Spencer's thigh, leaned closer to the other girl.

"Paul's a major homphobe." She whispered softly in Spencer's ear, one eye on Paul who spoke quickly, hands telling as much as words. "He bascially ignores that Ashley likes girls too. She told him and he acted like he didn't even hear." Spencer looked up and studied Ashley's face, still focused on the menu balanced between her hands. The brunette glanced up, feeling Spencer's curious, worried eyes. She saw Kyla leaning over, Spencer's sympathy, and looked back down. "Paul's a good guy, really. Not really my type-or Ashl- well, he wouldn't hurt her. It's just his family is major religious and so is he."

Kyla pulled back, looking across at her sister. Ashley looked up and sent her a glare.

"What?" Kyla mouthed. Ashley's glare faltered a little, her eyes flicking over to Spencer who was pretending to study the menu.

"Nothing." Ashley said softly. Paul paused his lengthy tale.

"What hon?" He asked, hands paused midair. Ashley looked over and shook her head.

"Nothing. Keep going, what were you saying about that resturaunt?" Paul grinned, eyes off in space and in his memories. There wasn't much room left for Ashley after all those memories and all those people, but he gave all that was left to her. She should be thankful, she thought.

"Well, the hostess..."

IOIOIOI

Kyla was on her third daquiri- because she always drank when Paul was around (it made him more bearable)- and Spencer was starting her first when Madison and Brad showed up. Madison's hair was kind of mussed and Brad's shirt was wrinkled. Kyla smirked knowingly but didn't say anything.

"Hey girls." Madison grinned, even at Spencer because she had _really_ good afterglows after Brad. She slid down next to the blonde and Brad took his spot by Paul, giving the guy a manly head nod. Paul nodded back but Brad was too much like Kyla and Madison- too easy going and easily fed up with bullshit -to make friends with a glorified salesman. In reality, Paul had come out losing to everybody, except, apparently, Ashley and they had all given her shit for it.

She ignored them.

Paul was someone she understood- she could predict him and what he would do -and he made her feel comfortable. They had gone to high school together, albeit running in completley different circles, so when he popped back in L.A., ordering a drink at a bar she was sitting at, she had smiled and nodded. Smiles and nods had led to dates and beds, which shifted into a relationship and, eventually, gave way to a ring. Ashley had affection, if not love; and understanding, if not adoration. She could see a future for them, a ten year future with cars and houses and business trips and fancy parties. Besides, the farthest she ever looked was ten years and only when forced, so the fact that Paul could make her do that must have meant something.

Though it could have meant she was just getting desperate.

Just getting bored and tired and exhausted with her bad girl image (though her actions with Spencer were proving that it was much more than just an image), and she was desperate for some relaxation, some secure promises, and Paul was throwing them at her like he had hundreds. So she took them, and the man they came with, and had become resigned to marrying him and enjoying some of that comfortable safety, if only for a few years. She hadn't set out looking to do it, but somehow in a twirl of confusing, selfish actions, she had ended up here, in this resturaunt with her best friends, her finacee, an ex-boyfriend, and a lover.

It was all a bit much.

She was being selfish and she knew it. She was breaking two hearts- not even counting her's- and she knew it.

She was fucking everything up again.

She knew it.

"What took you so long?" Kyla smirked in Madison's direction, a teasing eyebrow cocked. Across the table, Brad sipped his water and smirked as well, pretending to ignore the conversation.

"Car troubles." MAdison lied blantantly, and only because she knew everyone knew the truth. She grinned coyly and glanced over at Brad. She did love attention. "You know how Brad's Mercedes breaks down all the time." Brad nodded in agreement, drawing his brows together in faked aggravation.

"They should make better cars, those Mercedes people. It's pathetic, really." He said. Kyla rolled her eyes and smiled, sipping at her daquiri. She glanced over at Ashley, who was staring off into space, running a finger over the top of her water glass.

"Why so quiet Ash?" Madison beat her to it, looking over at the brunette who seemed wrapped in thoughts. Ashley glanced over quickly, meeting the Latina's eyes and shaking her head, as if that would free her from contradicting thoughts.

"Nothing." She smiled quickly, a little dazed by daydreams, and tried not to look into Spencer's blue eyes- that were currently trained on her face. "Just a little tired."

"Yeah, me too." Paul said quietly and smirked suggestively into his glass. Silence reined over the table. Kyla and Brad were a little unsure of how to react to that; Spencer and Madison were two kinds of jealous- one from experience and one from want- and Ashley felt only shame. Lochlan appeared at their table again, having noticed the arrival of Brad and Madison.

"So, what would you like to eat?" Lochlan asked, arms crossed. Spencer stood suddenly, placing her napkin on the table and turning to Madison.

"Could I get out please?" Spencer asked, and Madison quickly stood to let the blonde go- anywhere away from Ashley. "Um, I'll have a Ceasar salad please." Spencer told Lochlan, smiling shortly. "I'll be right back." She muttered to the table, and went the way of the bathroom. Ashley was quick to follow.

"I've got to go to the car." Ashley said, waiting for Paul and Brad to move and let her out. She slid out of the booth and headed the opposite direction of Spencer. Once the two were gone, Paul was left with Madison, Kyla, and Brad, which was scary for anyone but kind of terrifying in his case.

"So, Paul, what were you saying about last night?" Brad asked, sitting back down and crossing his arms, head turned toward Paul. Paul could almost feel his eyes boring into his skull.

"Uh.."

IOIOIOI

Spencer locked the bathroom door behind her and hoped that no one really needed to go. She placed her hands on the counter and hung her head. She should have listened to the sane part of her brain- as small as it was -and not have come today. It was kind of surprising how angry she got at seeing Paul and Ashley together. How her vision turned a crazy mix of red and green and she just wanted to shoot the guy. But at the same time she blamed Ashley. And herself. And hell, while she was at it, she might as well blame her mom for making her go to that stupid party and Christine for leaving them in the resturaunt by themselves that day, and anyone else who happened to cross paths with the two girls.

She sighed.

Her phone buzzed angrily in her pocket and she opened without looking at the caller ID. She had heard Ashley get out behind her and for a moment had feared the girl would try to follow her into the bathroom and god knows where that would lead. Well, Spencer knew, but she tried to tell herself that it wasn't something she wanted to happen.

"Hello?" She asked.

"Hey." Ashley answered, and Spencer could hear the rumble of cars in the parking lot.

"Hey." Spencer answered tiredly. "You know, you could have told me that he was-"

"-I didn't think you'd be coming and I didn't-"

"-well maybe you should have asked-"

"-are you ok with everything that- no that's a stupid question, of course you're not ok- unless you are, and then-"

"-Ashley, I'm not ok, I'm really not, not after him and you-"

"-I'm not either Spencer, I don't want...I don't want this." There was a pause and Spencer pushed open one of the stalls and sat down on a close toilet. She closed her eyes, but the tears sparked in them anyway and she wasn't sure why she was crying over a girl she had known for a week.

"Us? You don't want us? 'Cos there's not really an us, Ash." Spencer said tiredly. She was tired of telling herself that and now she had to remind Ashley?

"No, not us. I don't want...him. I haven't ever really, but now there's something.." Ashley trailed off again.

"What's the something?" Spencer asked softly, daring Ashley to admit what was running through both of their minds. Daring her to speak words that Spencer didn't deserve in the least bit.

"I just...meet me tonight?" Ashley asked weakly.

"To do what Ashley? Fuck each other until we forget everything that's sitting over at that table right now? I can't do that. I'm not..." Spencer trailed off, because apparently she was that person. She was doing those things. And it wasn't her place to yell at Ashley for speaking exactly what she had been thinking, no matter how wrong it felt when uttered aloud. "I'm sorry, I'm just...tired." Spencer sighed, rubbing her forehead with her free hand.

"Yeah." Ashley agreed quietly.

"The park? At three?" Spencer asked.

"Ok." Ashley said. Spencer clicked the phone shut. She placed it on the floor and then put her head in her hands. She tried not to cry or break down or do whatever her body was telling her it wanted to, because she knew it wouldn't be pretty. She knew the signs of it would linger on her face. And it hurt too much to admit that hurt to anyone else, whether with words or her body or red eyes.

After hiding out for a few minutes, she finally recovered the nerve to return to the table. She tucked her phone into her skirt again and stepped out of the bathroom. Across the resturaunt, Brad and Madison were staring down Paul, and Kyla was watching, amusement on her face. Spencer walked over and slid in beside Madison without a word.

She still beat Ashley.

When the brunette appeared a few minutes later, she had the signs that Spencer had tried so hard to avoid. The kind of red eyes and the slightly smeared mascara; the pain in her eyes. Ashley sat down next to Brad and Paul passed her her drink, which she downed quickly. Spencer studied the older girl, her heart hurting because Ashley was, her mind disregarding her own hurt, because Ashley had been crying, and there in that crowded resturaunt, Spencer had to accept that she was falling in love.

IOIOIOI

Madison hadn't expected this at all.

When she walked into that crowded resturaunt, realizing somewhere between the valet and the hostess that she had left her panties in Brad's Mercedes, she had expected sexual tension you could cut with a knife. She had expected lingering gazes she would have to interrupt and slight touches she might comment on. She expected all the signs of a growing illict romance, the signs that everyone but Paul would clearly see.

She hadn't expected the morning after awkwardness.

If she knew these things- and man, did she know these illict affairs -it took more than a week to get them on their feet, especially for people as seemingly monogamous as Ashley and Spencer. But here they were, not speaking or touching, and all that sexual tension had apparently been...resolved. It threw Madison more than she cared to admit, becuase if they had dove so readily in then maybe Ashley wasn't the girl Madison had thought she was. But, maybe there was something deeper going on and Madison was gonna be pissed if the latter proved true.

They were sitting across from each other now, both sipping hurridly at their drinks, which Madison thought wasn't a very good idea considering the information she had just decided. Secretive and drunk never really worked out, she knew from experience.

"So, uh, how's that wedding going?" Madison interrupted the heavy silence that had smothered the table since the girls' return. Ashley just took another sip.

"Great, it's going really well. Only two more weeks." Paul grinned from his end. He was a rather clueless guy and this lunch was just making Madison despise him more, if that was possible. She wanted Ashley to talk about it, because Madsion was insensitive and nosy like that and she wanted Ashley to feel what she was doing with Spencer. Especially since she wasn't doing it with Madison.

"Got a dress yet Ashley?" Madison asked, studying the girl's face for a reaction. Ashely's mind went to the perfect, gorgeous dress hanging in her attic at home and the kiss that had happened in it and she looked up into Madison's eyes and tried to keep those dress feelings hidden behind her words.

"Yeah. I picked one out with Spencer a few days ago." She said, refraining from meeting Spencer's eyes. The blonde- the only one at the table save Paul, which was weird, but maybe Ashley just had a thing for blondes and as soon as that thought appeared Spencer shoved it into the farthest corner of her mind because it seemed crude somehow -put her napkin in her lap and smiled softly. The smile came from true memories and not the barely remembered ones about dress picking she was about to talk about.

"Yeah, its really pretty." She added. Kyla watched the two girls shift the subject tenderly between each other, neither speaking in great detail or excitement, and she wondered if there had been more to the dress choosing or if Spencer and Ashley were just getting too close to jumping each other that everything became slightly taboo.

"Where'd you get it?" Kyla asked. Paul watched the four girls talk about the dress- the most important part of Ashley's appearance and supposedly one of the bride's favorite things -and wondered why none of them seemed overly excited or curious. He wondered at the way Spencer and Ashley had their eyes glued to the table, only moving to sip their drinks. He wondered at a lot of things, but mostly he wondered why Ashley's eyes were red and hurt after the two girls with their eyes on the table had disappeared at the same time.

Before he could say anything in that sudden, impulsive manner of his that usually led to uncomfortableness, Lochlan- the waiter -slid in from the side and tossed a few plates toward their respective diners. A roasted duck landed before him and he was momentarily distracted, and Kyla changed the subject to Ashley's bridesmaids.

"How many do you have?" Kyla asked, picking up her knife to cut up her chicken. She looked up to study Ashley's face.

"Just you and Madison." Ashley was grateful for the subject change, considering the dress drama.

"Hey, why don't you make Spencer one?" Madison suggested. It was kind of presumptuous, but Ashley had been thinking of doing it...before. She looked up to meet Spencer's eyes.

"You want to?" She tilted her adorably and smiled, the red fading from her eyes as well the hopelessness that came with it. Spencer smiled, and it wasn't forced because whenever Ashley looked at her like that she couldn't help but smile right back.

"Yeah sure." She agreed, letting herself get wrapped in Ashley's warm brown.

"Settled then." Kyla said. "There's a dress fitting Friday, we'll come pick you up." Kyla said, but in her mind she was already coming up with ways to get the truth out of Spencer about her and Ashley. She would have her for hours- she would be able to break her.

"Cool." Spencer smiled Kyla's way, then turned her eyes to Ashley. The locked gaze for a second, then glanced down before anyone could notice.

It was gonna be a long lunch.

IOIOIOI

When Ashley finally appeared, she was seven minutes late and she was kind of out of breath. Her hair was pulled up and she didn't have any makeup on, but that didn't matter because she was gorgeous no matter what. And maybe that was just Spencer's point of view, but right now that was the only view that mattered to her. They met on the same bench they had the day before and when Ashley jogged up, Spencer stood up to meet her. They looked at each for a second and then Spencer leaned forward and kissed her, softer than maybe she should have. Ashley wrapped her hands around Spencer's neck and walked her back and Spencer sat down and Ashley climbed onto the bench on top of her.

They just kept kissing, even though they knew they shouldn't, because they weren't really sure they could do anything else.

"Is this what you meant by 'fuck each other until we forget everything'?" Ashley muttered, as Spencer's mouth explored her collar bone.

"Mmhmm." Spencer agreed into Ashley' skin, her hands on Ashley's sweatpants covered thighs. She could feel Ashley's leg muscles flex beneath her fingertips as the girl moved closer to her mouth and her hot center pressed into Spencer's stomach.

"You know we shouldn't." Ashley muttered, hands tangled in Spencer's hair, feeling Spencer's warm body beneath her's. Spencer was breathing fast against Ashley's bare neck, her slender fingers tugging at the hem of Ashley's t-shirt.

"So they say." Spencer agreed, pulling away a little to drag Ashley's shirt over the brunette's head. She dropped it behind them.

"C'mere." Ashley pulled back and stood up, tugging Spencer with her and led her backwards behind the bench, to the soft grass growing there. She pulled Spencer down to the ground with her and rolled on top, going back to exploring her mouth, Spencer moving beneath her on the grass. Ashley slid a leg between Spencer's and felt the girl push up against it, a moan moving through her body in a pleasant hum. Ashley smiled and moved down Spencer's neck, nipping at the skin of her jaw.

"Hey!" A sudden light was flashed over them and blaring words blasted toward them. Ashley looked up, squinting in the bright glare, out of breath and missing a shirt. Body begging for release. The light shook a little. "Uh..." The man was at a loss for words. Ashley quickly stood up off Spencer and helped the girl up, moving out of the flashlight.

"Sorry." Ashley smiled quickly, searching for her shirt, hand still wrapped around Spencer. Neither were sure what was going to happen.

"Here." The security guard, in his late forties, eyes wide, held Ashley's t-shirt out to her, but he was obviously still a little distracted. Ashley slid it over her head hurridly.

"Thanks." She smiled, then pulled Spencer away with her. They hurried down the cement path, hoping he wouldn't follow or indict or anything. They reached the bathrooms and Spencer pulled Ashley behind them.

"Oh my god." She stifled a laugh, leaning her head into Ashley's shoulder. Ashley laughed, wrapping her arms arounf Spencer's waist. They laughed for a full three minutes, at the guy's face and Ashley's search for her shirt.

"Well.." Ashley trailed off, wiping a tear from her eye. Spencer smirked.

"Well." She pulled the brunette closer and kissed her again.

"Well." Ashley muttered into her mouth.

IOIOIOI

They were at Starbucks at five in the morning, sipping hot coffee and munching on a shared blueberry muffin. The sun hadn't come out yet, skies still grey and light blue, and the coffee shop was deserted except for Spencer and Ashley and an old guy with a full beard who had served them their coffee. They were acting like a couple, feeding each other bits of blueberry, because they could, here in the anoymity of a new morning. Huddled on a soft leather couch, legs intwined and hands on faces, they crossed numerous lines and didn't bother to distinguish what they were.

To see them, you wouldn't think they would be talking about Ashley's marriage to another man.

"So where's the honeymoon?" Spencer asked, though the words sliced into an open wound that she and Ashley just kept prodding. It was painful, so damn painful, but neither could stop discussing everything that was holding them at an arm's length. Or, not, considering their current entwined position.

"Cancun." Ashley answered. Spencer smirked.

"Cliche much?" She teased and Ashley smiled back and leaned over to kiss her.

"You taste like coffee." Spencer whispered into the inch of space between them.

"You taste like blueberries." Ashley pulled back another inch. "And yeah, cliche. But warm!" Spencer laughed and tore off another piece of blueberry muffin, sticking it in her mouth.

"You'll get an amazing tan." She said. Ashley's phone buzzed from her pocket and she shifted a bit, reaching for it.

"Sorry." She sent Spencer an apolegetic look. "Hello?" She asked, pulling the phone up to her ear.

"Ashley. Where are you?" Paul's voice, gravelly with sleep, rumbled through the phone, sounding lost and curious.

"Uh, jog." Ashley lied quickly. "Why are you up so early?" She started to pull her legs out from between Spencer's. The blonde girl shifted as well, finishing off the blueberry muffin and downing the last of coffee. "I'll be home in ten minutes." She promised.

"Alright. Just wondering. Love you."

"You too." Ashley said, clicking the phone shut and pushing it back into her pocket. "Paul." She spoke the name though it wasn't needed. "I have to go." Spencer nodded as they stood up.

"I should probably to go bed anyway." She smiled tiredly. Ashley smiled back, moving forward to wrap her arms around Spencer's waist, becuase the blonde looked adorable when she smiled like that, like everything was perfectly ok. She leaned forward and kissed the taste of blueberries out of Spencer's mouth.

"I'll see you tomorrow at dinner? So you can tell me how Kyla interrogated you." Ashley smiled, kissing Spencer again, slow and lazy and warm.

"Yep." Spencer leaned in once more to kiss Ashley. Then, the brunette pulled back and, with a last smile, warm and inviting and pefectly ok, she turned and left the shop. And Spencer, not for the first time nor for the last she knew without a doubt, was left with just her thoughts.


	12. when you were mine

_sorry 'bout the wait. i've been completley uninspired for the past couple weeks, which is really weird, but i think soccer is draining all my energy. anyway, i sat down and started writing today, so here's your update. thanks to everyone who reviewed, bumped, and read. : )_

**Chapter Twelve : when you were mine**

Paul had forgotten how to be insecure a long time ago. His father hadn't been insecure, at least not when Paul could see it, and Paul wanted to be exactly like his father so he wasn't insecure. His mother _had_ been insecure, especially around his father, and Paul had learned first hand that worrying and questioning what had been given so freely only led to losing it; so Paul wasn't insecure. At first it had been a concious desicion to not worry, to not question and not fret, but soon it became a lifestyle. Soon, that was who he was.

So, when Ashley blew off their dinner to see a movie with Spencer and when he woke up twice to find her missing from the bed they shared, he wasn't insecure about it. He didn't worry or fret, because the brunette girl was wearing his ring and he took people at face value. That was his problem, really, that he took everything for what it claimed to be. He took Ashley's kisses and her words and he took his shiny, perfect world because that's what everyone said it would be. Perfect.

But sometimes, if you don't question and you don't prod, things slip away.

Most times, taking something at face value only proves ignorance.

IOIOIOI

Madison, one hand on the wheel, speed-dialed Ashley's number with the other. She was flying through L.A. streets like she always did and blaring M.I.A. out her windows. It was gorgeous, she was pissed, and there was nothing remotely odd about it. She took a left turn especially hard and felt her wheels hop off the ground. She went a little faster.

The phone rang three times, four, and then skipped to voice mail. She sighed and rolled her eyes as Ashley's familiar voice mail came on. Familair because the brunette never answered her calls.

"Hey, I'm Ashley Davies and you're leaving me a message. So do it." The phone beeped and Madison slowed down a little.

"Call me back Ashley. I gotta tell you something." She clicked the phone shut and tossed it in the passenger seat. Squealing to a stop in front of an apartment building, she tapped her foot against the floorboard impatiently. A few seconds later, the passenger door opened and a young guy with spiky brown hair dropped in. Madison was off and going before he even shut the door.

"Shit Mad! I'm almost fucking lost my foot!" Justin said, slamming the door shut as they peeled down the street. "What's your probem today?" He looked over, frowning and half-expecting her to tell him that she had hit too many red lights or something else that Madison would find inanely anoying.

"Spencer might not be staying for the wedding. Which throws a big hole in our seduction plan." Madison said through clenched teeth. She had just discovered this ten minutes ago, which explained her current state of half-shock, half-fury. She was an emotion-to-emotion girl and she felt something strongly at all times, and usually just that specific emotion. It was a flaw, and a strength, and Justin wasn't phased by it anymore.

"Where's she going?" Justin asked, settling into the seat.

"Home." Madison grumbled, taking a turn unaturally fast. Justin was majorly reconsidering his desicion to meet Madison for lunch, seeing as it could possibly be the last desicion he would ever make if Madison kept driving the way she was.

"Fuck Mad, slow down!" Justin, one hand clutching the door and half-ready to dive out at the next red light- that was if she decided to actually stop for it and not just fly by like the past three- sent a glare the girl's way.

"No." Madison said simply. "Not until we figure out how to fucking fix this."

"Well, both of us dying might help the whole sexual tension thing you've got going for Ashley, but overall it won't be fun." Justin said, eyes fixed on Madison's face so that when she turned he could send her the most threatening look he posessed. She didn't turn. Instead, she squealed to a stop in front of a McDonald's. "McDonald's?" Justin questioned, forgetting about his near death and going on to most recent subject. He was a guy, what did you expect? More accurately, he was Justin, what did you expect?

"I can't be seen in public with you." Madison said, stepping out and adjusting the sunglasses on her nose.

"Aren't you afraid of, like, mad cow disease or calories or something?" Justin asked, following the brown-haired girl inside the plastic red and yellow building. "And, by the way, McDonald's is public." He added. Madison whirled around, something snapping.

"Justin! Just shut the fuck up! Shut. Up." She said, tearing her sunglasses off her face. "God, will you just stop? You're so annoying." She said, brown eyes dangerously close to fury. Justin took a hesitant step back.

"Geez, sorry Mads. Fuck man, you're losing it." Justin said, eyebrows furrowed. He had stopped caring about Ashley a long time- well, actually about three days ago, in leiu of his new attraction to Madison Duarte. She was gorgeous, he had re-discovered, and, if he rememberly correctly, absolutely fantastic in bed. Who cared if she had the hots for Ashley at the moment? She had wanted him at one point, why couldn't they repeat that?

"Yeah, I am." Madison said quietly, and turned, some of her desperation gone. Flipping out and cussing at Justin always helped improve her mood. The guy was unbeliavably annoying and she didn't understand why Ashley had ever dated him, though she was thankful because he was really coming handy. She also couldn't understand why she had ever slept with him, except maybe for the fact he was utterly gorgeous. And smooth, too, when he wanted to be. And Madison needed him to turn that smoothness on for one Spencer Carlin. "Anyway, sorry." She said flippinantly, turning around. Two little kids, huddled at a booth to their right looked up at them with wide eyes. Madison flashed them a smile. Their eyes got even bigger.

"You buying?" Justin asked, trailing a step behind her.

"Depends. How hungry are you?"

IOIOIOI

Spencer squinted a little under the bright flourescent lights, the hard tiles clicking under her shoes. She reached into her pocket, pulled out her phone, and flicked through her missed calls. At the top of the list was the name _Melissa_, Spencer's best friend at college, who she hadn't spoken to since she had arrived in L.A. Spencer felt kind of bad about it, so when her phone had buzzed and she had glanced down to see the name- only to hit ignore -it bugged at her for a few minutes.

So, she escaped to the bathroom- though escape wasn't really the word -and pressed call. Scratching at her ear, she leaned back against the white sinks and listened to the phone ring. The bright lights were still hurting her eyes, but she was quickly getting used to it. They had been in the theater for close to three hours now and Spencer, despite constant reminders of the real world right outside the doors, was content to stay.

Melissa answered on the third ring, her voice clear and familiar, and it reminded Spencer- with the briefest clarity- that she had an entire world waiting in the wings. So out of sight from where she lingered in Ashley's arms, but steady and waiting; normal and everything she had wanted for long.

"Hey." Spencer answered, crossing her ankles and smiling. "What's up?"

"Nothing! I haven't talked to you in forever Spence! When are you coming home?" The bustle of life at home- because that was her home though she seemed to have forgotten it -murmured in the background. Spencer bit her lip.

"I don't know, I've still got a week of break left." She said, trying to come up with a reason for her prolonged stay, and also for the sudden rush of homesickness she could feel creeping in her gut. Trying to mesh her two worlds, the one with the girl waiting for her in the dark theater and the one with her best friend's clear voice amidst soft home noises. Trying to figure out why they had seperated in the first place.

"Yeah, but I don't know how you're putting up with Paula." Melissa said, and she had a point. _By staying out all night and sleeping most days. _Spencer thought.

"Avoiding her." Spencer chuckled, knowing it was the truth. Hearing Melissa's voice made her happy and that made her confused and that made her annoyed. But neither of those emotions overcame her simple calm at hearing her best friend's voice. "What's up with you? How's Kevin?"

"He's great, we're great." Melissa chuckled. "But we need you back so we can laugh at how drunk you get." The clatter of dishes echoed through the phone and Spencer could almost smell Melissa's trademark stew, wafting through their apartment and promising to make her very full. Spencer laughed.

"Yeah, well, you always get me home so I have no reason to stay sober." Melissa laughed at that.

"Well, come home. Now."

"7 more days, Liss. I'm sure you can survive." It felt wrong, to be telling her best friend to wait under the guise of visiting her mother, because she would have never done it five days ago. But now, with Ashley and her ring, and short days and long nights, she found herself lying through her teeth to the one person she'd never felt the need to decieve. She felt tricked herself, as if she had slipped into this odd half-reality. She felt wrong, and she knew she was; she felt confused, and she wished she wasn't.

"I'll try." Melissa sighed, and the noise of dinner being prepared stopped for a second, a heavy silence taking its place. "Are you ok Spencer?" Melissa asked, with all that best friend intuition seeping through her words, through the phone, and straight into Spencer's heart.

"Yeah." Spencer said, and it sounded weak and decietful to her own ears, though she told herself every morning that she was ok, that she wasn't just lying to herself. She told herself things she knew weren't true, made herself believe in half-lies and now she was spreading them, handing them out to her _best friend_.

Something wasn't right. But she didn't know how it had gotten that way. She was just Spencer Carlin, young and sweet and nice and fun to get drunk with on Saturday night. She was just Spencer and she fell in love with young, sweet girls who smiled just as naively as she did, and Spencer Carlin wasn't supposed to fall for dark-haired girl with wedding rings- wasn't supposed to meet them in dimmed theaters while their fiancee ate dinner alone.

Something was spiraling out of control, but she was right in the middle of it.

"Hey, I gotta go." Spencer said abruptly, cutting their conversation to an end. She tried to sound tired or distracted or something of a good reason to leave. "I'll call you in a couple days?"

"Make that tommorrow. And take care of yourself." Melissa didn't bother to hide or concern or confusion, it lay there open and easily hurt Spencer. Easily clarified the half-lies she told herself, the ones she was still spreading.

"Alright. Bye." Spencer stood up off the bathroom counter and straightened her shirt.

"Bye." Melissa returned, and Spencer clicked the phone shut. She turned to face herself in the mirror, in the overly bright lights of the bathroom- so bright they were almost dim to her fuzzy eyes. She looked tired and hurt, and maybe breaking. Maybe tearing. But mostly, she looked exhausted. She sighed and put the phone in her purse, pulling out a stick of gum to chew on. Ashley would probably steal it in a few minutes.

She took the few steps to the heavy metal door and made another desicion in a long line of wrong ones.

Of course, being wrong always depended on the person you asked.

IOIOIOI

Ashley was sitting in the pitch black, empty theater, munching through a bag of Rasinets and watching whatever horrible romantic comedy they had bothered to buy tickets to. The theater had become their "spot", the place they would go to escape the world and... well, everyone. Everything. Except of course, Angelina Jolie and James Marsden- Ashley could make exceptions. She glanced away the screen when she saw a familiar head bob into view from around the barrier. Spencer, brushing a strand of hair away from her face, started up the stairs, head tilted down and obviously lost in thought. Ashley lobbed a Rasinet her way. It glanced off the blonde's shoulder and she looked up quickly to see Ashley smirking her way.

Ashley figured they had enough to weigh them down all the time, with regrets and second-guessing and secrets, that maybe they should actually enjoy the sin while they were doing it. And she did enjoy it, more than anything else in her entire world. Maybe that's why the only thing weighing her down was the secrets- the lies and the hurts, because she honestly couldn't bring herself to regret kissing Spencer, or holding her and touching her.

She couldn't regret loving Spencer.

Ashley popped another Rasinet in her mouth and watched as Spencer made her way up the stairs with that ever-present grace that Ashley found so appealing. The girl sat down next to the brunette and slid her finger into the bag to steal a Rasinet. She put it in her mouth and sent a little smile Ashley's way.

"Kyla called." Ashley said quietly in her husky voice, as Spencer pushed up the armrest between them and nestled into Ashley's arms.

"Yeah? What'd she say?" Spencer said, staring at Ashley's bare collarbone and the way it subtly moved with the older girl breathed. She licked her lips, tasted the chocolate, and briefly wondered if Ashley would taste like chocolate. She resolved to find out in a few minutes.

"She wants to meet us at a club at ten." Ashley said, breathing in Spencer's shampoo and perfume and that bare hint of something just Spencer. It was odd, she thought, the way some people smelled so intoxicating. There was a difference, she decided, between smelling good and smelling familair. Spencer just smelled intoxicating.

"Did you tell her yes?" Spencer asked, getting closer and closer to Ashley's bare skin. Letting her natural instincts slowly take over. She breathed low onto Ashley's neck, and felt the other girl tense beside her.

"Yeah." Ashley said. "Is that ok?" Her voice was huskier, quieter, and sounded more intimate- if that made any sense.

"Yeah." Spencer agreed, glancing away from Ashley's skin and focusing. "That's fine." Ashley, one arm, wrapped around Spencer and the other intertwined in the girl's fingers, dropped a kiss onto her head.

"Well, we've got thirty minutes." She said suggestively, and Spencer knew she was smiling that wicked smile. She sat up a little and leaned in for a kiss in that dark, empty movie theater.

She felt seventeen again.

IOIOIOI

Kyla stood in front of the club she was supposed to be meeting Ashley and Spencer at and bit at her fingernails. The girls were twenty minutes late and she was getting nervous, and worried, and she was hoping they weren't doing what she thought they probably were. She was leaning against the brick wall, tapping her heel against the cracked cement, and glancing up at the black night sky tinted by neon signs. It was getting a little cold out and she was tired of waiting. She wanted drinks and dancing and fun, because things had been too tense and laden with secrets lately.

"Kyla?" A distinctly male voice called out to her from her left. She turned quickly at the familiar voice and smiled when she saw its owner.

"Aiden?" She asked, a smile forming on her face. He grinned back and walked over to give her a hug. She wrapped her arms around the guy she had dated for almost two years and grinned into his shoulder. "Oh my god, I haven't seen you in months!" She exclaimed pulling away to run her eyes over his body. He looked good- he always had- and confident- he never stopped- but he looked tired, and that sort of threw Kyla. If anything, Aiden never stopped going- ever. "You look great!" She said, and meant it though with some hesitation.

"You look good too." Aiden said, eyes roving the same as Kyla's, and she hoped he didn't pick up on the sheen of tired that seemed to be covering her these days.

"Who are you here with?" Kyla asked, shifting his eyes over his shoulder to look for a girl. Aiden shrugged.

"I was about to leave with a few friends, but not anybody you'd know. Who are you here with?" He looked genuinely interested and he hadn't taken his eyes off her since they'd started talking.

"I'm waiting for my sister Ashley and her friend Spencer." Kyla said, and once more her eyes scanned the road around them for any sight of Ashley's shiny black car. Aiden's brow furrowed.

"Wait, Spencer Carlin?" He asked, because the girl refused to leave his mind though she broke a bit of his heart every time she left. He was a glutton for punishment when it came to the lovely blonde, but he never tried to stop himself. And this kind of coincidence? He would file it as fate when he fell asleep dreaming of blonde hair and blue eyes.

"Yeah..." Kyla smiled, confused. "How do you know her?" Aiden paused, not sure how much to admit, or to cover up.

"Spencer? I've known Spencer Carlin for years."

"He has." Spencer's voice, confident with a shade of hesitation, and smooth with a hint of cold, drifted over Kyla's shoulder.

Aiden finally took his eyes off the other girl. They didn't leave Spencer.

"Hey, Spencer." He said, smiling. He walked over to give her a hug, and grinned into her soft hair. "I guess we're hanging out tonight." He said, pulling back. Spencer tried to echo his smile.

"Yeah." She agreed. She shot a glance toward Ashley. She was wary of a touchy Aiden, a sentimental Kyla, and a jealous Ashley.

Tonight was probably going to suck.


	13. teleport a and b

**Chapter Thirteen :** **teleport a and b**

The lights were swirling and coursing and painting the room shades of silver, and black and blue, creating shadows in shadows and blurs of motion. Ashley was used to it, after years and years of clubs and parties and masses of bodies and noise and the way everything pressed around and made even the simplest room a maze of sweat and hands, a maze of movement. Actually, this felt rather tame compared to some of the places she had frequented- some of the places that had created lifelong memories and changed her with each tiny slip of innocence. But here, tonight, she felt disoriented for a reason that had nothing to do with pounding music or flashing lights- it was a girl dancing inside them, inside arms that Ashley wished were her's.

"You want anything to drink?" Kyla landed beside Ashley, slightly sweaty, beer clutched in her hand. She was smiling widely, full of life and relaxation, and a tall blonde guy hovered behind her, waiting to take her back out on the dance floor. It felt like twisted deja vu- a reminder of all the weekends Ashley had taken Kyla out and made her dance and drink and try to forget the guy who was currently wrapped around Spencer twenty feet out.

Very, very twisted deja vu.

"Nah." Ashley declined, though she wanted something to drink more than anything else. She was perched on a bar stool, surrounded on all sides by gorgeous guys and girls, and wearing a shiny engagement ring that she used as an excuse every time somone approched her. Her real excuse- her living, breathing, grinning blonde-haired beauty who wasn't really her's- was making none herself and hadn't stopped dancing in ten minutes. Ashley was jealous- yeah, a little bit -but mainly she was hurt. And trying not to be.

"Suit yourself." Kyla said easily, reading her sister's mood, and her sister's wandering eyes, and carefully backing off to let Ashley figure it out herself. Kyla was good at that- backing off, and reading people; knowing what they needed sometimes before they even knew. She may have been air-headed and light in every way, but she read emotions and body language like words off a paper.

She took a last sip of her beer and left the half-empty bottle near Ashley's elbow. Ashley sent it a quick, wistful look, but her eyes went back out to the crowd a second later. She could stare at the DJ booth, or make slow eye contact with the gorgeous brunette across the room, but Spencer always lingered right outside her line of sight. Always danced just to the left, dragging Ashley's eyes to her and sending a shoot of jealousy deep into her. She hated it, but hell, Spencer had to put up with her and Paul every single day and so Ashley tried to be like Spencer. Tried to avoid the subject, or approach it subjectively, but Spencer still danced inside those strong arms with a smile on her face and Ashley slowly, steadily broke down.

She was absentmindedly ripping at the label on Kyla's beer bottle and staring holes into the bar when another warm body found a seat beside her. She didn't even have to turn, because a familiar hand landed on her arm and a familiar voice drifted into her ear, a little breathless and a little tight, and that familiar shiver cascaded down her spine.

"Hey." Spencer said, turning in her seat to study Ashley's face with the same intensity Ashley held for the bar.

"Hey." Ashley said, glancing up to meet Spencer's wide eyes and flushed face. She smiled quickly- too quick -and turned to face the girl. "What happened to Aiden?" Her voice sounded light and easily fake. Easily disinterested. Spencer shrugged, eyes dropping away, and Ashley wished she had the same talent that Kyla did, because she wanted to know what Spencer was feeling right now. Guilty? Awkard? Excited?

Relieved?

"He went to the bathroom or something." Spencer said, shifting her leg and accidentally brushing Ashley's. "I'm sorry about..." She trailed off. She was sure she had something to apologize for, something bad because the confusion in Ashley's eyes was hurting her, but she didn't know what it was.

"No." Ashley said, voice steady and tolerable. "No, its ok." Spencer glanced away, because it wasn't. Heavy silence settled over them, sliding between and shutting both of them up. Pounding music and swirling lights became the main attraction once again and Ashley wasn't sure if that was her fault or not; wasn't sure if she was doing the right thing after all.

"Ashley!" A loud voice cut through their self-imposed quiet and brown arms wrapped around the girl. Madison, dressed in as little clothes as possible, was grinning widely. "What are you doing here girl? Shouldn't you be home with the future husband?" She was laughing, and grinning, but her accusing tone and almost harsh words completeley killed the image. She turned her gaze to Spencer, but left her arm wrapped around Ashley's shoulders.

"Hey Madison." Spencer said, smiling and genuinely happy to see the girl. She always managed to take the edge off of anything. Ashley, on the other hand, cringed under Madison's smothering arm and controlling smile. She knew the Latina a little too well and she had read between the lines for a while now- discovering barely concealed flirting and gentle smiles. It was awkward, but she was Kyla's best friend and anyway, Ashley had Paul, and before that she'd had Aaron, and before that there was Todd...and now Spencer.

So AshleyandMadison wasn't an option, but Ashley had never wanted it to be anyway. She could never get over the sight of JustinandMadison enough to be true friends with the girl.

"Hey Spencer." Madison grinned, brown eyes twinkling with the lights in a way that only she pulled off. No one else could look so at home and so in control in such a rush of clashing movement. Aiden slid in from the side, slightly sweaty with the remainder of a smile lingering on his mouth, and took his spot beside Spencer, his arm resting close to her shoulders but not quite touching. They faced off there in the crazy lights with hands on shoulders and eyes locked and the tension was so palpable that Spencer stood up abruptly.

"I'm gonna go to the bathroom." She smiled, flustered, and started in that direction, weaving through the clusters of people she'd never met while running from ones she almost wished she never had. Her hand hit the cool metal of the bathroom door and she pushed inside. The noise muffled immeadiately when the door closed behind her.

The low yellow lights relieved her spinning sight and she took a deep breath, hands braced on the small sink, eyes avoiding the mirror. Her and Ashley...she was almost wishing for the girl to erupt in some sort of jealous rage, or flip out, or demand that Spencer stop dancing with Aiden, but the girl just smiled painfully and said all the right words, the ones that Spencer uttered every day. Ashley was just doing what she should, but the problem was : everything about them wasn't as it should have been.

Spencer sighed and glanced up to see her tired eyes, the lights flickering behind her. The door clicked open, and Spencer glanced down from the mirror and the second person now reflected there. She knew who it was without looking and she turned her head back to Ashley, meeting the other girl's eyes with hurt and confusion.

"You can't be in here right now." Spencer said, voice steady but edging toward panic.

"I'm just going to the bathroom." Ashley said softly, quickly, and without even the barest hint of conviction. Spencer could see right through her. She sighed anyway.

"Fine. Go." She said. Ashley moved to go behind her toward the stall and Spencer dipped her head, squeezing her eyes shut. She just wanted to leave all of this and go back home, but she needed to stay, because she was starting to need Ashley more than she had ever needed someone. The way they were, the way they fit and meshed and came together was more natural than anything Spencer could recall.

Ashley's hand brushed her waist and without thinking or pausing to debate, Spencer turned and pressed her lips against the other girl's. Ashley responded instantly, instinctively, turning her body to press against Spencer's and sliding her hands around the girl's waist. She lifted her onto the sink as Spencer wrapped her legs around Ashley's waist. This wasn't helping anything, Ashley both knew, but she figured it wasn't hurting anything either. Spencer tasted like Corona and Ashley really liked Corona...

IOIOIOI

"Where'd Ashley and Spencer go?" Kyla, a little out of breath and flushed with happiness, slid into the seat between Aiden and Madison, after wrapping the girl in a tight hug. Madison had never really forgiven Aiden for breaking Kyla's heart and her amnosity was clearly displayed tonight. They sat a seat apart, but a wall of tension was seperating them.

"They went to the bathroom." Madison said. She was twirling back and forth in her seat lazily, scanning the crowd with boredom evident in her eyes. "This place if getting lame, let's go to Gray's." Kyla glanced over.

"Yeah, ok. I guess we'll wait for Spencer and Ashley." She leaned back in her seat and waved in the bartender's direction. She could at least get a beer while she waited.

"They've been in there forever." Aiden said, glancing down at his watch. Kyla looked over at Madison who was nodding in agreement, though her eyes were shooting daggers at Aiden.

"Yeah. I think I'll go get them." Kyla, mind racing and coming up with a hundred different scenarios, put a hand on her best friend's arm as she rose from the stool.

"Uh, I'll get them." To their left, some guy saw Aiden and came over, all grins and fist bumps. Aiden responded equally and they started a loud conversation about basketball. Madison sent Kyla a look- one of those undefinable Madison looks that say a million things- most of them bad. Most of them accusing.

"Ok." Madison agreed, frowning a little. Inside, her suspiscions were being proven, one by one. Kyla was always the first to know, to figure out secrets that Ashley thought she was so good at hiding, and Kyla was always the first to start covering for her older sister, whether Ashley asked or not. Madison had figured the Davies sisters out before they even had.

Kyla smiled quickly, easily, and started toward the crowds, a pit of nervouness building in her stomach. She didn't know what she would find in the bathroom, because long glances between the blonde and her sister had intensified over the past weeks and the way they seemed most comfortable when touching each other had troubled Kyla. She hoped she found them putting on lip gloss and laughing over Britney Spears or comparing fingernails or something completely in the friendship zone, because the second scenario was almost devestating to her sister's life. She put her hand on the cold metal door and pushed.

She found something way, way out of the friendship zone.

Bringing her hand up to her mouth to hide her gasp, her eyes widened behind it. Spencer was buttoning her jeans, standing near the sink in her bra, and glanced up when the door opened, eyes large and fearful. They only widened when they saw Kyla. Ashley was holding Spencer's shoe out to her, pantless with half of her shirt unbuttoned. Kyla was frozen.

"Oh my god." She finally said, dropping her hand from her face. "What the _fuck _Ashley?" Ashley, dropping the shoe in suprise, turned toward Kyla in a flurry of movement.

"Kyla, I-"

"Ashley, no, seriously, what the hell are you doing? Please tell me this is nothing like it looks because it looks..." Kyla almost couldn't say it, but she didn't have to because Spencer jumped in.

"Kyla, look, we just-"

"Spencer, really, just stay out of it."

"I can't. I'm in it, too."

"Kyla, just calm down a little bit."

"How long has this-_really _Spencer? _You_?"

"Kyla you have no right-"

"I have every right Ashley! You _know_ how I feel about cheating!" Kyla was still standing in the doorway, face strained and hurt. "Fuck!" Spencer was scrambling into her shirt, trying desperately to find the words to make this ok. But Kyla was doing a whole different scramble, as her speculations were being proven and yet were still so stunning. She was trying to understand and rationalize for her sister and at the same time struggling with hurt she had felt herself so many years ago. "_Fuck_ Ashley!"

"Kyla, I know you-" But Kyla had turned and left, slamming the bathroom door behind her and cutting Ashley off. It shook the room for a second and Ashley and Spencer, still half-dressed, were left utterly stunned. Slowly, Ashley pulled her jeans on, buttoned them numbly, and turned to Spencer who was strapping on heels, balanced against the sink.

"Spencer." Ashley just needed to hear her name. The girl looked up, clear blue eyes lost, and just shook her head.

"Ashley, I don't know..." She trailed off and Ashley bit her lip, done dressing. Spencer stood up straight, took her hand off the sink, and leaned back against it, sighing heavily.

"We should probably..." Ashley started, still shocked and slowed down. The fact that someone else knew about them, even though it was only Kyla, made everything so real and so heavy.

"Yeah." Spencer agreed, but her eyes were still off in space. She slowly pushed up off the sink and glanced over at Ashley, smiling tiredly. "I guess it had to happen." She said quietly.

"It did." Ashley agreed, moving toward the other girl. She pressed a kiss into her forehead. "And now we have to go face it." She pressed another kiss into Spencer's jaw and the blonde-haired girl shut her eyes tight, trying to calm down.

"Yeah." She managed. But when they walked out of the bathroom, they stood a few inches apart, carefully not touching. And when they reached the bar where Kyla and Madison stood, they didn't meet each other's eyes. And so, while everything was different, it didn't feel that way.

So really, though everything had changed, nothing had.

IOIOIOI

Kyla dragged Ashley off the second they reached each other and left Spencer with Madison, the Latina girl looking strangely dangerous in the club lights.

"Come on." She grinned, reaching her hand out for Spencer to take. "We're going to Gray's." She pulled the blonde through the crowds, keeping her close and whispering soft jokes into her ear. She giggled in the loud noise and Spencer tried to laugh back. They ended up in the parking lot, weaving through expensive convertibles and SUVs. Spencer was still totaly stunned and taken aback, but Madison didn't seem to notice.

"So, are you totally ready for the wedding or what?" The question came out of nowhere and Spencer glanced up quickly, looking for accusations or suspicions in the Latina's eyes. She found none. Why was she doubting Madison all of the sudden? Something about the glint in her dark brown orbs or the swagger in her step threw Spencer off. She shook out of it and nodded.

"Yeah. I can't wait." She forced a smile and trailed beside Madison. She paused. "Actually, I don't know if I can stay or not." She admitted. Madison frowned.

"Why not?" Spencer shrugged, avoiding Madion's eyes, and kept walking.

"My break's over in a couple days and the wedding's in six, so I don't know if I'll still be here."

"Spencer! You have to stay! You're a bridesmaid and everything!" Spencer sighed and met the girl's eyes. The look in her own and the tight smile on her face proved every single suspiscion that had been rattling around in Madison's mostly empty brain for the past week or so.

Spencer Carlin loved Ashley Davies.

"Yeah, I don't know." She glanced down at her shuffling feet. Her body still ached with the remainders of Ashley's touch and she knew the telling red marks would appear on her already pink skin in a little while.

"Who's your date?" Madison questioned, everything about her suited for a casual conversation. She had her own subtle agenda though.

"I don't have one." Spencer admitted.

"Girl." Madison grinned. "I know the perfect guy for you." Spencer met her eyes hesitantly. God, was Madison trying to set her up?

"Really?" She asked, her voice lacking enthusiasm.

"Aw, you sound so thrilled." Madison said sarcastically. "Wait, you're not, like, attached to anybody or anything are you?" Spencer paused. A short, painful, telling pause where harsh truths echoed in her head; cut through the self-denial and numbness that had been spreading through her for the past ten minutes. They reached Madison's car and, finally, Spencer shook her head.

"Nope. I'm not attatched to anyone." She said, an honest lie that hurt her worse than any simple truth.

"Alright good. Well, this guy's like 6 foot and totally gorgeous, you're gonna..." Madison's voice trailed off into the background as Spencer slid into the passenger seat, biting her lip. She didn't know how things had gotten this far or how she was supposed to fix them, but here they were. Swirling and spinning all around her, though some of them simply sat right before her, dangling in her face and taunting her with how easy they could be. Nothing had ever been this confusing before, but then again...

Spencer Carlin had never been in love before.


	14. under the covers

**Chapter Fourteen : under the covers**

Kyla slammed the door behind her, locking her and Ashley in her black SUV, and crossed her arms and stared out the window and Ashley bit her lip and drew in a shuddering breath and they both tried to calm down a little before their words started spilling out. Before they both cracked open and told every stupid truth that was settled heavy in their chests. But a minute passed and Kyla's gaze at the window started to glaze, soft, sparking tears gathering in the corners of her eyes. Ashley still bit her lip- bit it so hard it started to ache and she crossed her arms tight against her chest and wondered why Kyla wasn't chewing her out, screaming or crying or yelling or anything Kyla usually did when Ashley pulled shit like this.

Then again, nothing had ever been quite like this.

Maybe that was the whole problem.

When Kyla finally spoke, her voice was steady and calm and slipped right between the silence and direct into Ashley. It stayed steady, and calm, until the last word and then it broke, so slightly and so brokenly that Ashley had to draw a quick breath to keep from loosing her own truths. Had to focus her own eyes on the dark tinted glass and try not to let go of the same tears that streaked Kyla's face. To feel the pain that her sister was almost feeling for her.

"What are you doing Ashley?"

Ashley shut her eyes and then opened them in a split second, pushing away wayward tears of frustration and hesitation, and slanted her gaze toward Kyla. She bit her lip again. But Kyla kept going before any unsure words could leave Ashley's lips.

"I mean, do you really know what you're doing? Do you-do you know what you're doing to Paul? And Spencer? Jesus Christ Ashley, I thought you would have known better." Her voice was low and hurt and the words settled hard between them. Ashley took a deep breath.

"I love her, Kyla."

Her voice was so clear and so steady that Kyla couldn't even doubt it; because there was no hint of hesitation or teasing. There was nothing but Ashley, honest and open, and if there was one thing Kyla couldn't mistake, this was it. She stretched her hand across the seat and found Ashley's, wrapped them together. She was still mad- so fucking mad -but she loved her sister more than anything, more than she had fucking loved Aiden, the guy she had almost lost everything for.

"That doesn't change things Ashley. That doesn't make it hurt any less. Maybe, it just makes it worse."

Ashley wouldn't meet Kyla's eyes anymore, but focused her's outside the window. She knew Kyla's past, better then her own maybe, and she knew the way Kyla felt about cheating. She knew the way the girl's heart had been shattered by it. And maybe she had forgiven the boy for it, and maybe Ashley had to, but somehow that didn't make it hurt any worse. Somehow, that only made it harder.

"Kyla, I don't know-"

Kyla cut in, strong and steady and completely sure. Completely authoritive.

"Break it off Ashley. One or the other. This isn't a suggestion- I'm telling you to." Kyla forced her sister's eyes to her. "Just tell me- which one?"

"Spencer."

The answer was so immediate that Kyla's heart squeezed a little- made her wonder if Aiden had said the same thing, made the same choice and she had come out on the losing end. She wanted her sister to be happy more than anything, and she knew that this wasn't the same situation, but that didn't make the ache fade.

They paused for a second, Ashley lost in worrying and Kyla trapped in lost emotions.

"So, you're ending it with him?"

Ashley paused.

"I...Kyla, I don't kn-" Ashley's voice was starting to break, starting to display truths better than her actual words could, but Kyla halted her there.

"Ashley, I won't let you do this- I'll fucking tell him. I don't care if you're my sister, I don't care, you can't do this. You can't-"

"I don't love him Kyla." It sounded desperate, and true.

Kyla wiped away a tear hurridly- angrily -and turned accusing, confused eyes on her sister. "Then why don't you leave him, Ashley? Why are you doing this? To him, to you, to Spencer-what's..." She trailed off, because now Ashley was crying too, tiny tears that burned their way down her face. They dripped off her chin and Kyla reached out to brush one away. Ashley sniffed once, and wiped the back of her hand quickly across her eyes, looking strong even in the midst of her breaking. Even with red eyes and a dipped chin.

She looked so fucking _angry_.

"Kyla- I think." She sniffed once, mad, and disappointed and _futile_. "I think I'm.." She stuttered and hiccuped her way through choked words that were almost choking _her_. "I think- I'm pregnant."

Kyla's hand froze on her sister's face, paused in the action of touching away fresh tears and her heart ached.

"Ash." She managed. She leaned close, and Ashley rested her forehead on Kyla's shoulder. Two gasps and a shaking chest and the older girl lost it.

Just fucking lost it.

IOIOIOI

"She agreed Justin!" Madison was on the phone, gleeful and driving crazier then usual, her top down and music pumping in the muffled night, lights flashing on and off her as she sped past traffic and neighborhoods.

"Seriously Madison?"

"Yes!" Madison titled her head up and pulled the phone away, grinning into the blank navy sky. "Fuck yes!" She was tipsy- so very near drunk -and driving like the maniac some considered her to be. She was so fucking physcho and yet utterly human at the same time- every little vice amplified in all her actions. Greed, lust, sloth- whatever fit her needs.

The seven deadly sins personified.

"Like right now?"

"Yeah, I just dropped her off at her house. Kyla and Ashley bailed on us."

"Score! Does she know it's me?"

"No!" Madison rolled her eyes, too happy to be annoyed by Justin's stupidity. "Of course not doofus. She thinks its a blind date. Totally went for it; hook, line, and sinker." Madison couldn't wipe the wicked grin off her face. "Man, Ashley is gonna get it. She just goes behind Paul's back to fuck Spencer when she could have had me- I mean, you, all along." Justin didn't say anything, but Madison tried to ignore it, refusing to let anything ruin her good mood.

"Madison, are you sure this is going to work?" Madison rolled her eyes, again, and swerved off the road a little bit, chipping some fence.

"Sure? I'm fucking positive Justin." Another pause.

"Alright, well meet me for lunch tomorrow. We'll talk out the rest of the plan." Justin said.

"We don't need to Justin!" Madison sing-songed. "It's so simple!" Justin sighed over the phone, but Madison almost missed it due to the screaming sirens and rolling lights coming up on her right. She sighed and, once again, rolled her eyes.

"Look, I'll call you back tomorrow when you're not drunk." Justin sounded a little fed up, but Madison just laughed.

"I'll probably be in jail Cunningham." Madison chuckled. She was about to slow down, but suddenly had this brilliant idea that she would try to outrun them. After all, her baby could do three times what the old clunker chasing her could, so why the hell not? She snapped the phone shut, tossed it on the seat, and floored the gas.

Wicked grin still in place.

IOIOIOI

Spencer, hair messy and pajamas ruffled, eyes sleepy and stomach tossing, rolled over in her bed. It had seemed so clean and white last night, but now it felt dirty and hot and she wanted a bath and a new bed and Ashley.

The last thought forced her eyes open, to check for the brunette girl who had begun creeping in at night, curling up beside Spencer and letting her fingers fall in the blonde's hair, tangling limbs and fingers and somehow getting Spencer's heart all mixed up in the process. She always woke up better with tan arms wrapped around her stomach and a warm cheek pressed against her back.

But today, Ashley wasn't there as Spencer's hand slid the width of the bed, running over smooth, cold sheets that told her Ashley hadn't come over the night before. She sighed and closed her eyes against the offensive light, as dim as it was. She had downed too much alcohol last night and she really should watch that, considering how her mom had turned out. Wasn't that hereditary or something?

Sighing again, her fingers stretched out instinctively for her phone, which was lying haphazardly on the bedside table. She flicked it open and squinted her eyes against the bright picture of her and Ashley at the park, but couldn't hold back the tiny smile that appeared at the sight. She had missed three calls- Melissa, Mom, and Aiden -and had four new text messages- Melissa, Mom, and Aiden twice. Spencer closed the phone and tossed it on Ashley's empty side of the bed. That thought halted her for a moment, but she smiled sleepily and started to drift off.

Her phone, though, had other ideas, and it started ringing loudly from beneath the sheet, vibrating hard enough that Spencer coul feel it through the matress. She fumbled her hand across the increasingly warm sheets until her half-alseep, clumsy fingers found the smooth plastic. Dragging it across the clean expanse of white, she yawned and pushed herself up.

"Hello?" She answered, without glancing at the caller ID.

"Hey chica!" It was Madison, and at an ungodly hour of the morning, especially for a hungover Spencer.

"Hey." Spencer said, voice gravelly with sleep and the activities of last night. She stretched her back and heard it crack, then ran her hand over her eyes, body aching and tired and sore. Suddenly, the events of last night flooded her mind and her eyes flew open. _Fuck, fuck, fuck._

"So, we're going to get fitted for the bridesmaids dresses today, you want me to pick you up?" Madison was saying, but Spencer's eyes were still wide and shocked. _Kyla knew_. "Spencer?" Madison asked.

"Uh, yeah. That's fine." Spencer agreed, barely hearing the words, but managing to shake out of it for a second.

"Cool. I'll be there in a couple hours." Madison said, her voice overly cheerful and confident.

"Okay." Spencer said, and she shut the phone and laid it beside her, trying to come up with a coherent thought. Trying to rationalize and calm down, because she was going to spend half the day with Kyla trying on dresses and she _knew_. It was crazy, but only one thought stuck in her mind.

Why hadn't they locked the door?


	15. honey honey

**Chapter 15: honey honey**

Madison owned a glittering black sportscar with more horsepower than Spencer knew what to do with. She had booming speakers that rung through Spencer's hangover-addled mind and sent waves of bass down the street before them. The seats were tan leather and soft and kind of worn- broken in. It fit Madison Duarte perfectly. Spencer couldn't have felt ore out of place in the upscale car if she'd tried.

She stared at her knees. There was a tiny scratch on the left one, pink and almost healed. She thought maybe it was from Ashley. They were kind of small knees, dark tan and just a little on the knobbly side, a couple tiny off-white scars on her kneecaps that told stories of a childhood spent with Aiden Dennison and his harebrained schemes, as well as her young imagination and constant adventures. They peeked out from under dark blue Bermuda shorts and curved over the tan leather of the seat. She stretched her fingers over them and breathed quiet, trying to maintain the silence that had finally fallen between her and Madison.

She had tried backing out of the date- she had dropped subtle hints, even broached the subject twice, but either Madison was utterly clueless or she was skillfully ignoring Spencer. The girl just interrupted, brought up dresses or food or _Paul_, and Spencer shut her mouth like she hadn't ever opened it. She wasn't usually this shy or docile, but Kyla knew and she couldn't have Madison know as well- she couldn't afford accidental hints or tiny slip-ups. So instead, she kept quiet and watched the streets of L.A.- so familair and sometimes foreign -dash past.

They streaked past along of boutiques and squealed to a stop outside of a pink and white store, Spencer bracing her hand on the door and Madison grinning wickedly. That smile, that glimmer, it made Spencer a little hesitant. But when Madison turned to her and flashed a confident smile, Spencer just smiled back.

"You can get out, I'm gonna go find a parking space." Madison said, sunglasses firmly in place and a bright white smile lighting up her car. Spencer put her hand and the door and stepped out, into bright California sunlight and warm heat. Her long blonde hair brushed along her shoulders and lingered in front of her face as she stepped onto the sidewalk, the sunlight shining on her white top and sandaled feet. She squinted a little, and caught sight of Kyla standing in the doorway to the shop, the soft pink awning casting dark shadows across her face. Her prescence made Spencer's heart clench nervously and the bottomless pit in her stomach swirled while her heart thumped.

She felt so guilty.

And sort of sick.

Behind her, Madison pulled away with a squeal of tires and a lurch of metal that couldn't be healthy for the car, but Spencer just concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other, finding her way to Kyla with an air of forced confidence. She had never felt so open and vunerable, so nervous and contained, then she did on that gorgeous morning in front of a dress shop.

"Hey." Spencer smiled shakily, and brought her hand up to scratch at her ear, a nervous habit that she hadn't ever been able to break.

"Hi." Kyla said, offering a quick, awkward smile while her eyes followed Madison's getaway. Spencer glanced back to see Madison's sleek sportscar round the corner, but then Kyla grabbed her arm and pulled her beside the shop and Spencer was suddenly drenched in cool darkness, a tight hand on her arm and her eyes wrenched away from the sunlight-bathed street. Kyla stood there, eyes harsh and cool and matching the hard cement walls surrounding them.

"Kyla-" Spencer started, a million words rushing forth to explain, to pacify, to reason, but Kyla's look and her quick, firm words effectively stopped her.

"I don't care." Kyla said, and she could have shrugged, but it was already evident in her words. "I don't care why or when, or- I don't even care. You just need to stop. There's stuff going on that you don't know about. Ok?" And there was still a friend in there, caring and just trying to do the right thing. But Spencer was still stuck on the words telling her she didn't know everything, that there was stuff she couldn't understand because she'd never heard it, and it was lingering in the background. She frowned.

"What stuff is-"

"It doesn't matter Spencer." Kyla said, and she had a sudden thought that maybe she was getting too involved- maybe she was fulfilling her own lingering vengance. Maybe all those emotions she thought she had gotten over- all the ones wrapped up in a dark-haired boy she had taken from Spencer -were still just below the surface. She took a deep breath and tried to be Ashley's sister again. "Look, um, maybe you should just talk to Ashley." Kyla said.

Her eyes were somewhere on Spencer's shoulder now, tracing the white patterns of her lacy top, and she looked pensive, or saddened. Spencer, frown still on her face, tried to draw Kyla's attention with just her intense gaze, but Kyla's eyes were firmly placed and Spencer was a little frustrated- a little let down.

"Kyla, what are you talking about?" Spencer said. She felt like she didn't have a right to demand answers, because she didn't have a right to demand Ashley. But she was doing both curently and she felt guilty for it, too. Not guilty enough to back off or quit, but guilty enough to hesitate and make up excuses and let tears stain the white sheets of her bed some nights.

"I don't even know." Kyla said, finally meeting Spencer's eyes and offering an unsure smile. "Let's just go do dresses, ok? And then maybe we can go to lunch and talk." Kyla offered, and she felt like a mediator, only she was much too tangled in this web of lies and emotions to be unbiased. Much too connected to be seperated, or even take a step back.

Spencer paused for a second, caught in Kyla's completely unsure eyes and she was reminded the same look in Aiden's- the hesitation and fear. Only then, it had been just before he had broken up with her and how did that even relate to Kyla?

"Okay." She agreed, because she couldn't really do anything else but that. Kyla walked past her, back into the warm sunlight that felt colder now, though Spencer hadn't exactly exulted in it in the first place. They pushed through the clear glass doors into the sweet smelling, bustling place and Spencer was still nervous- still unsure -and Kyla seemed confused and lost. Both of them pulled into their own worlds and content to remain there until some sort of sense- for Spencer, it was Ashley; for Kyla, Aiden (though she couldn't for the life of her understand it) -returned and brought them back.

Unfourtunately, neither was good for either of them.

IOIOIOI

Madison pulled up the strap of the dress she was trying on and examined herself in the mirror. She pursed her lips together and raised a confident eyebrow, her eyes appraising her own figure.

"Damn, I look good in anything." Madison said, turning another way to examine her butt. "Damn." She breathed.

"Madison, that thing is hideous." Kyla said, coming out of the dressing room in a soft yellow gown and wrinkling her nose at Madison's choice. Kyla's hair was pulled up and wavy and she looked wonderful in the pastel color, her eyes twinkling. Madison turned and rose her eyebrows.

"Girl, you know I can't wear yellow. Makes me look _faded_." Madison said, turning back to the mirror. Spencer, shifting through dresses on the rack across from the mirrors, glanced over at the two girls. After an hour of trying on dresses, tension had slowly seeped away. Kyla was really smiling now, Madison cracking her usual jokes, and even Spencer felt a real grin tug at the corners of her mouth from time to time.

"How about blue?" Spencer asked, pulling a sleek dress from the rack and holding it out in front of her. Kyla peeked her head out from the dressing room, holding her yellow dress around her and Madison turned to give the dress a cautious eye. Slowly, both of them smiled.

"Oh my god, that's perfect." Kyla said. "You can wear blue right, Madison?" She turned a teasing smile the Latina's way and Madison shot her a look.

"Hon, I wear blue better than the ocean." She cocked a hip out as she said this and Spencer couldn't help laughing- couldn't help letting go just for an instant. The tension was stil there, lingering right overhead but Spencer was straining to keep it there.

"Ok, I'll get somebody." Spencer said, turning her head toward the counter across the store. The fitting attendant was leaning forward on it, facing away from Spencer, and a yellow measuring tape hung around her neck. She was relaxing comfortably and chatting with another girl. Spencer draped the dress across her forearm and started that way. About halfway across the store, the girl behind the counter noticed Spencer and nodded her head toward her. The measuring tape girl turned to look and Spencer met dark, deep brown eyes. Colder and slicker then Ashley's, but something teasing hid just under the ice exterior.

"Can I help you?" She pushed off the counter and stepped toward Spencer slowly, her words husky with just a hint of swarmy. Spencer smiled her trademark sweet, friendly grin and offered the dress.

"Yeah, actually, me and my friends need this in each of our sizes." The girl nodded and took the dress from Spencer, their hands brushing.

Spencer didn't feel anything.

They walked back to the fitting rooms, a slightly uncomfortable silence landing between them.

"So, are you in a wedding or something?" The dark-eyed girl asked, turning her head toward Spencer.

"Yeah. In a few days." Spencer answered, smiling a little and meeting tape measure girl's eyes.

"Cool. We're having a lot of those lately." They reached the mirrors where Madison still stood, still looking at herself in the mirror. Spencer smiled, amused at her friend's narcissism .

"Hey Madison, what size are you?" Spencer asked as they reached her and Kyla opened the dressing room door and walked out.

"6." Madison said, stepping down off the pedestal and smirking at the fitting attendant.

"I'm a 5." Kyla said, hanging some dresses back on the rack. She walked over and examined the dress on the girl's arm, a smile lighting her eyes as well as her face. "That's really pretty." She said, looking up at the girl who nodded her agreement. She really was pretty, Spencer decided, but there was something dangerous about her- something that Spencer felt in Madison, too, sometimes- she didn't like it. It made her hesitate for the breifest second.

"Alright, so a 6, a 5, and..." The girl met Spencer's eyes again, intense and dark and meaningful, but Spencer ignored all that.

"A 5 too." She said. The girl smirked.

"Alright, I'll be right back." She disappeared to their left and Madison raised her eyebrows.

"Ok, is it just me or was your gaydar totally going off too? That chick was lezzie." Kyla rolled her eyes at Madison's comment, but the tension was starting to fall- starting to come down and crush all over again.

"Madison, you said that about Aiden when you first met him. And John. And that girl in Gray that turned out to be Jack's girlfriend. You gaydar is, like, the least reliable gaydar ever." Madison shook her head, unable to control the small smile that crept onto her face. Why those Davies girls were so attracive was just beyond her.

"Ok, first off, I'm still sure Aiden is gay. That guy is retarded. Second, John was wering a pink shirt. And third, that chick was bi, so that doesn't even count." Madison explained, walking toward a dressing room. Behind her, Kyla rolled her eyes.

"Uh-huh."

"Ok, what do you think Spencer?" Madison asked, turning those glittering eyes on Spencer and the blonde was steadily starting to dislike the Latina. Everything she did was so awkward- almost planned or calculated and it made Spencer feel unsure. She shrugged a little helplessly.

"I don't know." She let a small, nervous smile drift onto her face. "Maybe, I guess. I couldn't really tell." Madison turned her eyes back on Kyla.

"She so was." She said, before going into the dressing room. Kyla, smiling in an exasperated way, made her way over to Spencer and sat down beside the girl. She propped her feet up on the soft seat and turned her head in Spencer's direction.

"So, gay or not? You would know." Kyla said, and she regretted it even as the words were spilling from her lips. She caught one between her teeth and held her breath, waiting for the backlash she could feel coming- the one she completley deserved. She winced when Spencer opened her mouth, the blonde girl only sighed.

"Yeah, I think she was." Spencer said quietly, because she probably derserved that and so much more than Kyla was putting her through. She deserved _Imagine Me & You_ jokes and maybe even a slap and a few crude words. What she didn't deserve was Kyla standing beside her and picking out dresses and sharing inside jokes with the "other woman".

"I'm sorry, Spence. I didn't mean that." Kyla said softly, studying Spencer's downcast face.

"No, it's ok. I deserved it." Spencer said, and she was starting to feel miserable and hurt and pathetic. She bit the inside of her cheek. Stupid.

"No, you didn't. You just..." Kyla sighed and trailed off, glancing down at her hands in her lap. Her bare legs, barely covered under a tight dress, pressed against Spencer's Bermuda-covered ones and she spoke again. "You're just making a mistake. You'll realize it eventually, and then you'll regret." Kyla didn't know if this was true or not- she hoped to God it was, hoped it was nothing but the truth, but she didn't know if Spencer could regret the looks she had seen pass between the two girls.

And she already knew Ashley didn't.

"Yeah." Was all Spencer said, and it was as unsure as the thoughts in Kyla's mind. The silence lingered between them for a minute or so before the tape measure girl came back in, dresses swinging from her arm and looking a little put off at the somber atmosphere that had so suddenly descended. She paused half-step and frowned. Hesitating, she spoke.

"Should I come back later or...?" She looked unsure, but she read the quiet girls easily.

"Nah." Spencer answered, and stood up, reaching for a dress. The girl handed it to her and smiled again, wicked and dangerous again.

"Well, if you need anything, I'm Carmen and just holler for me." She flashed another confident smile and handed Kyla the other two dresses. As she made her way out of the dressing area, Madison clicked open her door and stepped out. Her eyes following the dark-eyed girl, Carmen, and she smirked.

"So gay." She said, raising her eyebrows in Kyla's direction and then disappearing with the dress she snagged of the Davies girl's arm. Kyla sighed and rolled her eyes. Spencer smirked.

IOIOIOI

"Ok. Ok. Is this too small?" Kyla was spinning in front of the mirror, back and forth, back and forth, trying to see every bit of her body. She creased her eyebrows and squinted this way and that and Spencer followed her with her eyes.

"I don't think so...it looks better than the other one." She said.

"Yeah, the other one was wayy too big." Carmen agree, biting a pen between her teeth and following Kyla's butt with her eyes. Madison sent her a dirty look, but turned back to Kyla.

"Yeah, I'm thinking this one." The Latina agreed. She stood up and crossed the short expanse of space to place her hands on Kyla's hips and hold her in place. "Yeah, definitely this one." Spencer stood up and joined them in front of the wide mirror, all three dressed in identical blue dresses. Spencer's eyes looked devestatingly blue and she hesitated for a moment, wondering if she should look so pretty at Asley's wedding- wondered if she had a right to distract the bride on her own night.

"We look gorgeous." Kyla smiled, and it was real through and through, but something lingered just beneath the surface- something that had to do with secret kisses and half-naked Spencer in the bathroom. A hesitant smile that wondered if there would even be a wedding to wear this to, or if there even _should_ be a wedding.

"Alright, let's pay and go." Madison said, obviously tired and ready to leave. They had been there for close to three hours, and with Carmen for the majority of two. Spencer wasn't sure how she had put up with the girl's constant flirting and her smooth hands that touched where only Ashley was supposed to- or not supposed, depending on who you asked. But she had stayed back and tried to pull away causually. She didn't like Carmen- found her intriguing, maybe, but not as someone to consider dating. She had Ashley- or, you know, didn't have her.

"I've got the tab. It goes in the wedding budget." Kyla said, following Carmen- who had the dresses gathered in her arms- toward the counter. Behind Spencer, her phone went off, buzzing in the now quiet store. She stepped back, recognizing the ringtone instantly, and rifled through her purse so she could speak to the one girl who had been on her mind the entire morning.

"Hello?" She asked, a little breathless with anticipation by the time her fingers hit the phone and she managed to flick it open.

"Hey." Ashley said, soft and personal as she slipped the word between them. They both felt the emotions laced between such an artifical connection as a cell phone, but it didn't really matter anymore how ther hearts spoke as long as they got to. "Are you done dress shopping yet?" Ashley asked, and Spencer sat down on the soft couch, her eyes on Madison and Kyla and Carmen at the counter.

"Yeah, we just finished. I think me and Kyla are gonna go to lunch to-you know, talk." Spencer, assured that her conversation was private, glanced down and waited for Ashley to answer and comfort or just make her feel wanted. But, somehow, just her breathing on the line accomplished that and Spencer was at a loss as to why.

"Yeah, we talked last night." Ashley admitted. She was sitting on their bench in the park, staring up at the pure blue sky and letting the warmth from the sun and Spencer's voice seep into her. Last night had been bad, but it was always better in the morning. At least, that's what she'd heard.

"How bad?" Spencer asked, a slight smile forming on her mouth as they discussed how to calm Kyla. But somewhere deeper, and more permanent, it sliced her a little- brought a fresh nip of pain because they had to do it in the first place. They had to decide how to evade and lie. By the time Ashley had shared all her accumalted Kyla knowledge, Madison and Kyla were tucking away receipts and turning toward Spencer.

When they saw Spencer on the phone, Kyla's gaze hardened and Spencer knew that the younger Davies knew who she was talking to. Her instinct was to hang up immeadiately, to hide it, run away- but she paused. Took a short breath and avoided Kyla's eyes.

"I gotta go, Ashley." She said. The other girl paused, breathed in.

"Ok. But I wanna see you- tomorrow morning?" Ashley suggested. Spencer breathed soft too, trying to memorize the voice until tomorrow- but knowing she would give in and call by this afternoon.

"Ok. Six?"

"Six." Ashley agreed. "Spencer? I, uh...- bye." Ashley stuttered a bit over her words, saying things with her hesitation that she couldn't make her mouth form. Spencer felt her heart clench- her stomach drop. Before she had time to think or reconsider, she spoke too.

"Me too Ash- bye." She shut the phone quickly, hands shaking and eyes a little wide. Surprised she had said it- not really said it, but implied it so easily. Surprised Ashley had mentioned it in the first place.

Surprised that saying it- without even saying it -could hurt that bad.

Surprised the truth hurt worse than just words.

Not surprised at all that neither of them could say it.


	16. saving all the love

**Chapter 16 : saving all the love**

Ashley had been seven when her dad left her mom.

Or, more accurately, when Raife left her mom.

She hadn't understood the tears or the yelling at first. It wasn't different from any other fight and she took up her usual spot, legs dangling between the banister, to watch with big seven year old eyes. Her mom was crying- she was always crying -and Raife was swaying- he did that a lot. Sometimes when he swayed he was nice and sometimes he was mean. Ashley's mom was always nice and she was never mean, so Ashley didn't really understand her father.

Fifteen years later, Ashley understood a lot more.

She understood the swaying and the tears and even the hazy memories of Raife pounding on the door in the morning while her mom made her cereal for breakfast. She knew about the girls and the drugs and she _felt_ how he hadn't been there. She couldn't see him now to scream at him and blame him and make him feel just as unwanted and confused as she had. As she did. It had been five years ago today when he had left for good, in a fiery car crash that seemed as dramatic and final as he always had.

Her most real memories were of him with fuzzy eyes, seeming unconnected or not there, but she had one precious one that she had clung to for almost seventeen years now. She was playing- it was the afternoon, and warm and safe and her mom was doing something in the kitchen downstairs -and Raife had walked into her room, looking big and strong and a little imposing in dark jeans and a grey t-shirt, his blonde hair swinging across his eyes. He had that smile- that Davies smile that Ashley still used to her advantage and that Kyla toned down for cuteness, and he had dropped down beside her and picked up a doll.

Ashley didn't remember much more than that- than weathered, guitar-worn hands holding her Barbie carefully and intense blue eyes looking into her's. Now, she recognized the look as desperate, searching, but it didn't darken the memory. It made even sweeter- knowing, or guessing, that maybe her father had really cared, had tried, and failed.

Ashley could relate to that.

She had often failed.

Like the past few weeks; like right now. She was balanced on her bed, legs hanging off and heels pressed against the metal frame, with her guitar laid across her lap. The words were there, lyrics that had been running through her brain for the past day and yet nothing went with them- no tune would carry them the way she wanted them to be heard. It was four in the morning- two hours until she had to relate truths that she weren't even sure were true to Spencer, and she was frustrated and nervous and Paul was at work- sleeping there, again. That gave her a second of relief, but then that made her guilty.

She had Raife's guitar, one of many things he had left her when he had died, scratched and faded, but full of good music. She had a heavy heart that refused to let her forget everything she was fucking up all around her. She had a fiancee, a lover, and a sister. She had twenty-two years of lost love and messed up desicions and they were all winding down to this one choice.

It wasn't even a choice, really. It was an ultimatum that she had given herself.

The wedding was on Saturday. It was Wednesday- barely Wednesday, but she had less than a hundred hours, and that seemed so small, so tiny compared to the _lifetime _she was supposed to be committing to. Promising Paul she would be with him forever while the girl she was in love with stood just to her left. How the _fuck_ was she going to do that? _Why_ was she going to do that? She tossed the guitar to the other side of the bed and leaned her head into her hands. Let her brown curls cover her face and shut her eyes.

Downstairs, the bell rang. Ashley lifted her head almost immeadiately, knowing it would be Spencer- just as unsure and hesitant as Ashley; edging just as close to heartbreak- and besides, who else would show up at four in the morning anyway. She scooted off the bed and padded down the stairs of her and Paul's house- the one she stayed in most times, except when he was gone for a couple months, leaving her lonely and at a loss and she ran to her mom's to drown herself in warmth and love.

The bell rang again as Ashley crossed the long, tiled hall and she frowned a little, putting her hand on the heavy wooden door. She pulled it open to find her mom standing there, eyes a little red and mascara smeared. Christine smiled wearily and reached her arms out for a hug. Ashley, 22 and young and worn and unsure of close to everything in her life, practically fell into her mom's safe arms.

"I love you." Christine said warmly into Ashley's hair, and Ashley wondered how mothers could make you feel so safe and so young even when you had convinced herself you were totally on your own. She wasn't the dependant type, but when it came to her mom she turned three years old again.

Christine, until Ashley turned seventeen, had been everything that Raife hadn't.

"I love you too, Mom." Ashley answered into Christine's shoulder. They pulled apart and Christine smiled with tears in her eyes.

"Its been five years." She said simply, quiet with their shared sorrow- the one Christine felt so much more than Ashley most times.

"Yeah." Ashley answered, and she felt older again, stepping back to let Christine into her house. "How are you doing?" She asked, glancing up quickly to check the clock- 4:13, she had an hour and a half -and then shut the door as her mom tossed her purse into a chair.

"I'll be okay." Her mom said simply, and they walked toward the kitchen where Christine started making coffee, something she always did. Ashley took her usual spot sitting by the bar. "How are you?" Christine looked over to meet Ashley eyes as she dumped a cup of beans into the machine.

Their identical dark brown eyes were deep and confused with shared sorrow, but Ashley's was so complex and stemmed from so many things that Christine sometimes felt it was impossible to really reach her daughter. Ashley had been through so much and she was still so young- young enough that Christine just wanted to protect her. Too young to get married, and Christine knew from experience- from young love and broken vows that still hurt her even now. She'd tried to dissuade Ashley, to make her step back and consider, but the girl had just looked at her with something hidden in her eyes and said she couldn't- she wouldn't.

So Christine had supported her, like she always had and always would.

She pulled two cups down from the cupboard and placed them on the counter before them, her wide awake eyes taking in the immaculate kitchen.

"Is Paul here?" She asked, but she already knew the answer. When Paul was there, the kitchen would be a mess from their dinner, the tv would be on mute and the house would feel more full. They may not have been perfect for each other- and Ashley knew she didn't love him -but they had their habits when he was home.

"No. He's sleeping at the office." At least, Ashley was guessing he was because he'd only left her a second long message telling her he was fine. She spun the coffee cup between her hands and stared off into space.

"Honey, I know we've talked about this before..." Christine stopped her sentence, looking for the right words to paint her daughter a picture of the life _she _had lived, the one devoid of love except for her lovely little daughter with bouncing curls. She didn't want Ashley to feel like she regretted anything but the man, but she needed the girl to stop and _think_. "You and Paul aren't-"

"I know, Mom." Ashley cut her off, her voice quiet and eyes lost. "Just, let me take this one myself, okay?" Ashley asked, looking up to meet Christine's steady eyes and trying to convey some strength that she didn't feel. Christine merely studied her for a second, hands paused on her coffee cup.

"Ashley, I don't want you to make a mistake that you're going to regret." Chrisitine said slowly, hoping somewhere inside Ashley was listening to her. The girl nodded.

"Let's have this talk tomorrow night. I can't-" She stopped her sentence, the words dying in her throat as she thought about Spencer's blue eyes and how desperately she wanted them to look at her the same way- without repulsion or hesitation. How she needed Spencer to hold her the same way, because things were changing so quickly that this couldn't shift right now, she wouldn't be able to handle it.

"Tomorrow." Christine said, stepping sideways to pull out the coffee pot. She took Ashley's cup from between her hands and poured her a steaming cup, sitting it down before her. "You'll tell me everything." She stated, and it was a demand more than a question, so Ashley took a deep breath and a long sip and let her mind wander- safe, somehow, when she was around Christine. A different safe than she attained with Spencer, but one that made her instantly comfortable.

Spencer made her nervous.

Made her stomach spin and heart thump and did delicious things to her skin. When Spencer laughed Ashley had to smile- she couldn't help it, and when Spencer smirked gently- Ashley blushed. The girl made her all kinds of uncomfortable, put her so totally out of her element that Ashley almost couldn't stand it, but somehow that just made her want it more. She was so utterly addicted to Spencer Carlin that it terrified her, because she knew she was going to lose the other girl. It was set in stone, written in the stars, proved by experience that Ashley Davies lost what she loved. Christine Davies had been the one exception to that rule, but why the hell would Ashley be so lucky as to attain Spencer?

She wouldn't.

She wanted to run now, leave and cut her losses and not lose the one good thing she had ever gotten- have ever been given, but she couldn't bring herself to do it. She couldn't say no to those soft, baby blue eyes and the glimmer that shone in them. It was unfair to Spencer, to Paul, to Ashley herself, and to anyone who got between them, but she was stuck in some sort of twisted limbo. Caught between the inevitable and everything she wanted to desperately.

She was going to marry Paul, but she didn't want to.

She was going to leave Spencer, but she couldn't.

She was going to fuck everything up in grand style, but she couldn't do a damn thing about it.

IOIOIOI

Spencer stepped onto the curb, keeping up her steady jog down the soft pavement of her neighborhood. The grey cement slapped against her thin running shoes and the string from her iPod's earbuds bounced against her arm as she moved. There was the lightest sheen of sweat on her skin, glimmering in the early grey-yellow light as she passed green lawns and expansive houses. The fog was still out in light mist, covering the street far away, but disappearing by the time she reached it.

"_She explained, I'm always sure today's the day I will die. I wanna look good if I get to look God in the eye. And I said oh-oh, oh-oh_."

Eric Hutchinson was drifting into her ears as she ran, lifting her mood in that subtle way only music can attain. Her blonde hair was pulled into a ponytail and her eyes were dark with lack of sleep. She hadn't been sleeping well lately- for obvious reasons that she needed to resolve. Or stop; finish. She wasn't sure what the hell she was doing anymore, but she was getting tired of it.

Tired of L.A. and all the drama that always came with it.

She was supposed to meet Ashley at the park in a half hour, but she had grown restless so she put on a tank top, a pair of running shorts, and grabbed her iPod to go for a run. She hadn't gone running in the morning since she had flown to L.A., compared to her daily morning runs at home, but she got enough exercise with Ashley. She frowned when the thought crossed her mind. What the hell was she doing and why was she doing it?

She just kept running, passing things she didn't bother to distinguish from another, and tried to listen to the music and not the nagging conscience in her brain- the one her mom had placed so firmly inside her even though the woman herself had lost her own a long time ago. Her legs were starting to burn a little, but enough to even slow her down.

She just kept seeing Ashley's face.

Her confident brown eyes and the spark that lit them even when the brunette was slipping in her window at three in the morning. Her long, musician fingers that did utterly captivating things to Spencer's heart- made it shudder and thump with even the slightest touch. And her laugh, the slow chuckle that crept up from her throat and made Spencer swoon. She laughed so much when they were together, giggled sometimes and linked their hands almost carelessly.

She was breaking Spencer's heart.

She'd never felt this way before- so out of control and lost and rosy. Just the thought of Ashley made her eyes unfocused and when the girl called her her cheeks reddened slightly, all those hormones taking over. But it wasn't just hormones- wasn't just the slow drop of her stomach and the flush on her skin- it was Ashley's voice when she was thinking. It was Ashley's hands in her pockets or folded across her chest, closed off but smiling so open to Spencer- almost begging her to come and take those hands, hear the words Spencer could almost _see _on the edge of Ashley's lips.

Somehow, all the things Spencer _didn't_ know mattered just as much as the ones she _did_. Somehow, Spencer wanted to know everything and then know why about the everything. She wanted inside Ashley, so far and so deep that the girl couldn't forget her, because Spencer wasn't going to forget Ashley, no matter how shallow they melded into each other. She wouldn't be able to forget those warm brown eyes or the girl's Sunday morning smiles when the light was already halfway through the window. She wouldn't, couldn't, and didn't want to have to.

But if Ashley married Paul, Spencer couldn't keep doing it- putting her hands all over Ashley when someone else had her promises. Spencer didn't know why she was doing it now, but a series of bad desicions and uncontrollable reactions had carried them this far, this fast.

Spencer paused her running at an intersection, the cars flying past her as she jogged in place. She wondered if all those people had problems just as simply complex as her's or if she just made everything difficult. The light changed and she kept running- going toward the park and the familiarity she was building there with Ashley.

So maybe she hadn't been in love before, but she knew she shouldn't do it like this. Ashley was getting into Spencer, infiltrating every inch of her skin and her heart and Spencer had leave or be promised some sort of forever. She wasn't scared to ask for what she wanted, but she was scared of losing it. Losing it when it was right on her fingertips, touching her even when they were tangled together in bed and everything felt like maybe it should be. But everything had a "maybe" or an "even", a "possibly" attatched to it, which was driving Spencer crazy.

She knew she loved Ashley. God, if there was one thing she was painfully sure of it was that love, but everything else- even Ashley herself- was a doubt. Leaving Spencer paused and frozen between leaving and staying even though she knew if she could, she would have stayed with Ashley- Paul or not. If she hadn't love herself as much as she did, she would have bought an apartment in L.A. and touched Ashley everyday, under resturaunt tables and in hotel beds. She let herself dwell in that fantasy for a minute, because as fucked as it was, it felt so much better than leaving L.A. without Ashley.

Five minutes away from the park and she switched songs, looking for something painful but uplifting, because she knew her meeting with Ashley would be anything but. She hadn't called or texted or visited by pure force of will, because Kyla knew and that hung over Spencer and would hang over her for a long time. Kyla's simple knowledge and the girl's steadfast anger at it made Spencer hesitate and pull back more than she would have, as much as she didn't want to admit it.

Three minutes away, the green field in sight but a little ways off, Spencer slowed down. She thought she saw Ashley sitting on their bench, legs crossed and head looking away, but a car flashed by and broke the view. Spencer didn't bother looking back a second later. She switched the song again, almost at a walk now. She could feel the hard cement under her feet better now, the thin shoes not doing much for support.

She stepped onto the park's path and her eyes found Ashley sitting on their bench, legs indeed crossed and head looking away. She looked completely gorgeous there and Spencer wished for a world where there was no Paul.

A perfect world, in her opinion.

A short sprint away, Ashley looked over- though Spencer had made no sound -and smiled that Ashley smirk, the one that reached her eyes and crinkled her nose and Spencer smiled back- tiredly.

"Hey." Ashley said, her eyes scanning over Spencer's body, clad in small running clothes. Spencer took a seat next to the girl and had to physically restrain herself from leaning forward to kiss her, on those soft lips. It was early, but some people were out and- Ashley beat her to it, capturing Spencer's lips with her own for the briefest second, soft and chaste.

"Hey." Spencer said back, as Ashley pulled away enough to let her breathe without her heart leaping out of her mouth or her stomach swirling. Ashley leaned back in a millisecond later, catching Spencer offguard, and kissed her again, shorter, sweeter, and warmer. Spencer felt her heart shudder again, with the soft warmth of Ashley's lips on her own. When the brunette pulled away again, Spencer smiled a little, blushing. But Ashley's eyes turned serious, so tough that it almost hurt Spencer.

"We have to talk." Ashley said quietly, glancing down at the bench beneath them. Spencer didn't say anything, just looked out across the grass and tried to ignore the conversation they needed to have. Finally, she sighed softly and glanced back.

"I know." She said, looking down at the same spot as Ashley and trying to figure out what Ashley found so fascinating about the freckle on her left thigh.

"We're- this is an affair, Spencer." Ashley said the words for the first time, though Kyla had certaintly repeated them enough for every one involved. Maybe, though, they couldn't be repeated enough. Spencer glanced up at Ashley's eyes.

"An affair." Spencer breathed out, because now that Ashley had said it, she needed to as well. Their eyes stayed locked. "I know, I know what it is, Ash. I know what you-" She stopped, and her eyes were welling a little bit. She bit the inside of her mouth and looked away, tears burning her vision.

"I might be pregnant." Ashley blurted out, just throwing the words between them and praying to God they would figure out what to do with them. Praying to God for an answer and cursing him for everyting else.

Spencer didn't say anything for a long time. She eyes were on Ashley's, and then on her hands, welling and big and shocked. They went back to Ashley's face, but she still didn't open her mouth. "It would be Paul's, if...Spencer, say something." Ashley pleaded, not able to stand Spencer's half-broken gaze.

"I don't know what to say." Spencer admitted quietly, taking her eyes away.They focused on the bench. "I just don't. How long have you-" She couldn't say the word.

"A week or so."

"So before we started- I mean, before we even..why didn't you say something?" Spencer remembered Kyla's words the day before and she felt betrayed and lost- Ashley had known but she-Spencer's eyes were burning now, welling over as tears spilt onto her cheeks. God, all of the things, of everything-

"I didn't really know, Spence. I just thought- I'm going to see a doctor today."

"So why are you telling me this?" Spencer's eyes found Ashley's again, edging quickly toward anger. "When you don't even know-"

"I need you to know why I'm- why I haven't left him Spencer." Ashley said, but she couldn't let his name leave her lips, not when the girl who shouldn't have existed in the same world as him was sitting across from her with tears in her eyes. "I needed you to know, we need to have this talk, we have to _say_ something-

"So if you are- if you're having a baby, are you gonna stay with him?" Spencer asked, and maybe it was the most important question that had ever left her lips.

"I don't know." Ashley said almost miserably.

"Then, don't. Just, don't, ok Ashley? We can't..." She trailed off and realized she had stood, abruptly, somewhere in the middle of that ramble. She stood, awkward, in front of Ashley and managed to find the brunette's eyes with her own blurry ones. "Call me tonight?" It was still a question, still a plea. "When you find out?" Still an honest-to-God prayer that mabe he would take pity on her and her love, on her hurt. Still full of love, though only the fucking Devil knows why.

"Yeah, I will." Ashley, cowed on the bench with her hands on her lap and her eyes trying to stay clear even though the drops spilling from Spencer's eyes made her want to wrap her arms around the girl and just _cry_. She took a breath. Spencer took a step back. "Spencer, I-"

"Don't say it, Ash. Don't even say it."

And Ashley shut her mouth, though she wasn't sure what had been about to leave her lips.


	17. worn me down

**Chapter 17 : worn me down**

Ashley's hands were shaking. They trembled on her lap, giving away her nervousness even more than the lost look on her face and the way her legs were frozen, locked from her perch on the table. Her gown hung off her back, the warm sun from the window beating onto her bare skin, but she barely felt it. She wrapped her restless fingers around the edge of the metal table and bent forward slightly, trying desperately to get her nerves under control. She should have let Kyla go with her, but she'd had a flash of pride and refused. Maybe that wasn't pride- maybe it was stupidity.

It didn't matter, because she was alone now and terrified. Quivering on the cold metal table and scared because she didn't know if everything was going to be okay. If anything had been constant in her life, it was the fact that everything would work out. She had herself and that was it- and she trusted herself completely. She knew everything would work out, because she would _make_ it. She wasn't responsible to anyone, or for anyone, and she could light out at the barest hint of trouble. A baby though, Paul's baby-and _Spencer_-

The door clicked open and Ashley's heart stopped.

The doctor walked in calmly, a complete opposite of Ashley's almost frantic mind. His graying hair, outlined against the pastel wallpaper, and his warm, crinkled eyes didn't help the clenching in her stomach. Nobody could stop that at the moment. Except maybe- she cut off the thought. She knew the name- or at least the feeling that came with it, without actually having to think it. He placed a silver clipboard on the table, his eyes meeting hers, calm and confident. Assured. But he didn't have his life falling apart at the seams. He didn't have the possibility of a baby inside of him.

"Well, according to our tests..." He glanced down at the clipboard, relaxed when she couldn't bear him to be. Holding all the answers and, God, why couldn't he just spit it out?

IOIOIOI

Spencer was in the middle of her living room, a pile of old photos surrounding her and the tv on mute. Sunlight was streaming in from a half-uncovered window, and glancing onto smooth wood floors. The glossy shine of the photographs caught the light and reflected the white panes. She was holding one in her hand, staring at the single moment captured in time. The obviousness of the scene recorded perfectly, just the right hint of irony to make it singe.

It was of her and Aiden, arms wrapped comfortably around each other, at some party thrown by some friend in some time she couldn't remember. They had gone to a lot of parties over the months they had been dating and this one seemed unremarkable. In this picture though, Aiden seemed distracted, and his eyes were barely on the camera. In the background hovered Kyla, arms crossed and eyes looking in the complete opoosite direction. Waiting?

It was pathetically obvious now, and although Spencer couldn't remember that specific night, she remembered the others. The ones he disappeared from with a few muttered words or a short explanation. The sight of Kyla, no matter how cordial they were now, made her a little on edge. A little protective of everything she thought she had. But she had become so wrapped up in Ashley and in hiding Ashley and in the need to show Ashley to the world that Kyla had become unimportant, had gotten old.

This brought it back though.

That Kyla had the nerve to say those things when she herself had broken those simple rules made Spencer annoyed. She stared at the image of Kyla imprinted on the floppy picture and tried to read into her face. She tried to decipher what the girl was thinking- was it love? Was it the excitement, the adventure, the thrill of doing something that could destroy someone else? Spencer had the experience now, and she wanted the answers.

Truthfully, though, she was trying to forget about Ashley.

Slowy, she was trying to slide her from her mind, scrape at the edges of the firm position Ashley held. She was preparing to have Ashley cut out, ripped away harshly from her life and she wanted to make the pain a little easier. Like pulling at the edges of the band-aid before you rip it off. Only, she wished one of them would lose their nerve or their morals and just press the band-aid back on. Stay right where they were with broken bits and entwined fingers. Without children or the possibility of them; without fiancees or the weddings that came with; without ever-present questions.

She put the picture down and picked up another one.

IOIOIOI

Ashley walked out of the doctor's office in a sort of daze, one hand gripping her purse, the other swinging lightly. She felt fake. Like maybe the emotions flooding through her didn't have a place there. They were conflicting, and harsh, almost unreal, and she really just wanted Spencer. She really didn't know if she should have. She didn't even know why she did at all; or when she had become so co-dependant without an actual true relationship. She had a massive lie and blooming love, secret touches and private movie theaters, but nothing to talk about. Nothing she could talk about.

Her heels clicked against the marble floors as she walked out of her doctor's office. She was in her own world, the doctor's warm voice still ringing in her mind. Spencer's face playing behind her eyes. Paul's prescence ever-present in the back of her mind, a phone call away but years from being close. She pushed open the door, her eyes slightly wide and unfocused. Maybe it was all just building up. Maybe the huge block of thoughts and emotions in the forefront of her mind would dissapate in a little while. She'd never felt so out of it.

As she waited for the valet to return with her car, she stared at the sky. She bit at the inside of her cheek and pushed her hand on her stomach. It was warm out, gorgeous weather, but she ignored it. The sun felt odd on her skin, almost unreal. She felt odd inside her skin.

She was calmer now then she'd been in a while. The thoughts were blanketed by a sense of knowledge. They were still there, buzzing just below the surface, but they were contained. They were subdued. And with that, she was subdued. It was like the shock after someone dies, the denial for a while from the pure surprise of it. You knew that it would come eventually, but now its here and you have no idea what to do with it. Ashley had no idea what to do with the information she had been given. Who to run to or who to hide with. She settled for driving fast.

IOIOIOI

Spencer was settled on the floor in front of the tv, in nearly the same position she had been for the entire day. The cars on the screen before her flipped and squealed and raced as she jabbed at random buttons on the controller in her hand. Her brother had left Need for Speed : Most Wanted some months ago. She'd never had the urge to play it before. She'd never had the time. There was something satisfactory about flipping another car over to win a race and some thousand fake dollars. She was dominating. Plus, she didn't have to think. If she lost focus, she lost a race.

Clicking footsteps in the hallway warned Spencer of her mother's arrival. The feet paused on the carpet of the living doorway and then continued in.

"Spencer?" Paula asked.

"Yeah?" Spencer answered, without looking away from the tv. She titled the controller sideways, moving her hands with a turn, and tried to stay focused. She tried to keep kids and Ashley out of her mind and for some reason the only thing that worked was this video game. Covering adult worries with a teenage game felt to awkward and so forced, but it was working so well.

"What are you doing?" Paula questioned.

"Playing a game." Spencer answered. She wasn't in a mood to put up with anyone, Paula least of all. She needed a day to herself.

"I see that. But why?" Spencer shrugged. She felt childish. She didn't care. After the nonverbal answer, Paula sighed. "Well, I'm going to garden club, so we'll get dinner when I get back." It was half a question. Spencer nodded.

"Fine." Spencer said without a hint of emotion in her voice. Paula paused.

"Remember, I love you." Spencer almost let out a dry laugh. But she didn't, because it would make her lose focus. Just one more lap... Paula disappeared from the room.

IOIOIOI

Madison was laying out at the pool where Justin worked, the warm heat practically worshipping her sun-drenched body. She had actually caused more than one accident with her bikini and tanning oil. Right now, there were two guys in the pool trying to be subtle but not quite acheving it while checking her out. That was why she liked girls. They knew how to play the game and they weren't afraid to dive right in. You had to practically drag the good guys into your bed. Too much effort.

"Daquiri?" He asked, offering her her favorite drink. It was the only thing she drank when she was stressed and she was rather stressed. All the Ashley stuff, all the Spencer stuff. All the jail stuff. Justin sat down on the lounge beside her and placed the drink on the table.

"I really don't see why you had to demand this meeting." Madison said. "Especially at three in the afternoon- the sun's practically gone." That was a lie. The sun was beating down on her, and if she hadn't been so dark it would be frying her.

"There's only three days Mads. Its coming and I have to be perfect. Go over the plan again." Her demanded. He looked hot in his hotel uniform, bending over her like some worried mom. She smirked. The daquiri was really good and really strong.

"Kay. Rehersal dinner? You remember that?" Justin nodded.

"I have to-"

"Good. That's the most important part. We have to get that right. That's the start."

"One more time, Madison. Just run over it." Madison sighed and turned her sunglass shielded eyes to the dark-haired guy.

"Fine. We get there and then you find..."

IOIOIOI

Spencer was half-asleep on the living room couch waiting for Ashley to call. Her fingers were wrapped around the phone and resting lightly on her stomach, her eyes drifting shut. She couldn't fall asleep though. With her eyes open, everything was blurry and confusing. With them shut, the world turned crystal clear to her ears, every word from Barbara Walters cutting into any chance of sleep. When the door bell rang she blinked her eyes open so hard it hurt. She was on her feet in a millisecond, the sound registering in her mind instantly. The jolt of her movements aching her body. She glanced at her cell phone, because she'd been waiting for a call, not a ringing door bell. But it only took seconds for her to adjust, to jog out of the living room and into the hallway.

She took a deep breath. She completely forgot about any plan for forgetting Ashley. She put her hand on the door. She prayed to God everything would work out. She opened it.

And she relaxed because it was just _Ashley _standing there.

"Hey." The brunette girl said, standing a few feet from the door. Her hands were shoved in her back pocket, the way she did when she was nervous. Spencer leaned an elbow against the doorframe, trying to stay steady. Stay calm.

"Hey." Spencer said, but it came out weaker. Ashley tried an unsucessful smile. Her eyes never left Spencer's face. "How'd it go?" The words seemed to fly from of Ashley's mouth.

"There's no baby." Ashley was almost tearing up with relief, shifting on her feet outside of Spencer's door. The words slipped out, mumured into the yellow light pouring from the bulb above Spencer's head. She had felt that rush of ease in the doctor's office, but here, sharing that relief with the one who could understand the fullness of it- it felt that much deeper. Ashley glanced down at her feet, scrunching her toes inside her shoes. "I lost it- a couple weeks ago." Her voice broke twice. This part was harder- this part actually hurt. She'd had a baby, but it was gone now. The relief mixed in with some sort of guilt. It tainted the calm.

"I'm so sorry." Spencer said, just as quietly, easing in words, and she took that step forward that dissapated walls. They just weren't there anymore and Ashley, instead of wrapping her arms around her stomach, moved forward as well. She took a fragile step, hands on her pockets, half-broken apart. Spencer took her arm, pulled her inside, and shut the door.


	18. i'm in love with a girl

**Chapter 18: i'm in love with a girl**

Ashley woke up to slender rays of sun cutting into the bedroom. She was curled under Spencer's warm comforter, her cheek near the girl's tan shoulder and her knees touching skin. She blinked once, her big brown eyes glancing up to Spencer's face. The blonde girl's eyes were closed and she was breathing softly and Ashley was awake now and conscious so she couldn't enjoy it. She couldn't enjoy it without that whistling alarm that echoed softly in the spot between her ribs where her conscience used to be. It was warning her that Paula or Kyla or, hell, Aiden or Madison, could walk through that door any second and her world would be gone. No, her world would be shattered.

She could feel that hole in her stomach where she thought her baby might have been. She knew it was impossible to know where he would have been- Ashley was certain it would have been a he - but she felt it anyway. As if something had been ripped from her when she needed it most. Only, she knew she hadn't needed him, that he had been a least not a most, and that she hadn't even known he was there- but that only made her miss him more.

He'd been there, carved himself into her and she wasn't getting him back. This wasn't a doctor's mistake or an unsure, she had had a child and now she didn't.

She wanted Paul.

She knew if she shared this baby with him he would feel the pain with her. But he couldn't feel it the way she could and he couldn't absorb it the way Spencer did, so Ashley was sliding her hand across Spencer's stomach and pulling the girl closer. Because just having her this close helped close the hole. But he hadn't been Spencer's, he'd been Paul's, and she felt like she was filling a ballon with water- it was gonna burst sooner or later and she would go spilling out with everything she had poured in there.

Spencer stirred in her sleep and Ashley smiled painfully, because she really loved this girl. Loved her desperately and without loss. It was even more evident contrasting with the painful love- or loss of- that she felt for her baby. But Ashley didn't know...she didn't know if Spencer loved her back. She could _feel_ it, somehow, and she believed it, but sometimes she didn't see it. Times when Spencer pulled away from her or she caught the blonde looking at her with that betrayed, harsh gaze. The one that tried to pry into Ashley, because maybe Spencer was looking for the same love? Or maybe she was just looking for things in Ashley that the older girl didn't have.

Ashley sighed against Spencer's cheek and brushed a strand of golden hair away from her forehead. She would have to leave in a few minutes, because...two days until the wedding. It felt so imposingly unreal. Like a concert you look forward to for months, buying the tickets weeks beforehand and then on the car ride there, with music blaring and your friends talking about some movie, it just doesn't feel real yet. Its in the back of you mind, blurry and only imagined. Only this was an artist Ashley didn't really like, this was going to Miley Cyrus when Janis Joplin was just down the street. Somebody clanged a dish downstairs and Ashley literally jumped in bed, every nerve on edge, every muscle tense, thoughts racing. She pushed up on her elbows and waited for footsteps.

Beside her, Spencer woke up, blinking quickly and leaning up as well when she saw Ashley, the jolted movement obviously startling her.

"Ashley?" Spencer mumured, still slightly drowsy. "What are you doing?" Ashley looked down and shook her head, calming a little. There was no more movement from downstairs.

"Nothing- your mom just scared me." Ashley said, easing back down and studying Spencer's face. Spencer shot up.

"She saw us? Like this? Wait, Ashley, what?" Spencer's hands gripped at the sheet, her eyes turned to the brunette beside. Both of them in an extreme state of undress. Ashley cut the blonde off, sitting up, sheet still draped over her. A slight smirk on her face.

"No no no, she's downstairs, she just dropped something." Ashley reassured the girl. She grinned. "Way to freak out on me, Ms. Carlin." She joked, because Spencer's reaction hadn't exactly made her feel great. And somehow, Spencer picked up on it- which seemed impossible because no one ever really did.

"Oh no Ashley, its just my mom's psycho and that didn't...I'm still half-asleep." Spencer smiled tiredly. Her fingers slid across the bed toward Ashley and landed intimately on her hip, running over the soft skin there. A soft smile to match. "I'm really tired." She admitted, leaving herself open and vunerable and hoping Ashley wouldn't tear into it.

"Me too." Ashley smirked, leaning closer. Never dropping the ball whenever Spencer handed it delicately to her. She pressed a kiss into the blonde girl's forehead and barely pulled back. Left her brown eyes drenched in quiet blue. Wondering if she should talk about the wedding, because somewhere in the past week they had lost the ability to talk candidly about Ashley marrying another man. The light conversation about her honeymoon and the casual flirting would slice into Ashley now. She was too far in. It was so obvious. She bit her tongue.

Maybe Ashley had lost that slight of emotion and Spencer hadn't changed a bit. Maybe Ashley was deluding herself and Spencer had no problem with joking about honeymoons or champagne. Ashley wanted to test the other girl. She wanted to see the pain in Spencer's eyes more than anything, but she couldn't bear to cause it, and she couldn't even imagine not seeing it.

"Do you have to go?" Spencer voiced the inevitable question, glancing down at her hands. Ashley nodded mutely. They were bare and close in Spencer's warm bed in her soft, childish bedroom and Ashley's heart was breaking apart. She was questioning things she needed to know without doubt. Ashley slid out of the sheets and Spencer pulled them closer. It was a screwed metaphor for themselves- Ashley sliding out and away to go back to real life, Spencer huddling in the warm concave they formed together.

Two days to go, two days before things were set in stone, two days and maybe Ashley could buck up and change things, but they felt inevitablely solid.

Ashley pulled on her slacks while Spencer stared at the wall; and she was fixing her hair in the mirror with shaky hands when the blonde spoke up and broke the already fractured silence between them.

"If you need to talk, Ash, I'm here." There was a pause filled with those too-often-implied words. The ones Ashley found herself questioning constantly. She turned around to see Spencer leaning up in bed, wrapped in a wrinkled white sheet, blonde hair a tangled mess and eyes bluer than anything Ashley had ever been close to. Shining so bright, sparkling like fool's gold, and for an instant Ashley didn't doubt the girl's feelings. She could feel them without question.

Ashley burned the image into her mind. Branded it onto ther forefront of her brain. Erased a million memories and replaced them with Spencer, looking like love.

She glanced down at the carpeted floor and stepped into her heels. There was an ache in her chest now, to join the one in her stomach. Reaching down to pull up the strap, she met Spencer's eyes again.

"I'll call you later." Ashley said. She took shaky steps forward, natural in heels, but wobbly from the night before. Leaning down, she took Spencer's face in her hands and kissed the girl with words she was hesitant to say. Spencer's hands found her blouse and pulled her closer, fingers gripping desperately. Without a thought or a breath, Ashley found herself on top of Spencer, body length to body length, tongues finding the other and hands everywhere.

Desperate.

IOIOIOI

"The rehearsal's tonight and I'll come pick you up at five? It starts at six-thirty, but we have to meet with the planner before hand. Its that alright, hon?" Ashley didn't glance up from the road, her eyes dead set ahead.

"Yeah, that's fine Paul." She agreed listlessly. She was stuck back in Spencer's bedroom, in Spencer's sheets.

"Alright." His voice was quick, hurried, and she hated it as much as she was learning to hate him. As much as she already hated herself.

"I love you." He said. Ashley jammed her finger onto the button above her seat and didn't respond. She hoped he'd hung up before missing the sentiment she hadn't said. She couldn't say it anymore, because she felt the opposite. She had to end it, there was no questioning it. She had to end it for herself, not even for Spencer, because she didn't love him at all. There wasn't even a remnant of affection that she could feel at the moment. She was searching for it.

"Incoming call from Kyla Wood." The speaker told her. "Do you accept?"

"Yeah." Ashley answered, knowing Kyla would just keep calling if she didn't answer. She knew. There was a beep. "Hello?" Ashley tried to wash the annoyance out of her voice.

"Hey Ash, wanna get some lunch? Or are you too busy with the wedding stuff?" There was a hint of sarcasm in the word "wedding", and Ashley knew Kyla was talking about Spencer.

"Kyla, I'm not in the mood." Ashley warned. There was a pause and Kyla's voice softened.

"Oh." Another pause, and Ashley knew Kyla was sorting through stuff. Holding back questions about the baby. Kyla hated personal conversations on the phone. "Well, you wanna meet at the regular place?" She asked. Ashley sighed. She didn't, but maybe she needed to.

"Yeah, ok. At twelve?"

"Yeah." Ashley clicked off the phone. She was in a horrible mood. She had been since she'd left Spencer. The baby she didn't have anymore had left a hole in her chest, and her doubt involving Spencer was taking the breath from her. It was like getting punched in the stomach constantly, from all directions. She pulled into her driveway and shut off the engine. Christine had called her three times last night, but she'd ignored each one in favor of Spencer's arms and legs and mouth. She couldn't call her now, not like this.

She stepped out of the car and clicked along the sidewalk, set on getting a shower and some clean clothes and blowing off the world. Not ready to return to the real world where Spencer maybe didn't love her, she'd lost a child, and she was marrying a man she didn't really know. She stepped into the hallway and tossed her keys into the bowl. She was aiming toward the stairs when something in the living room caught her eye. She never went in the living room, but Paul probably didn't know that so maybe he'd left her something there.

What she saw made her eyes tear up instantly, painfully. Made her heart scream across her chest and tear in the remaining composure she had. It ripped her apart. It socked her in the gut. She slid to her knees, tears streaming down her face. This was breaking. She was crying, heaving, choking on air and lost hope.

On the coffee table was the used pregnancy test she was sure she had thrown away weeks ago. There were four ballons- two said "It's a Girl!" and two said "It's a Boy!" Cards littered the table, all scrawled with Paul's handwriting. A picture of a crib was taped to a ballon. There was a tiny, perfect little white rattle.

Ashley was sobbing on the living room floor.

IOIOIOI

Two tables sat in the room, one for the groom;s side and one for the bride's. Each one was draped with a pristine white tablecloth. Gold chairs lined the sides and white and gold silverware was placed perfectly at each spot. Gold and glass chandeliers hung over the whole room, glinting in the low light. Two spots were set at the heads of both tables with pure white plates. Paul and Ashley's spots. At the far end of the room, gleaming gold buffets were set up.

Two hours before the ceremony and the place was quietly murmuring. Each caterer and waiter bustling silently, laying out forks and napkins, lighting white candles and starightening chairs. The whole room was gold and white, absolutely elegant and gorgeous. Madison wouldn't have expected anything less from Ashley. In fact, the room matched the girl's complexion. Ashley would probably wear a white and gold dress.

Madison was surveying from the back, near a side door, while Justin looked into the side rooms. Two doors led onto balconies on the other side of the buffet and Madison was slowly working her plan out in her head. Slowly letting that twisted mind of her's do its work. She crossed her arms and slightly creased her eyebrows.

"The rooms won't work, they're too far away." Justin said, coming up on her left. "What are we gonna-" Madison held a hand in his face, effectively shutting him up. He could get annoying and frantic very quickly.

"I've got it, Justin." She assured him easily, that slight smirk forming on her face. "You're gonna have to do it right before dessert, alright? When everyone gets up to talk. Use the balcony." She pointed across the room and Justin mirrored her smirk.

"Cool." He said, looking forward to his task. Madison's eyes glinted.

IOIOIOI

Spencer had passed the day on the golf course with her mother. It had been uneventful, filled with Paula's beige friends and Ashley's face in her mind. Two days, and Ashley would be tied to someone else. Three days and Spencer would be tied back to the life she'd left. Reality was biting her in the ass. She could feel Ashley pulling away from her and it was tearing her up inside. She would tell her tonight, she decided. She would find her and spill all the words that were on the edge of her tongue. It had taken her barely an hour to come to this conclusion and now she was forming the words in her mind, imagining the admission and Ashley's resulting smile. Creating so many possibilities that they all wrapped up together and strung her out.

She sat at a glass table on the tan patio outside the resturaunt, the green grass stretching endlessly before her. She

watched older women with ripped thighs play tennis and ignored her mom, who was talking to every other person that walked by. She sipped idly at a martini. A sense of calm had come with her desicion and the resulting determination. She loved Ashley. She loved her. Hiding it or not admitting it wasn't helping anyone. She needed to help both of them. She wasn't exacltly happy, wasn't exactly relieved, she was just _set_.

"...she's going back home this Sunday." Spencer glanced over at Paula, who was talking to an elderly woman and the tall, attractive guy who stood beside her. He was staring at Spencer unabashedly. "Spencer, I'd like you to meet Jude." Spencer flashed a painfully fake smile, but the guy seemed oblivous and only smiled back.

"Hey." He said.

"Well, I'm gonna get a drink. Doris, will you join me?" Paula, said, rising from her seat. That was Paula. She knew her daughter was gay, yet she'd rather pawn her off on some stranger than admit it to herself. The older lady shot a glance their way, then followed. Jude joined Spencer at the table and smiled. Spencer smiled back, then abruptly stood up.

"I'm sorry, I can't stay." She said simply. She was out of the patio in ten seconds, Jude's eyes on her the whole way. Stalking through the grass, she made her way to the valet and waited for her car. Fuck Paula, she'd leave her there to find her own ride. Maybe that guy would take her home. And maybe that would convince her to stop trying to hook Spencer up with random guys. She didn't like guys.

She had an hour and a half before she had to be at the dinner and she was already nervous, her stomach swirling. She couldn't stop thinking about Ashley and her guarded eyes in the bedroom that morning. Something about the questions and the walls back in place made her want to collect Ashley, all the little pieces, and wrap them up inside her. She wanted to promise she'd take care of them, because, honestly, she already had. The words were there, in her eyes and in her silences, but it wasn't quite enough anymore.

Most of all, she wanted to run away. She found herself spinning complex daydreams about Ashley, dreaming up worlds and situations where they could make it. But she had this situation, here, and she had been floundering, second guessing herself and Ashley's plans. Now, she figured, she would lay it all out. She was becoming reckless and she loved it- loved her -no matter what consequences might manage to catch up with her. She was desperate for a fix of the romantic kind. She took a deep breath.

It had to be perfect.

IOIOIOI

Ashley stood in front of the mirror, drawing a thin line of eyeliner. The redness in her eyes was gone, finally, after half a bottle of eye drops. She was going to tell Paul that it had been Kyla's test- and it had been a fluke. She was going to lie her ass off, because she didn't want the baby to complicate things. She was going to break it off with Paul after dinner, she just couldn't do it now. She was going to do a lot of things, more than she had ever done.

She hadn't gone to lunch with Kyla. She had called the other girl, voice shattered and raspy, and told her she couldn't make it. Kyla had appeared at the house fifteen minutes later with warm arms and tears to match Ashley's when she heard the news. They had hid in the backyard under the hot sun with cool water Kyla kept bringing out and Ashley had spilled her problems. And Kyla hadn't really helped. She just made her hurt for beraying Paul- not on purpose, but with each restrained glance and each bit off word. Ashley needed Spencer.

She took a deep breath when she heard the door close downstairs. With a final check of her makeup, she slid her white heels on. Her dress was pure white with a soft gold top. She looked breathtaking. Tapping slowly down the wood stairs, she placed a steadying hand on the railing and kept her eyes from the living room. She hadn't touched any of it- couldn't bear to. She needed to get out, even if it was with Paul; she needed to get free, but it couldn't be with Paul.

She stepped into the foyer and Paul grinned at her.

"This rehearsal thing, we don't really have to go right?" He grinned, stepping toward her, his eyes raking over her body. Ashley smiled back, but it didn't come anywhere near her eyes.

"Yes, we do, Paul." She gave him a teasing smirk. He wrapped his arms around her, scattered his love out toward her, but she didn't bother to try to grasp onto it. She didn't want it.

"You look amazing." He said, kissing the top of her head and tightening his grip on her. She stretched her arms around his waist. "We're getting married on Saturday." He said into her dark, shiny hair. She nodded below his mouth.

"Yeah." She breathed out, because it hurt to admit it to the world and to other ears.

"I love you, Ms. Davies." He kissed her forehead and pulled away, content with his display of emotion. He wasn't known for it, but it came it short waves that wrapped her up, that had drawn her to him at the beginning of their relationship. He really loved her, somewhere, with fierce abandon. But she couldn't ever feel it. Not the way she did when Spencer looked at her with wide, blue eyes and a rose mouth. She loved Spencer frowning more than she loved Paul grinning. She loved Spencer more than Paul.

"Are we driving the Lincoln?" She asked, knowing he would be back to business by now.

"Yes." He said, sliding the keys into his pocket. He held the door open for her. "Ready?" She nodded and stepped out the door into the steadily fading sun. It was painting their lawn pink and red with the L.A. fog, and glinted off the shiny black of the Lincoln Towncar. The perfect off-white streets turned dusty grey and the greens darkened and shadowed. She could feel an end coming, but of what she had no idea. Of her and Spencer, her and Paul, the wedding, her life, whatever. She couldn't see how things would turn out and it made her stomach clench.

Paul held the car door open for her. She bit her lip.

They drove off with the late afternoon sun painting her face dark red and gold.


	19. i second that emotion

**Chapter 19: i second that emotion**

Spencer worked with a tiny strand of her bangs that hung, stubbornly, before her eyes. Her makeup was done, her dress on, and her heels strapped, and if she could only get. that. piece...

"Spencer, we're going to be late!" Paula called, passing by the hallway. Spencer listened to her heels click on the floor and her hand paused by her face, her eyes shifted that direction. She went back to her hair. She tucked it under another strand. "Spencer!" Paula's voice, knowing and already irritated from the "disappearing act" Spencer had "pulled", cut into her room once again. Spencer sighed and finally pulled the piece behind her ear. She gave a nervous smile to her reflection, but the lingering sadness that had been edging into her dulled the shine in her eyes a little.

Dropping her gaze, she looked at her hands braced against the counter and bit at her lip. The quivering in her stomach- that naseous rope tied tight in her gut -warned her of the events to come. She pushed off the counter and stepped into the bedroom. Scooping up her purse, she stepped into the hallway where Paula was waiting impatiently.

"We cannot be late for the rehersal." Paula threatened her. Spencer thought maybe they should get going then, instead of Paula just standing there glaring. She didn't dare utter the words aloud.

"I know." Was all she said as she stepped past her mother, her clutch gripped in her hand. She had reached the front door, Paula following behind, when her phone buzzed from inside her bag. She stepped to the side and Paula passed by briskly, throwing an irritated sigh in Spencer's direction. Spencer ignored it and flipped open the phone, slowly following Paula to the car.

"Hello?" She answered, avoiding sidewalk cracks as her eyes scanned the ground and picturing Ashley's face in her mind.

"Hey." It was Aiden. Spencer hadn't seen him since the night she'd blown him off for Ashley in a club bathroom and he hadn't called since. She hadn't noticed.

She didn't blame him.

"Hey." There was a slight of confusion in her tone and he read it without really even trying.

"Uh, I was just calling to see what you were doing tonight. If you wanted to go get dinner of something...?" He trailed off, leaving the question open.

"Sorry Aid," The nickname slipped out though the words were cold, "I have Ashley's rehersal dinner tonight." Spencer declined. He paused for a millisecond.

"Oh. Maybe next time." He added automatically, but Spencer could tell he didn't mean it.

"Yeah." She agreed, but she didn't mean it either. "Next time." She echoed. They were goodbye words, concealed as polite agreements. They were so fake they sounded real.

"Alright, bye."

"Bye." She said in her feather-sweet, hesitant voice, tossing the word across the line and slicing through a few years of friendship. She's frayed the bond with her disappearing act and she had just torn the remaining threads. Closing the phone shut, she slid it back into her purse as she climbed into the car. She couldn't help but mentally pause for a second, recognizing the space that had spread between her and Aiden and not liking it. She bit her lip as her mom pulled out of the driveway. Things hung by strings were slowly twisting and fraying, losing their last clinging hope. Her world, built to last, was coming apart the seams.

She refused to lose Ashley, as worn and as fresh as their bond may have been.

IOIOIOI

Ashley had inconspicuously ditched Paul in the lobby and slipped away to the bathroom in the room set aside for the wedding party. She sat on the toliet and held her phone between her fingers, waiting to call Spencer. Waiting because she had to find those personal words of encouragement- of rationalization -that would make it okay to call the other girl. She had to convince herself. She knew that wasn't a good sign- or maybe it was. She thought maybe it was, because that meant she was starting to accept reality. But then maybe she was just backing out and taking the safe road disguised as the Right Thing.

Before she could overthink it like she always did, her phone buzzed in her hand and the decision was made for her. The name Spencer shone brightly on the front. Her eyes twinkled, but her stomach stayed hollow. She answered, because honestly? there was no way she couldn't have.

"Hello?" Hopelessly whipped.

"Hey." Spencer relaxed for the first time all evening. Something about Ashley's voice just stilled her racing heart and yet made it beat irregular. It beat only for her, anyway.

"What's up?" Ashley glanced nervously around the room, but the emotion didn't show in her steady voice.

"Nothing. I'm in the parking lot, I had to find a space." She had volunteered to park and walk, in order to escape Paula. The woman was still pissed that Spencer had ditched her at the country club. "Are you here already?" She shouldn't have cared, shouldn't have asked. The mantra of "shouldn't have"s resounded through her brain at all times.

"Yeah, I'm in the back of the church." Ashley paused and Spencer waited. "How are you doing?" The morning was lingering in her mind- the desperate actions and the unspoken words. Spencer hesitated. She cut back the words that had been swimming in her mind through the recent hours, and settled for something overtly simple.

"Okay. I'm okay." She glanced around, not sure what she was looking for, watching fancily dressed couples exit expensive cars. Years living in L.A. had not conditioned her to the sometimes blindingly rich tastes of the wealthy. She glanced down, phone pressed to her ear. "How about you? Ready for this rehearsal?"

"Yeah." Ashley nodded, because over the past hours she had been mentally preparing herself for what was to come- the organ and the steps and that wave of nervousness that would be ten-fold on the actual day. If it happened. God. She bit her lip and wondered if Spencer was going to be okay. She shouldn't have asked her to be a bridsmaid, but she couldn't have known. She shouldn't have had to worry, she shouldn't have been doing it at all and she definitely shouldn't have been putting Spencer through it.

And there it was again. Cold feet or some sort of prediction. And that desperate obsession with how Spencer would handle things that somehow reigned over every other thought in her head. She must have lost her mind...

"I'll see you when I get in?" Spencer asked, paused before the church doors and dragging her toe behind her without noticing.

"Yep." Ashley said. The telling, pregnant pause. "Bye." Spencer answered immediately.

"Bye." The click of the phone and Ashley was left alone again, only this time it didn't feel so scary. There was a rush of..._knowledge_ of some sort that enveloped her when Spencer's voice floated through that phone.

She just _knew_.

IOIOIOI

Spencer shut the phone slowly, her thoughts dragging her away from the present and into the grey. She tucked it into her purse, mindlessly stepping, but a hand on her arm stopped her movement toward the door. She looked over to see Christine Davies standing beside her, looking friendly and warm. Spencer immediately felt guilty.

"Hey." Christine smiled. "How are you doing, Spencer?" Spencer smiled back and turned toward the older woman beside her.

"I'm fine, how are you?" She asked. She let Christine lead her toward the side door.

"Great." Christine's eyes drifted up above the church doors to the steeple gracing the top of the building and suddenly her face grew worn. "I haven't been in a church since Raife's funeral." She said calmly. Spencer didn't know what to say to that, but Christine's eyes met her's an instant later. "Sorry, I'm just a little nostalgic today." She smiled wryly. "Would you help me with the flowers?"

"Of course." Spencer agreed, and trailed behind the woman through a heavy wooden door that led into a warm hallway. The carpet was deep red, the walls were dark wood, and Spencer had an eerie guilty feeling reminiscent of her days in Ohio when Paula had been sober and she had been straight.

"Two more days." Christine said, opening a door and leading Spencer into a cramped, cement-floored closet. She pulled the string hanging above her and the room flooded with grey light. "Two more days and my little girl will be married." She started picking through flowers.

"Yeah." Spencer agreed, but the thought was like a cut into her so sensitive skin. She coulnd't even..."You must be excited." She barely choked out.

"Yeah." Christine's answer was softer. She turned and handed Spencer a bouqet of white and purple flowers, meeting the girls eyes for a moment. She hesitated, then turned back to the table overflowering with colors. "So you and Ashley have been getting along well since you met." It was a question Spencer could answer definitively.

"Yeah, we've been getting along really well. She's a really great girl." She choked on the words again, but this time the sound surfaced in the syllables. Christine's hands paused again. Christine had called Ashley last night, looking for the explanations the girl had promised her, but she had only gotten Ashley's ring tone over and over again. She didn't know why, but she had a feeling the blonde behind her was the cause for Ashley's sudden realizations. She hoped so, and yet she feared the outcome- the pain. She was more in the dark than any mother could stand to be.

"When are you going home?" Christine asked, turning to hand Spencer another handful of perfect flowers. She searched for the blonde's eyes this time, but they skillfully focused on the flowers and avoided anything else.

"Soon. Three days, not counting today." Yeah, she had counted the hours, the minutes, the worry. Christine gathered the last of the flowers in her arms and turned to the girl her daughter was in love with. She only needed to see them together to prove it, that she knew.

"Do you want to go?" She loaded the question with as much subtle meanings as her eyes could allow and she knew Spencer caught all of them. The other girl looked hesitant, unsure of Christine's intentions, but when she answered everything in her eyes screamed honesty- painful, cutting honesty.

"Not really. I'm starting to love it."

IOIOIOI

Kyla hated Spencer.

She'd never really known her, they'd never really met _before_. But of course Kyla knew her face, her name, her story. She had been, after all, fucking Spencer's boyfriend behind her back. It seemed downplayed when she thought about it in such clear terms, because back then it had been the most confusing thing she'd ever been through. It was still the most confusing thing she'd ever been through. And Spencer had made it that way.

That wasn't true.

Kyla knew there wasn't an ounce of truth in that statement, but it replayed in her mind all the time. Spencer had been the backdrop to the love affair she had participated in- the one that had wrecked her. Spencer had been the lock keeping Aiden and Kyla in the same place, until Aiden had finally grown the balls to break out of it. But Spencer had been the face in his mind that had ruined Kyla's relationship with him, even after Spencer was miles away and a boyfriend past.

She hated Spencer.

For having Aiden and for never letting him go. For so easily controlling the only man she'd ever loved. She hated Spencer, because it scared her too much to hate herself. That was why she was sitting in the cool, dark room somewhere in that giant church with her arms around her knees and her eyes burning. Because of Spencer Carlin.

She bit her lip and tilted her face down, closing her eyes. Spencer had taken Aiden and now she was taking Ashley. Sneaking her from right under Kyla's nose, but she knew. She knew without a doubt what was going on, because Ashley still told her everything. And that gave her a chance to stop it all. She knew what Spencer could do, how the innocent blonde haired girl could steal someone's heart and then never give it back. She had watched Aiden suffer from the loss of his and she wouldn't watch Ashley suffer through the same thing. Kyla was blinded by hurt and overprotectiveness and love and plain old envy.

There were moments like this when she hated Spencer Carlin so much it physically pained her. Mainly because she knew the girl was good. She was a mostly good girl who had made a few mistakes, who had gotten screwed over by Kyla herself, and who was falling in love with Ashley the same way Kyla had fallen for Aiden. Only, Ashley was a lot more free than Aiden had been and Spencer had a much better chance of actually getting happiness and it made Kyla green with envy. Her face twisted again and she knew she must have looked kind of crazy sitting by herself and making faces. She almost smiled.

She was the unfourtunate bearer of a broken heart and it smeared her outlook on things. Not enough to really harm her, but enough to force her into that room with her head on her knees. Her phone buzzed again and she glanced down to see Aiden's name flicker onto the caller ID. She didn't answer.

Warpping her arms tighter around her legs, she stared at a picture of Mary on the wall and thought about Spencer Carlin.

And tried not to hate her.

Unfourtunately, she was a rational person. Unfourtunately, she had control over what she did and over her raging emotions. Which was why she was locked in the tiny room avoiding Ashley and Spencer and even Aiden who had been calling her all night. She buried her face in her knees.

IOIOIOI

Ashley had already gone through the church twice looking for Spencer, because she needed to see her. She needed some reassurance, although Spencer was really anything but in all reality. She was stepping through the padded hall once again in her shiny gold and creamy white dress when she spotted the blonde walking inside with Christine. She was carrying a load of purple and white flowers in her arms that brushed her neck and shoulders gently. Carefully, she set them down on a wooden table by the main entrance. Ashley smiled, despite herself. She walked over and Christine looked up.

"Hey sweetheart." Christine grinned and pulled Ashley into a hug, ever supportive and gentle. Ashley hugged her back fiercely and breathed in her mom's familair scent.

"Hey Mom." She said. When she pulled away Spencer was looking at her with wide, expecting eyes. Ashley opened her arms as well and pulled the blonde into a hug that felt all too natural in the crowded lobby. She had to stop herself from pressing a quick kiss into the girl's forehead. When she finally pulled back, her mom was smiling softly and Ashley knew, without a doubt, that the older woman had figured it out.

"I'll see you later, hon." Christine promised and walked off before Ashley could become akward. Before Spencer could mutter intimate nothings in Ashley's direction, Christine's presence was replaced with Paul's appearance.

"Hey, where've you been sweetie, I've been looking everywhere." He wrapped an arm around her and grinned at Spencer. "Hey Spencer, how are you?" Spencer barely, just barely, smiled back.

"Good." She mumbled.

"We're ready to start." Paul turned his attention back to the brunette at his side. "Are you?" Ashley nodded mutely. "Alright, well let's go then." He seemed excited beyond belief. It was painful for the two girls to watch. When he had disappeared, Spencer turned her clean blue eyes to Ashley.

"We need to talk." She said the deathly words and they terrified Ashley, those four syllables, those tweleve letters. "Nothing bad." Spencer reassured her.

"Ok." Ashley agreed hesitantly. Kyla called from the hallway as she walked through the arch. Events started to speed up, take over, like they always did.

"Ready, Ash?" Ashley glanced over toward her sister quickly, then back.

"Ok, at the dinner?" Ashley questioned, focused on Spencer. The blonde nodded.

"Yeah." Ashley smiled grimly and turned to Kyla.

"Yeah, I'm ready!" She plastered a grin on her face and sucked it up.

IOIOIOI

Spencer fidgeted in her heels and twisted the fake bouquet in her hand. The candles beside her were too hot and her dress was too small and her brain was too muddled. The church was almost empty, just the loved ones particiapting in the wedding (but my, it was a huge wedding and man, there were a lot of loved ones) and Spencer had to stand on the altar in front of some of them. Kyla stood in front of her, looking poised, but Spencer wasn't scared of her anymore. Paul stood a few feet away, beaming proud, and Spencer was totally terrified of him.

The wedding march started and Spencer's heart thudded dangerously fast in her chest, threatening to race right out of her chest. She was probably more nervous than Paul was. She knew she was more loved. She knew, she _knew_. She had to be.

And when Ashley walked through those thick doors, she was sure.

Sure as anyone had ever been that she was meant to be with that girl, though later she would put it down as the heat's fault or the nervousness playing tricks on her heart.

When Ashley walked through that door, her eyes found Spencer's.

Though she couldn't have known where the blonde would be standing, though in normal conditions she shouldn't have even cared, her dark brown eyes- those eyes that would never be the same after that day, after that stark contrast between her white dress and surrounded by that thundering organ- found Spencer's unhesitantly. Spencer should have expected it, really.

She was still caught totally offguard.

And yet it felt perfect.

Dirty and stained and sullied and so perfect for Ashley's eyes to meet her's in that dark church under those hot lights and with that boring music. God, it sent such a thrilling, life-ending, lighting bolt of love straight through her so that she couldn't breathe. It felt so _right_. She knew it was so _wrong_.

It was what things should have been and that moment was when her heart was fuller than it ever had been and at the same time shattered into a billion tiny shards. It was the slowing of the world and then the painful jolting restart. It had a soundtrack all its own that Spencer had never possesed and a feeling she was sure would never come again.

It was over two seconds later, when Ashley's eyes turned to Paul and her mouth grinned but her eyes teared, and her mouth smiled but her eyes glittered like fool's gold, because Spencer knew she had the real thing. She had the true gold.

But maybe it had just been the hot candles.

IOIOIOI

"No, that's just Jimmy, he wouldn't know a pick from a string, at least not these days..."

"I don't know what she was wearing at the Grammy's..."

"This weekend? I'm going for drinks with..."

Ashley had important friends, something Spencer had sort of been expecting, but was still unprepared for. It didn't matter. She hid in a corner with Christine and tried not to stare at Ashley the whole night. She had a weird feeling that Christine noticed, but at this point who cared? Two days. Two days and three hours.

Ashley drifted in and out of the crowd, sneaking away to talk to Spencer and Christine before returning to the fray, but not after promising things with her eyes that Spencer knew she couldn't deliver. The lights were getting fuzzy and the wine was starting to get to her- or maybe that was the need to touch Ashley -so she quietly excused herself from Christine under the pretense of getting some air. She made her way through the crowds, some people smiling at her, others looking down their nose. That part of L.A. she had gotten used to.

Her fingers reached the balcony door of the hall where they were eating dinner and she carefully pushed her way out into the slightly chilled air. She left the door open a couple inches and braced her hands on the marble curve of the balcony rails. She shut her eyes and ignored the stars.

IOIOIOI

Justin had claimed a table on the other side of the room from Spencer and Christine's claimed corner and spent the night watching the other girl. She had downed more than her fair share of wine and was looking on the edge of tipsy when she muttered something in Christine's ear and started across the room. To Justin's amazement, she was aiming toward the balcony. '_Too easy_.' He thought, but he put his glass on the table and followed her that way.

Pulling his cell phone from his pocket, he sent the text message he had been itching to send all night. His long legs crossed the room quickly and he reached the balcony doors just as Spencer braced her hands on the railing.

He grinned.

IOIOIOI

Madison heard the slight buzzing from her purse and almost didn't believe it, because she had been poised for it all night. Her heart beat sped up. Checking to make sure that it had been the message she'd been waiting for- it was- she stood up from her table and made her way to Ashley, who stood out even among the gorgeous socialites she was chatting with.

"Ashley." Madison grabbed her hand and tugged her away from the older women. "I need to talk to you." She pulled Ashley a couple feet away and the younger girl smiled thankfully at her.

"Oh thank god, I thought I was gonna have to drink my way out of there." Ashley said, squeezing Madison's hand. "What's up?"

IOIOIOI

It happened quickly. One minute Spencer had her head titled, listening to the traffic, and the next she had been turned around and a mouth was on her's, quick and intrusive. For half a moment she thought it was Ashley, but she knew deep down it wasn't. Her arms moved slowly to push him off, the wine affecting her more than she'd thought. She knew it was a he the moment her fingertips hit his strong shoulders. She was scared.

IOIOIOI

It happened quickly. One minute Ashley was chatting with Madison about her honeymoon and the next she was watching Spencer kiss Justin, the boy she absolutely hated. She felt an icy tendril of betrayal and hurt cut through her insides and she turned away before tears sparked in her eyes and Madison made assumptions. Her back to the glass balcony door, she was shocked into complete silence.

Madison smirked a little.

Too easy.

IOIOIOI

Spencer shoved lip-happy guy off her and tried to see through her half-blurred eyes.

"What are you doing?" She demanded.

"Oh my god, I thought you were somebody else, I totally thought you were my girlfriend. I am so so sorry, oh my god..."

"It's ok..." Spencer said slowly, trying to calm him down. "It's ok."

Ten feet away, Ashley felt heartbreak for the first time.


	20. not tonight

**Chapter 20 : not tonight**

Ashley took a short breath, ignoring Madison's chattering beside her, and did the one thing she really didn't want to do.

She turned back around.

Spencer was talking to Justin- not kissing him, thank god not kissing him, but talking to him and not beating him for kissing her which was what Ashley wanted her to be doing, because no one got to kiss Spencer except Ashley in dark corners and in private bedrooms. She was sober immediately, almost painfully so, because the fuzziness just disappeared and everything was harsh; she felt harsh in the glowing, golden room filled with excitement and love-fuck it. They were turning around, elbows on the railing, and staring out at the blanketed night. Shoulders touching. Madison wouldn't shut up. Ashley was two seconds from pushing through those doors, grabbing Spencer, spinning her around and, and...She wrapped her arms around her stomach.

She needed to calm down.

No matter rights or questions or mistakes or explanations, going out there now and demanding things wouldn't fix it, not on the night two days before her wedding and not with the anger, betrayal, building her stomach. Not without causing a scene. Not with Paul ten feet away grinning and patting his friends on the back, gesturing with a glass of champagne and stealing glances her way every ten seconds. She couldn't stand to be in the room anymore.

"I need some air." She told Madison. The girl glanced out into the balcony, where Ashley's eyes had been locked, and crinkled her eyebrows a little at the sight of Spencer and Justin chatting, but Ashley brushed past her in the opposite direction. Sidestepping congratulatory hands and confused glances, she tore out of the room, leaving an air of confusion in her wake. Paul, glass forgotten in his hand, watched her go with crinkled eyebrows. Carelessly dropping his champagne on the table beside him, he hurried after her in the least suspicious way he could.

It didn't matter, because all eyes were already on them.

Ashley pushed through the front door of the building into the cool night, heels clicking down the stone steps and dress swaying gently against her body. Her face was slightly flushed from emotion and her eyes were sparkling dangerously. Paul's voice sounded behind her, calling her name in a concerned tone. Ashley stopped on the third step down, halfway away from that building and that girl, and those indecisive actions she was doomed to take. She heard his footsteps slow as he caught sight of her on the steps and he was beside her a few moments later.

"Hey, what's going on?" He asked, the champagne and the happiness sending a flow of care into his usually rushed voice. God, he loved her.

"Nothing." Ashley spit through clenched teeth, the surefire way to let him know that something was definitely going on.

"Ashley, you just ran out of there, I know something has to be..." He noticed the two tear streaks down her face. "Ashley." He said again, completely confused.

"I just need to be alone right now." She managed. She needed to get ahold of herself and somehow come up with a plausible explanation for her storm out. She didn't have anything. He paused, studying the side of her face as she studied the building across the street.

"Okay." He finally agreed. Leaning in once to kiss her forehead, he turned and walked back up the steps. Ashley didn't watch him go, but she did wonder what he was going to tell everyone. She sniffed once and the tears started again, though she tried her best to push them away. She didn't know why she was so broken over it, it was just a kiss, maybe a drunken mistake, maybe she had seen something- but no. He had kissed her, she had seen their lips pressed together, Spencer's hands coming up to his shoulders. And she had seen Spencer talking to him.

She couldn't interrupt it now, because what if meant something? Paralyzing self-doubt had taken control of her actions. What if she didn't mean anything to Spencer? What if the girl had become fed up with Ashley's marriage and was giving up? The thought shot a bolt of fear through her that she had never experienced. She was so scared, so fucking _terrified_ of losing Spencer.

She hated it.

She hated being so totally wrapped up in that girl that her heart had cracked, jarred into pieces, at the sight of her kissing someone else. Like floating comfortably in the air one moment, and then dropping to the hard ground in a startling split second. It scared her more than it should have- more than it would have had she been someone else with a different past, a different life. But she was _Ashley Davies_ and she shoved people away when they got close.

And Spencer had gotten closer than anyone ever had.

She sniffed again and turned around to go back inside and find a bathroom. She could handle it. She could fix it. God, she had to.

Spencer, arms resting on the balcony and eyes firmly on the girl retreating back inside, had to bite her own lip to stop her own fears. She didn't know what had Ashley crying on the sidewalk like that, but she had a sneaking suspicion- a cold, hard rock in the pit of her stomach -that told her Ashley had seen something that wasn't really anything at all, that was less than a something, and had been torn by it. Her voice died in her throat. Even if she did get Ashley's attention, what could she fix from twenty feet above?

She sighed and leaned her forhead on her hands, palms up, squeezing her eyes shut. Justin had disappeared back inside after apologizing once more. Spencer, through her champagne haze, had watched him walk away and experienced a cold flash of deja vu. She knew him from somewhere, but she didn't...

She sighed softly, puffed air out into the cool night, and opened her eyes, pushing off the balcony. Without a glance toward the city, she turned back to the dinner. She was going to find Ashley and set the events straight and feel that glow, that heart-out-of-your-chest, that vunerable _love_ that she could not help.

She was honestly getting tired of it. There was only so much her soft heart could take.

IOIOIOI

Ashley walked back to the hall, each step building another inch of wall around her, each breath attempting to push Spencer Carlin right back out of her. Each thought rebelling against her body's actions with reasonable, sound explanations that Ashley couldn't bring herself to believe, because, after all? She was cheating on Paul and he would _never_ had expected it. She would never had expected this. And knowing Spencer the way she did- or thought she did- the girl didn't seem the kind to play the mistress, but she had been shuddering under Ashley's fingertips for the past couple of weeks so maybe it was just a thing. Maybe Spencer fell in love with what she couldn't have and Ashley had just been another in a long line.

How well did she know Spencer, anyway?

It was thoughts like this that plagued her usually sensible mind and usually confident interior. It was feelings like the warmth of love that made her the most insecure, because she couldn't bear to lose what she felt she couldn't ever have. Her heels clicked along the marble floors and she leaned over to press the yellow elevator button. Two floors and another wall around her heart later, the doors dinged open and she started out.

Spencer was standing there, waiting.

Ashley's breath caught in suprise and hesitation- that instant, telling, cold hesitation that expressed everything that was wrong about this situation. Because she wanted to forget about the kiss and the wedding and she wanted to shove Spencer far away in the very same moment. She was hurt and she was in love.

"Hey." Spencer said, stepping closer, hand reaching. Ashley couldn't stop her instinctive step backwards and Spencer's eyes widened imperceptibly before she pulled her hand back and paused awkwardly, mid-step. "Ashley, I just want-"

"I have to go toast." Ashley excused herself, the last word sounding fake and cold.She started to step around Spencer, but the blonde caught her elbow and Ashley couldn't make herself pull away. Spencer leaned closer, torturously near, and Ashley felt warmth breath on her cheek, on her ear. She pulled away.

"Ash-"

"I'll talk to you later." The words were so impersonal and far away that they leant familarity to the conversation, because the seperation was obviously forced and obviously painful. They were obviously wrapped close together, despite cold shoulders and fingertips that didn't quite reach arms. Ashley crossed the room almost unnoticed- Paul's excuse had apparently worked -except for her mother and Spencer's gaze. They followed her path to Paul, the fingertips that did reach his arm and the words breathed low into his ear. Spencer felt her face get hot, her eyes threaten tears, and she stiffened, crossed her arms tight over her chest. She resisted the urge to run away.

She stayed.

Through toasts made to Ashley and Paul and their happiness and through Christine coming over to stand close and offer silent support. She knew, Spencer had realized. Through Justin walking by and giving her a soft smile- smirk? -and having to return it even though she could have slapped him. She stayed, which wasn't something she was exactly known for. She wasn't much of a commiter. But maybe she and Ashley had that in common. When things had slowed and everyone was making their way toward tables for dinner, Spencer tried to talk to Ashley again. But the look on the brunette's face and the way her eyes contradicted it stopped her in her tracks. It _hurt_ to look into Ashley's eyes. They were so cold and torn and Spencer almost couldn't believe that Ashley would get so worked up over something, but then she thought about the way she wanted to scream whenever Paul touched Ashley and it didn't seem so odd.

It did seem odd that she was shoving Spencer so far away instead of grasping on tightly. But Ashley was Ashley and Spencer let her have an inch of space. She didn't try to talk to her at the long table, although she did have to sit two seats down, next to Kyla who was next to Christine who was next to Ashley who was too far away-metaphoricall, literally. She didn't stare to her right the whole dinner, although her eyes flitted that way when she wasn't physically stopping herself.

It hurt, this thing they were going through. Stung more than anything, because there was a lack of trust that had possibly never grown in their sordid affair. Possibly never grew in _any_ affair, because trust and secret sex don't exactly mesh. The dinner dragged on, Kyla's thoughtful eyes on Spencer. Spencer didn't talk much, because she was afraid she would give away her confusion with fumbled subjects and trailing eyes.

They were done a couple hours later, near twelve thirty, and Spencer was so tired she could hardly think. Her head was throbbing and her feet were aching. The previous few days had screwed her over. She sighed and pushed backwards in her chair. She was going to find Ashley and she had to do it before she lost it and the tears threatening spilled down her face. She took a deep breath, felt her body relax, the tears recede and her body calm. Ashley was hovering near a corner talking to family and sipping at a champagne flute. Eyes locked on the older couple as she laughed.

Spencer felt rejected, angry, hurt. She felt unfair. She was pissed and she could barely feel the love that seemed to be the only thing keeping them together.

When she reached Ashley she put a hand on the girl's familiar arm and leaned closer than she should have.

"Can I borrow her for a sec?" Spencer asked the pair in front of Ashley. The old lady smiled and nodded, exchanged goodbyes with Ashley, and the old man winked. Spencer gave them the fakest smile she'd had to employ in a while. Ashley pulled from her grasp. She didn't say anything, just turned toward the floor length windows and stared at her reflection in the yellow glare. Her arms were crossed, the hand holding the champagne raised near her chin. Spencer couldn't say anything.

"This is my rehersal dinner." Ashley broke. Her voice didn't, her stance didn't, but inside her resolve cracked. "This is it- right here." Her voice grew a little higher, a little desperate, as her eyes stared into her own eyes. "This should be good. But it isn't, because I-" The syllable died out slowly. She wanted to say "I'm crushed because I just saw the love of my life kissing someone else" or "I don't really love my husband" or just "I don't feel _right_."

"Don't do this Ashley." And suddenly Spencer was begging, although her voice stayed steady and her tone was commanding. And suddenly the whole conversation was about so much more than just lips that had betrayed her- it was the wedding in barely a day. It was finality.

"I can't do it. I _can't_." Ashley turned toward the blonde, gesturing with her glass, and she wasn't sure what the hell _this_ was. She didn't know if it was the continuation or the end. But she knew it was shattering, she knew it was wrong, she knew all she needed to. She didn't know a thing. Spencer sighed once, fingers on her forehead, and felt her resolve slip.

"Then don't. But please just stop." The words were quiet, a plea, and Spencer couldn't meet the brown eyes searching for her own. There was a painful silence.

"I have to go."

"Yeah. You do." Spencer said. Paul was waiting by the door, pretending to talk but really watching them. Ashley relaxed her posture and tried to look like she hadn't just been arguing with the woman she loved.

"I can't- not tonight. Please not tonight." Ashley said quietly.

"When, Ash? When the fuck am I supposed to, I can't keep-"

"Tomorrow. At our spot?" Spencer stayed silent for a long moment. She wasn't just at Ashley's beck and call, she wouldn't just fall back into this. But there was a day, a day between the end. Of what god only knew, but it was coming.

"At ten." Spencer agreed, and turned to leave.

"Spencer. Um, hug?" Ashley could barely force the words out. "So Paul won't ask why we were fighting?" She was choking on her own syllables. Spencer didn't say a word, could barely breathe from the injustice, the pain of it all. She stepped closer and Ashley mirrored the move. She had planned a short, barely friendly embrace, but the way Ashley's arms just reached around her, then started to pull away, made her half-desperate and she pulled tighter. She buried her face in Ashley's neck in a movement full of pure need, pure reliance. Ashley responded even harder, pressing Spencer as close as she could get her, running a hand down her back. Both trying to look normal, neither completely succeeding.

Before Specner pulled away, a lone tear had trailed it's way down her face.

She wiped it away surreptiously and didn't smile. She walked away.

Ashley crossed her arms tight around herself once, eyes latched onto Spencer's retreating form, and then forced them down and started toward the door. Tore her eyes away from Spencer. Her heels pressed into the soft carpet. Paul's smiled at her from the door and she returned it. It ached to do it, but she was growing used to it. She blinked once when that thought crossed her mind.

Before she reached Paul and her excape, Madison appeared from the side. She was smirking- she was always smirking, Ashley thought.

"Hey girl." She said, falling into step.

"Hey." Ashley said calmly.

"I saw you with Spencer. Everything okay?" And then Ashley knew that Madison knew and that just hurt so much more, because she had seen Spencer kissing Paul as well. And Ashley didn't think it could hurt any worse. This was it. There wasn't a piece of her that wasn't just _aching_ with need and betrayal and hurt. With want.

"Yeah." She managed." "It's fine." She brushed past Madison, who stepped away at the calm. When she reached Paul she just smiled and took his arm.

Ten feet back, Madison stared at Ashley walking away. There was supopsed to be revenge sex and barely concealed anger and not just...pain. Ashley didn't do pain, she did anger. Ashley did pain for her mom and for Kyla and she just fucked right back for everyone else and...Madison realized what she should have accepted from the beginning.

Ashley was in love with Spencer Carlin.

And she may have just ruined it. She actually kind of felt bad about it. Disappointed, shocked, and _guilty_. She sighed.

IOIOIOI

Paul was stumbling drunk. He fumbled with the keys, laughed into Ashley's shoulder, and almost missed the first step of the stairs. Ashley smiled awkwardly and tried not to just leave him passed out in the foyer or something. They tripped over to the living room couch, Ashley under his arms and barely holding him up. He dropped onto the couch and patted the spot beside him. She only hesitated for a half-second, but she thought maybe he noticed.

"Are you okay?" He asked, swinging an arm around her shoulders. She stayed rigid, looking over his face, the way his eyes were slightly wide and concerned. The drunken haze coating it all.

"Paul, we have to..." She started, but couldn't keep going.

"Yeah?" He asked, leaning closer.

She couldn't do it. She couldn't do it while he was drunk, because he wouldn't remember it the next morning and she could only do it once. She could only break his heart with all those admissions once. She couldn't do it.

He was still questioning with his gaze. She was still silent.

"Nothing." She smiled shortly. "You get some sleep." She kissed his cheek, tried to distance herself. He let out a heavy sigh and fluttered his lips.

"Alright, if you gotta be like that." He lifted his hands out. And he grinned. She barely smiled back. She left him sideways on the couch, arm thrown over his eyes, already seconds from sleep. She trudged upstairs and shed her gorgeous dress, wiped away the makeup in the mirror, took out her earrings. She crawled into bed in a tank and loose boxers.

That was when the tears came.


	21. shout out loud

**Chapter Twenty-One : shout out loud**

Ashley, rubbing at her eyes and stumbling down the stairs, felt different in the morning. It was a gorgeous morning, soft and warm and welcoming, and she felt changed in that early light. It wasn't the sort of drastic, life changing feeling; it didn't make her see things in a totally different light and it sure as hell didn't make her want to do anthing different. But she could see. She could really see for the first time in a long time- without the blurs of real or imagined expectations and without the complications of twisted love.

She could see past the present.

And as she pulled her hair into a messy bun and padded into the kitchen she saw something she hadn't been expecting- Paul was sitting at the kitchen table with a steaming cup of coffee and the newspaper. It was a regular ocurence, but Ashley had expected him to be conked out on the couch. He tilted his head back for the regular morning kiss, but Ashley had stopped in her tracks. She shook out of quickly and smiled gently, but didn't move toward him. Instead, she went to the counter. She heard the thunk of Paul's coffee on the table and the flutter of the dropped newspaper.

"Ashley." She kept pouring coffee. "Do you want to talk about this? The way you've been acting for the past week? You've been...distant." She didn't answer. She poured creamer into her coffee. "Ashley." A pause. "Is this about the wedding?"

"It's not cold feet, Paul." She answered, finally, and turned to him, shaking sugar into her mug. She grabbed a spoon he had left out for her and started stirring. "It's something else." She was cold, suddenly. She hated this.

It was happening. A month in coming and here it was, quite suddenly, bearing down on her, bearing down on him.

"What is it." It was barely a question, it was asking for knowledge he didn't want to hear. It was asking for his own doubts to be spoken aloud. Ashley abandoned her coffee on the counter.

"Paul, you know that-"

"It's just cold feet, Ash. Just sit down, come on, calm down." He must have heard something in her tone, some warning, because he started grasping blindly. It hurt, because she was done grasping. She was calm. It was wrong.

"Paul, I'm so sorry-" He chopped off her sentence, cold anger in his voice.

"No you don't get to do this-"

"It's not gonna work, we're not gonna work. I don't want to hurt you, but I can't marry you." She met his eyes, his growing angry eyes, and she moved forward as he moved up out of his seat. She stilled by the bar.

"One more day Ashley! One more! You waited until now?!" He was yelling now, swinging his arms out and Ashley would have been scared except it was _Paul_.

"I didn't know, I didn't know until now, until it was here, and I can't _do_ it."

"It's cold feet, that's all it is." Something in his voice said it wasn't. Ashley took a short breath, and when she spoke next her voice was so soft and so truthful that it literally froze Paul.

"I can't love you like you deserve. I can't love you." There was a long pause.

"Ashley you cannot do this. You cannot leave me. This is-this is crazy. We're getting _married_." He bypassed her last sentence. She was crying, his eyes were welling, this was so wrong.

"I have to. I have to leave."

"You don't just-it's not right."

"I'm in love with someone else."

The world stopped. It was so silent, no sound, just Paul's shock and his disbelief.

"I can't believe you." Ashley was crying, tears that she couldn't feel. She didn't know why she was crying, but she was close to sobbing as her plans crumbled before her. As Paul's heart crumbled before her. So wrong.

"I'm sorry."

"You're not who I thought you were." Paul brushed past her, into the foyer. Scooping up his coat and his keys. "I'll be back in a couple hours and I expect you to actually make some sense then." The door opened. "This is just cold feet." The resounding slam made Ashley jump a little. Seconds passed in silence and she stopped crying. She didn't deserve to cry.

But she had said it. She had started the end. And the beginning.

God, it didn't feel real.

IOIOIOI

Nine fifty-three. Her phone said it was nine fifty-three and her foot beating an uneven time on the cement told her she was way to nervous. But the thing was, she couldn't have been nervous enough. This was it. This was admittance.

She was nervous.

So nervous her hands were sweating and her fingers were shaking a little when she pulled out her phone to check the time again. Nine fifty-four. Seconds passed as slowly as they could, just to drive her insane. They ticked by, counting away the moments where her life was the same and counting down to the moment when everything would change.

She didn't know if it really would.

She still didn't know about the kiss- what it had been about. Maybe it had been a drunken mistake, or an act of desperation, a short escape. But she knew she could forgive Spencer for it, because if one person understood desperation it was Ashley. But if it had meant something to Spencer, because maybe Ashley didn't mean enough, then Ashley didn't know what would happen.

But she wasn't going to back out now.

She had just left Paul and she would be lying if she said it was all for Spencer. But she would be lying if she said the blonde girl didn't have something do with it. They were all wrapped up, all too close. She needed her here, now. To make things sane and to promise some sort of future.

She waited.

Bounced her foot up and down to a silent beat and checked her phone every other minute. The clouds slowly started to clear and the warm sun slid out, its rays rolling over her body. The grass turned a few shades greener. The moms and the kids and the dogs came out and she sat on her and Spencer's bench. And tapped her foot.

Sometime after eleven thirty, she realized Spencer wasn't coming. She realized it, but she still didn't leave. She slid quickly into denial and learned she was very good at it. The sun grew even warmer and the grass greener and her heart squeezed in her chest until she knew it would burst, but she didn't move. Her foot stopped moving. Her phone stayed in her pocket.

At twelve thirty, she stood up and walked away. She was stronger. It came like a wave, washing over her and crashing, leaving her with abilities she hadn't known she'd had. She was strong. And even if she did need Spencer a little (a lot), she could make it. No tears fell. Things changed.

IOIOIOI

"I knew." Were the first words Ashley heard when Paul walked into the kitchen, still in his coat, keys clutched in his hands. Ashley was staring out the window into the backyard where she had fled after she and Spencer had first-she couldn't move anymore. She was frozen by rejection, which never happened. But this was Spencer and she should have been used to the "never"s that were occurring more and more frequently.

"You knew." Ashley echoed, but it held a hint of accusation, a meaning all its' own.

"I knew, but I tried not to." Paul continued, keys jingling as he moved them through his fingers. Ashley was facing him now, but his eyes were lost and away from her. "I thought I loved you Ashley, but I don't know anymore. I don't think this is cold feet."

There was silence.

"I'm sorry, Paul." Ashley's voice was pure apology, pure truth. He nodded absently. "I should have said something sooner, I shouldn't have waited until now. It's not cold feet." His keys stopped jingling.

"I'm gonna leave. I'm gonna go to a hotel and stay, and I'm gonna- not see you for a while. If this changes, if any of this changes- well, I don't know. I don't know if that will help anything." He was looking at his feet then, but he brought his head up and met her eyes. "I don't know what to think." Every word was carefully expressed, calmly stated, and Ashley wasn't hurt by it. It didn't feel as wrong anymore. It felt a long time coming. "I'm gonna, uh, I'm gonna come back tonight, around seven. Please don't be here. And the wedding. Call it off."

"Okay." Ashley agreed quietly, but she didn't think he heard her. He was gone seconds later, out in a flight of footsteps and the quiet shut of the door. She turned back in her chair and busied herself staring out the window, watching the grass sway. Thinking about Spencer and the way things would be. Should have bee.

Around five, she left.


	22. swans

**Chapter Twenty-Two : swans**

Her mom had left it in the hotel room.

She let the valet park her car and shoved her hands in her pockets as she trudged into the massive hotel lobby. The chandelier was dropping spots of golden light onto the floor and people were bustling around. Five o'clock was apparently a busy time for hotels. She made her way over to the checkout desk and leaned her elbows on the edge.

"Hey. I'm Ashley Davies. Can I have my room key?" She didn't smile, she just looked at the lady with big, tired eyes. The woman grinned though.

"Oh, the bride! We're so happy to have you here." She said. Ashley gave her a polite smile.

"Me too." She lied quietly, pushing the words through her lips. She sighed, looking out over the lobby while the woman rustled under the desk for her card.

She had made the call to her mom in the car. Both hands tight on the wheel, phone on speaker in the seat beside her. There had been tears in her voice, but she had stopped them from spilling onto her face. It was over. It was finally over and she was alone.

"Here you go, ma'm." The lady held the card out. Ashley nodded and took it without meeting the woman's eyes. She found her way to the elevator and then down the hall to her suite. She felt empty, listless almost. When she clicked open the door, Christine was already there with half-red eyes and open arms. Ashley collapsed into them.

Her mom had left it in the hotel room- that gorgeous, pure white wedding dress that Spencer had kissed her in. It was floating from a hanger on the closet door, sweeping down to the carpet in trails, beads reflecting the soft light. And as Ashley held onto her mother, she saw it. It hurt her right in her chest, grasped onto her fragile heart and _squeezed_, until she couldn't breathe and she needed Spencer more than air. She couldn't _breathe_.

Her mom tightened her arms for a second and then let her go. Ashley stepped away, wiping at the wetness on her face.

"Ash, honey."

"I don't know what I'm doing Mom, I mean I do, I know I had to leave him, I couldn't, but now-" She choked once, hiccuped, and wiped a hand across her eyes. Christine had to stop herself from gathering the girl back into her arms and trying to protect her from the world.

"You did what you had to." Christine agreed lightly. Ashley nodded.

"Will you call Kyla?" Ashley asked, slowly calming down. Christine nodded and pulled out her cell phone. When she moved away to talk in private, Ashley walked over to the wedding dress hanging in the closet and lifted her fingers, slowly, reverently, to it. It meant something she had just lost and it reminded her of something she couldn't lose. It had been there at the start and she wanted it to be there at the end- scratch that, she just wanted an end. Anything but not knowing.

Spencer hadn't shown. And she didn't know why, she didn't understand, but then again she sort of did. Because she had put the younger girl through so much that to ask for a meeting the day before her wedding, to ask for that sort of forgiveness; well, it wasn't something she would have given. She wouldn't have been able to.

She pulled out her phone and tried calling the girl for the twentieth time since Paul had left, but it went straight to voicemail. Once again. She sighed and pushed it back into her pocket. Christine came to stand beside her, and they ended up beside each other in plush amrchairs.

It was quiet, and neither said much. There's this quiet after the storm, where everything is washed away and new beginnings are blooming, but there's still so much past that will never go. Still so much pain. So Ashley didn't say much, just wrapped herself up in her own thoughts and let Christine be her ground.

When they finally started talking, the words slid between the silence like they had been waiting to be uncovered. They appeared out of nowhere and flowed between them, both knowing what the other would say. The admissions, the quiet scolds, the total understanding.

It was quiet. And none of it felt wrong.

Hesitant taps on the door pulled them from their conversation. Christine stood up, Ashley just watched the door half-warily. When it clicked open and Kyla stepped inside gripping a key card, Ashley pushed herself out of the chair at the same time the girl practically tackled her with a hug. Ashley gripped her and Kyla whispered it was going to be okay into her ear. Ashley's breaths came heavy.

"I'm sorry." Ashley breathed into her ear.

"For what?" Kyla whispered back.

"For breaking him the way you were, for-"

"No, no Ash, _I'm sorry_. I got too caught up- I'm sorry." She pulled back to look into her sister's eyes. There was confusion and, of course, pain. "I said some things to Spencer that I shouldn't have. I'm sorry for that." Ashley looked at her long and hard, didn't speak for a moment, and then pulled herself out of it. Looked at the big picture.

"It doesn't matter now. She won't see me." She didn't say anything else about it. Madison was hovering by the hotel door and Ashley smiled and opened her arms. Madison gave her the quickest thing that could be considered a hug and then pulled away. When Ashley turned back, her mom and Kyla were regarding her with cautious eyes.

"So, who wants to get unbelievably drunk?" Ashley smirked half-heartily. Christine smiled gently and Kyla chuckled.

"We have to cancel stuff, Ash." Kyla said, flopping down on the couch. "Just cos you called off the wedding, doesn't mean you _called off the wedding_."

"Oh." Ashley found a spot beside Kyla.

"You know we love you no matter what, right?" Kyla asked, rubbing Ashley's shoulder. The older girl nodded. "Good. Cos you fucked up majorly this time." Kyla raised her eyebrows as Ashley swatted her. Christine rolled her eyes. Madison was trying to be forgotten out on the balcony.

"So, caterers first..." Christine started. Ashley didn't understand how they could just move forward. She had forgotten that they were her's. They were on her side, no matter what, or how or why, they would back her up against anything. And she had forgotten that. She had a whole freaking army right beside her and it felt unbelivably safe to have them come running. Because sometimes, you just need somebody to come running.

They worked through every aspect of the wedding, through every company and individual that Christine and Ashley had been talking with for the past months. They called the important ones, scribbled down notes on hotel pads, and Ashley felt in a daze. It was all slipping away, being given away, so efficiently and swiftly. Her carefully constructed life was being canceled with a series of phone calls and apologies.

Maybe that was an exaggeration. But she felt it.

They moved through the companies, the guests in town, and the church; finally decided to split up the calls and cancellations between them so they could go home. They went through everything until they reached the one person they couldn't tiptoe around anymore.

Spencer wouldn't answer Ashley's calls. And Christine didn't feel right doing it, and Madison had just shook her head no and kept away from Ashley's eyes, so they ended up forcing Kyla to do it. They all knew, by then, and though none of them would speak it aloud, they all wondered.

They went their seperate ways, with lists of people to call, of things to cancel, a long night of disappointments.

But Kyla never called Spencer.

IOIOIOI

It was ten in the morning when Spencer blinked her eyes open to stare at the cool, metal clock beside her bed. Birds were twirping happily outside and she was burrowed under layers of covers. She shoved them off and flipped over onto her back.

Today was Ashley's wedding day.

And she hadn't shown yesterday, had spent the hours locked in her room with music blaring in her ears, and she was so messed at the moment that there was no thought in her head that would stay still. She spent slow minutes staring at the ceiling and letting ideas and daydreams rush between her ears.

She went down the stairs to the smell of coffee brewing and cool air on her bare arms. When she stepped onto the tiles she caught sight of her mother bending over her coffee mug with a bleary look on her face.

"Morning." Spencer said. Paula winced.

"Morning." He voice was ragged and rough. Hungover. Spencer's eyes lingered on the older woman's face, at the laugh lines and the creases in her forehead- breaks in her skin that told stories. Spencer had been in half those stories, some time a while ago. But Paula didn't laugh much anymore and she didn't work, so she stopped getting new wrinkles, forming new stories. Her face was the same as it had been five years ago, would stay the same possibly forever, and Spencer could barely stand to look at the woman sometimes. She was still broken and Spencer had pulled herself back together.

Suddenly, Paula's gaze shoot up and though a flash of pain echoed through her eyes she spoke quickly.

"Isn't Ashley's wedding today? Why aren't you gone? I thought you'd-"

"I'm not going." Spencer answered, cutting her off. She poured herself a cup of coffee and stirred creamer into it. Paula sat in complete silence.

"What?" She finally asked, turned in her chair to study Spencer, who in turn studied the yard outside the window.

"I'm not going." Spencer repeated. It felt steady, something she had repeated in her mind a hundred times the past nights, and totally anti-climatic. She wasn't going.

She just couldn't.

"You're not going." Paula said, a hint of disdain or confusion in her voice. Spencer didn't reply. Paula turned back to her coffee. There should have been words, maybe, and questions, but Paula didn't really do those anymore. And Spencer had stopped feeling sorry for herself a while ago. She sipped her coffee, watched the sun dance on the familiar green lawn outside, and felt removed. Denial wasn't just a river in Eygpt.

IOIOIOI

Spencer tapped her fingers against the dark wood table, watching her silver fork dance a little with every movement of her fingers. Her hair was loose, wavy around her face and half held back, and a lock had escaped to dangle by the side of her face. Aiden paused by her side and tucked it behind her ear in an intimate, instinctive way. Spencer glanced up with surprised, crystal blue eyes and Aiden smiled slowly.

"You know, when I said call me sometime I didn't think you actually would." Aiden admitted, walking a couple more steps and sitting down across from her. Spencer smiled almost wistfully and studied his wavy hair, perfect as usual.

"Well...I had a free lunch, so..."

"No wedding?" Aiden looked down at the menu and tossed the words between them carelessly. He could always be counted on to accept Spencer without question, and now was one of the times she was thankful for it.

"No wedding." She confirmed. "At least not one I'm going to." Aiden studied her for a second, wondering if she knew about the cancellation or if she just wasn't going. Something in the daze through her eyes and the slow movements of her fingers told him she didn't know. Told him there were things missing and broken that he couldn't see, and that they mostly had to do with the now non-existent wedding.

"You decided not to go?" He asked, turning his eyes away. Fishing for answers. Playing a game that wasn't meant to hurt her.

"Yeah." Was all she said. She had no answer for him. She thought maybe he already had an idea.

"You know that it-"

"Hi, I'm Meredith and I'll be your waitress today. What can I get you to drink?" A girl appeared, smiling brightly. Spencer glanced up and smiled back briefly.

"Water, please."

"The same." Aiden said.

"I'll be right back." Meredith disappeared.

"Know what?" Spencer asked, still studying the menu. Aiden paused and made a split-second decision.

"Uh, that it's supposed to pour today, later."

"Yeah?"

"Yep."

IOIOIOI

"The caterers couldn't cancel all the food." Was the first thing Ashley heard when she answered the phone. Kyla's was talking fast and Ashley heard cars in the background. "They already made some of it and some of it is coming in from places and we put down a waiver or something- I don't know. But we're still getting some of it."

"Ok." Ashley said. She was sitting on her mom's front porch sipping a glass of water and trying to relax.

"So, you have to come down here to the reception hall and help us eat it and pack it up. Figure out what to do with all of it." She's was still talking fast, nervous about something.

"Alright." As the word left her mouth, Kyla pulled up in front of the house, grinning from the driver's seat.

"Ready?" She yelled from out the window. Ashley glanced down at the comfortable jeans and band tee she had on.

"Yeah." She called back, a little unsurely. She grabbed her phone from the table beside her and left her water dripping condensation onto the wood. Her feet tapped down the steps and she stepped into the soft grass. When she pulled open the car door with a tiny squeak, Kyla was eyeing her carefully.

"Are you okay?" She asked, as Ashley pulled the door shut.

"Yeah." Ashley said quietly. "As good as I'm gonna get." She smiled tiredly at her half-sister and then faced out the window as Kyla pulled away from the curb.

"Christine's at your house picking up some stuff. We gotta go get her." Kyla said as she pulled around the corner. She paused, about to say or ask or something, but Ashley cut her off.

"Yeah, I know." Ashley mumbled. She hadn't been able to go back for the fear that Paul would be there. She couldn't deal with him and she couldn't call him to ask if he'd be gone, so she had asked Christine to go. The older woman had left ten minutes before and called to tell Ashley that Paul was gone and "from the look of things, probably for good". Ashley didn't know what that meant. She was too tired to ask.

They pulled up at her house, though she wasn't sure if she could call it that for much longer, and Kyla put the car in park. They sat for a second. Christine's car was in the driveway and the door was cracked a little. There was a heaviness in the air made of all the things coming down on them, slowly descending and threatening to crush everything in the way; and everything included Ashley's weakening heart. For every second she didn't see Spencer it thumped a little heavier, sunk a little lower. Ashley sighed and pushed open the door before Kyla could try to have a deep converstion with her. She couldn't think.

When she stepped into her house- and now she didn't couldn't call it that -her eyes widened and she literally gasped. There was stuff _everywhere_. There was mess and broken and crap just _everywhere_. Things that had made it her home were lying crushed, smashed on the ground, the couch was overturned, there was glass on the stairs. A long, angry scratch stretched down the foyer wall. Christine stood at the end of the hallway holding picture frames in her hands and she looked up when Ashley entered. Her eyes softened and she placed the frames quickly on the table beside her, moving fast, and she frowned deeply as she gathered her gasping daughter in her arms. Ashley couldn't cry anymore, she was barely breathing. She just gasped into her mother's shoulder, dry sobbing, not able to comprehend what a literal mess her life now was.

How broken everything would have to be and how shattered it would become before she could start to rebuild it. It felt too imposing. She couldn't _breathe_.

She needed Spencer.

IOIOIOI

"So, how's L.A. been? Still home?" Aiden asked as he pushed around his salad. Spencer almost laughed. It was home more than ever, it was too much home. And how it had been...it had been everything. And nothing. It had seemed everything and turned into nothing. Was she going crazy?

"It's been fine. Still home, unfortunately." She settled for half-truths, the way she had been all afternoon. Aiden paused for a tangible second and Spencer looked up expectantly.

"You want to get out of here?" He asked in such a cliche, but perfectly fitting way; just knowing.

"Yeah." She sighed, relieved. He waved the waitress over and looked back at her.

"Go wait in the car, I'll be there in a second." Such a guy, but she loved him for it. Pushing her chair back, she glanced down at her untouched food. It was Ashley's wedding day. The girl she was wrapped around, twisted into, was marrying someone else today. She was standing in the back of the church in the gorgeous white dress Spencer had kissed her in, fixing her hair in the floor length mirror, laughing excitedly with Kyla and Spencer knew, painfully, without doubt, that Ashley was thinking of her.

That's what hurt the most.

The way they could have it, and they didn't. That's what made it burn so harshly. She would walk down that aisle with the booming organ and look to the left for the familair blonde. Spencer wouldn't be there. There'd be a bit of empty and Ashley would keep walking and she would look at Paul and she would _marry_ Paul. They would run out with rice drifting around them into a cozy limo- there would be dancing and laughter and champagne and, slowly, Ashley would forget about Spencer.

The day was going to be hell.

Spencer choked in a breath. She hated how it came so suddenly, out of nowhere, this panic and loss. She would be fine, talking and breathing, and then it would hit her like a mack truck. Sideline her with harsh realizations. She was still walking, edging out into the sunny parking lot, keys on her fingers. She wanted to forget, but at the same time she needed the ache so that she could overcome it. She had to grow used to it. She knew these things.

You can't run from them.

It felt dead already- the thing between her and Ashley. She knew it wasn't, knew it was still burning wildly between them and just seperated, but it felt better to pretend that it was over with.

When Aiden reached the car Spencer was playing with the radio, switching stations, and he slid in a Cd as he cranked the car. He backed out expertly and spoke to her the same way- with the confident knowledge of doing things he had done a millions times before.

"Let's go to the beach." He said, but it was a quiet question as much as a suggestion.

"Good idea." Spencer agreed, because she always did. That was their place.

IOIOIOI

The reception hall was littered and messy. Tables were randomly set up in corners and in the middle of the room; completely covered in food, flowers, silverware, and an insane amount of napkins. Ashley's wedding dress hung obviously near the kitchen, swaying with the movements of the staff. She gazed at it almost wistfully, almost distastefully, almost dejectedly. Kyla was latched onto her arm, pulling her toward a long stretch of tables that were steaming with food. She handed her sister a plate and tugged her down the line.

Ashley had been quiet for most of the ride, shocked into silence by Paul's destruction. He had left an apology scribbled on a leftover wedding invitation- a jab that was meant to sting. He had suceeded- with the mess, with the broken. He had shattered her life to pieces the way she had his. She started loading food onto her plate, although she wasn't hungry. Kyla had been joking and laughing with her the whole way, but she barely chuckled back. She was lost, now.

Christine walked by and squeezed her shoulder. Madison avoided her eyes from across the table. Slowly, she calmed down on the inside as well as the out. She should have been expecting this, sooner or later. He had to break. She just hadn't been expecting _that_. She flicked her gaze across the room. Gorgeous flowers were strewn everywhere. It was as if the wedding had been frozen in the middle of it's construction. And, actually, it had.

"Better?" Kyla barely whispered beside her. The younger girl read her like a favorite novel.

"A little." Ashley breathed back. Kyla stopped for a second and rested her hand on Ashley's shoulder.

"It's gonna be ok."


	23. my doorbell

**Chapter Twenty-Three: my doorbell**

Kyla realized, halfway through a bite of chicken, that she had forgotten to call Spencer.

It was an absolutely terrifying realization- possibly the scariest she'd ever experienced.

She had put it off and put it off, saving it for last so that hopefully the blonde would be asleep and she could just leave a short, quiet voicemail, but then she had put down the last list and laid back for a second and then it was ten in the morning. And she had other stuff on her mind that had nothing to do with Spencer and the girl hadn't entered her thoughts conciously until right now and she thought maybe she was hyperventilating.

"Holyshit holyshit holyshit..." Streamed out of her mouth as she dropped her paper plate onto the ground and shot to her feet. She was fumbling for her cell phone as six pairs of eyes turned up toward her. She was jogging toward the door when Christine opened her mouth.

"Kyla?"

She shoved the door shut with one hand as the fingers of her other pushed frantically through her address book. She found Spencer's name and clicked the little green button. She waited anxiously. It rang once, twice- God, what was she gonna say? -three times, four- Kyla started breathing a little lighter -five, six- "Hi, this is Spencer's phone, leave a message and I'll get back to you."

Kyla sighed, eyes still frantically looking into nothing. _Beep_. She spoke slowly, eyes on the sky, voice half nervous.

"Hey, it's Kyla. I've got some major news that you need to hear. Ashley isn't- she's not going through with the wedding. Maybe you could call her? She really needs a friend. And I know that...well, thanks." She closed the phone.

She had fucked up. Majorly. Oh my god had she screwed things over and Ashley couldn't forgive her for this. She put the phone in her pocket and turned back to the door, but didn't go in. Her fingers rested on it, her chest still thumping with frantic and there was no way she could fix this. And she couldn't hide anything else. She had to tell Ashley this.

She trudged back inside with slow feet, feeling guilty for good reason. When she reached their small group all rounded in a circle, she stopped beside Ashley. All eyes were on her except for the half-broken brunette's. Kyla stood stockstill and scared.

"Ash, I gotta-"

"You didn't call her, did you?" Ashley looked up from her spot on the ground. She didn't tell Kyla that she had been hoping all day that that had been the case. She didn't speak her now confirmed hopes, because it just wasn't right. That wasn't right. That was lives and loves and Kyla should have had more respect and should have cared more. It wasn't right. Kyla found her half-sister's eyes, her own brimming with surprise.

"No, I didn't; I forgot-"

"Did you do it now?" Ashley was watching her intently and Kyla prayed that the older girl could see the pure accident, the stupid, stupid action- or lack thereof.

"Yeah, I just did." She confirmed. Still, Ashley just looked at her, with that long-suffering gaze- but something was broken in it. Something had been pushed a little past repair.

"I don't know what to do with you, Kyla." Ashley said softly, so that the words barely breached the growing gap between them. "How could you...?" The question was left hanging and Kyla's heart was breaking, because she and Ashley were supposed to get through everything. Ashley just sighed and looked away. There was silence from everyone else.

Finally, Kyla glanced up at the ceiling once to push back tears and walked away. She knew Ashley better than anyone, and she knew she had to go. This was a breaking point.

Once the younger sister had left, the breath went back into the group. Christine watched Ashley carefully out of the corner of her eye and carried on a stilted conversation with one of the cooks. There was a lingering muffle over them as long as Ashley stared into her plate and didn't say a word.

IOIOIOI

The waves were sounding against the shore, melding into a steady crash and roar that set background noise to her and Aiden's voices. This was the way it had been for a long time, since they were three and hurling sand at each other, since they were twelve and just noticing bared skin. Till now, when they were as close as they could bear to be anymore.

Spencer shifted on the hood of the car. They were parked at the end of the parking lot, where it rose over the dunes and their gaze could travel over the water. Specner could taste the salt when she took a deep breath in. She could almost feel the icy shock of the water. Aiden was leaning forward, elbows on his knees, eyebrows furrowed. He stared at the low clouds and foaming waves as if they would wash away things he couldn't stand.

"You're quiet today." Spencer commented. She was lying back on the car and staring up at the clear blue, cold sky. She could feel the blue in it, close and far, far away and she wondered if she was surrounded by blue, if the sky reached all the way down to her and a film of blue covered everything, even the emptiness.

"Not much to say." Aiden said simply, never moving his eyes.

"That's what you say when you're hiding something." Spencer said. But she wasn't concerned. Nothing Aiden was hiding could affect her. Her heart felt mushed and out of shape. She couldn't feel.

"Ashley didn't get married." For a second, Spencer thought she misheard him. She kept staring at the sky and waited for him to really say something and erase her fantasy. She folded her fingers together. He stayed silent.

"What?" She asked, and she meant for it to come out strong and assertive, but the letters died in her throat and it came out hurt and timid. Aiden just barely tilted his head down.

"From what I heard, she called it off. Don't know why." He did. Spencer still didn't move. Seconds dragged on. Then, her heart started beating again.

"Asshole." She said quickly, sliding off the hood and around into the car, the keys already in her hand. She started the engine as she locked the doors. Aiden was banging on the side, but she squealed off and left him yelling and waving his arms. Why did everyone let her down when she needed them most? Why was she letting go of the one person who hadn't?

She pulled onto the highway in Aiden's expensive sports car and put the gas pedal to good use.

IOIOIOI

Ashley's fingers brushed over the long dress hanging on the wall.

"It seems like a waste to never wear it." She said. Christine stood a table down, rifling through flowers and picking out the dead ones. They were donating them to some cementary- Ashley had forgotten the name of it. It seemed totally depressing to donate unused wedding flowers to a graveyard.

"Then put it on." The older woman told her without looking up. Ashley glanced over, surprised.

"Do you think that's a good idea?" She asked, fingers still idly pushing around clear beads.

"Maybe, maybe not." Christine looked up and met her daughter's almost identical brown eyes. "But I think maybe you should, anyway." They locked eyes for a second before Ashley turned back.

"Ok." She said softly. She could still feel Spencer's mouth on her jaw, her fingertips running down the ridge of her spine, stomach pressed against her own. Spencer's hands light on her shoulders as she stood in the same dress hanging before her. The start of an end.

She pulled the hanger up and off the door and draped it carefully over her arm.

"Just once." She said, almost to herself. She walked past the still-working caterers and into the small powdering room off to the side. She ditched her clothes in a few second and carefully, so carefully, stepped into the cream creation. She pulled it up over her shoulders and reached behind to zip it. It was a few seconds before she had enough guts to turn and look at herself in the mirror. Behind her, the sun was setting slowly against a peach sky. Her form reflected in the mirror looked lost and ghostly. She wondered for an odd, brief second that if she were to die right then she would haunt the place like that, etheral and immeasurably sad.

But the slightest, barest twinkle in her eyes told her otherwise. Because she was still in love with Spencer Carlin. And when she shut her eyes for long moments she could see Spencer right in front of her, head titled just a fraction and clear blue eyes echoing the emotion Ashley felt slowly tearing through her heart.

She had to find her girl.

But she didn't know if she could do it right then.

IOIOIOI

Spencer had thirteen voicemails when she finally opened her phone.

Half of them were barely coherent rants and rambles left by a frantic Ashley, but the last two were sad and resigned and it made Spencer drive a little faster. The very last one was from Kyla, who was breathing a little heavily in the phone and said the words that Ashley had implied in every one of her messages. "_Ashley isn't going through with the wedding_."

It was like Christmas. Except with only one giant, life-changing present and all the elves were assholes who were trying to break them up. Spencer gripped the wheel tighter with one hand and dialed Kyla with the other. The girl answered on the second ring.

"Hello?"

"Where's Ashley?" Spencer couldn't hold back the words.

"Who is-Spencer?" Kyla questioned.

"Yeah."

"Thank god. She's at the reception hall." Kyla told the blonde. Spencer snapped the phone shut without hearing another word. She wasn't thinking, she was beyond that. She was running purely on instinct and relief and want. When she pulled into the parking lot next to the reception hall, she gazed out over the lake behind it. The sun was down behind the navy blue water and the sky was dark. She looked at it, took in the cold beauty, and stepped out of the car. The moon hovered, waiting to appear when the sun traveled the last few inches.

She slowed down, a little. Ashley was inside that hall somewhere surrounded by wedding stuff and Spencer had no idea what to say to her. How to remove the shards that were seperating them. She twirled the keys between her fingers and walked across the hot blacktop. Windows stretched across every inch of the white building and what she saw in one stopped her.

The keys stopped moving, she stopped moving, her brain froze for an instant. Ashley was in one of the windows, looking out at the lake and wearing her wedding dress. Her hair pulled up, the beads catching the last rays of light. Her face pale and sad. Lonely. Spencer turned away too soon to see the brunette look her way.

She fled. It was too much, too fast, so much relief and then the return of all that pain and hurt and need and she couldn't handle it. Not right then. Too much, too fast. And why was Ashley in a wedding dress? Was it true, did she really call it off? Or was Kyla screwing with her, Kyla had come between them before. Was it? Too much, way too fast. Ashley didn't feel her's anymore, and her body in that wedding dress branded her as Paul's. That dress was her and Paul's and maybe...maybe Ashley hadn't even ended it for the reasons Spencer wished she had.

Spencer walked away.

Ashley followed her.


	24. staplegunned part 2

**Chapter Twenty-Four: staplegunned prt. 2**

She wasn't really sure if she was supposed to be in here--this quiet, deserted, empty place; but she reasoned that since it was all those things, it would be ok. She stepped forward, over old piles of dust and long-left rusty chairs, things that told a history of squeaky clean floors and bright lights; neither of which remained. Grimy windows let in streaks of moonlight and she avoided them, feeling as if they would light something other than her skin, something she was trying to avoid. She didn't understand the feeling but she was so...quiet, at the moment, that she accepted it. There was a stage at the end of the long wooden floor and the left side had rotted away, collapsed upon itself. She aimed that way. She was moving on auto-pilot, because her brain was racing so fast that she wouldn't have remembered to breathe had she been in control of her body.

A stained white terrace wavered on the stage, faded fake leaves littered around it. Spencer sighed, looking up at it, and crossed her arms. She was starting to focus again. Some of the wilder thoughts that had fled through her brain were receding and the solid ones, the facts, were taking their place, a thousand times worse. She looked down to the ground, shifting on her feet. The crazy thing was, she was expecting tears; but they didn't come. She wanted them to. She didn't know which threw her more.

Spencer glanced up again and couldn't look at the stage anymore. Her eyes drifted to the walls and found a single chair standing upright. She walked over, slowly, and sat down. It wasn't until she leaned back against the seat that she realized how weak her legs were. Her arms were still crossed tightly over her chest and she crossed her legs as well. She felt closed into herself. She shut her eyes and tried to push out everything she had just witnessed. She could feel the tears coming and suddenly realized that she didn't really want them to come. She wanted control, she wanted to be able to recognize what was going on around her and the tears burning behind her eyes were breaking her control. Spencer forced her eyes open again, looking around the empy building with hazy sight.

A figure near the door caught her attention. The person was kind of hard to miss since she stood out in the dark and faded place, all light and beauty. Spencer looked away, trying desperately to push away the tears. She didn't want her to see the tears. The figure moved quickly, brushing through the dirt and grim, stepping into piles of dirt that Spencer had carefully avoided and sidestepping broken chairs. But the figure stopped suddenly in front of Spencer, her hands clutching her dress. She lingered in the corner of Spencer's eye. Spencer felt fingers on her chin, tilting her head up. She met dark brown eyes.

IOIOIOI

Ashley couldn't do anything else but kiss her.

There wasn't a bone in her body that would have allowed her to do anything but lean down and put her lips against Spencer's in the softest, lightest, most meaningful kiss she had ever given. The way Spencer stopped breathing, the way her eyes fluttered shut for half an instant, told Ashley it had been the right thing to do.

Spencer's mind was lost in thoughts of loss and betryal and fear, but her mouth was lost in a kiss of promise and desire. She thought maybe that was Ashley's trick- those kisses. The way they just swept her away. She pushed forward a centimeter, made the contact mean more, before she pulled back. There were seconds of quiet, with just the wind outside and the sound of her heartbeat in her ears breaking the silence.

"I love you." She admitted with a broken voice, and although she didn't know how the words would fix anything or change anything, she had to say them. She didn't want pity or rejection, she just wanted acceptance. She just wanted acknowledgement. Ashley's hands, lifting her dress above the dirt, went to cup Spencer's face. There were tears creeping out of the edge of Spencer's eyes. There weren't enough words to mend and meld and slide them back together- so Ashley just leant back down. Slowly, though she wanted to smother Spencer, calmly, though she desperately wanted to collect those words that had finally been spoken aloud. She kissed her once, then pulled the willing blonde up and out of the chair.

Spencer moved her fingertips up familiar trails against Ashley's upper arms until they brushed over cool shoulders and wrapped half around her neck. She kissed her once, twice. "I love you." She muttered again, into Ashley's mouth. Her hands drifted back down. Ashley's eyes closed. "Love. You." She kissed her jaw, her neck. "Ash..." Her collarbone. Finally, Ashley put her hands on Spencer's face, softly. Tilted it back up to her own.

"I...Spencer." She breathed. She didn't know what to say. How to explain. Spencer reached one hand up to twist Ashley's fingers with her own and tightened them by their sides. There was a tightening in her heart. She pulled Ashley's other hand down a few inches and moved her eyes toward the older girl's fingers.

"No wedding ring." She said, as if it were a simple fact that didn't release every heavy pressing against her body. Ashley shook her head lightly.

"There are a lot of mistakes." Ashley said.

"Not just our's." Spencer ammended. Ashley couldn't reply. Couldn't process Kyla's betrayals with Spencer's hand wrapped through her's. This is what she had needed, the loss of this was what had been cutting her up. This was _Spencer._

"No. But do you think they're too much?"

"We just need a beginning." Spencer said.

"A new one?"

"Just a real one."

"Do you think...you think that-"

"Does it matter?" Spencer's voice was soft.

"No." There was a long pause after Ashley's word and Spencer finally broke it, hand still entwined with Ashley's. She had no intentions of letting go, ever.

"Why did you...?"

"You." Ashley answered, firmly and softly.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

IOIOIOI

They were shaken. Like trees after a storm, branches littering the ground around them, rain soaked and trembling under a cold wind. Neither of them could help it, because it was beyond their control and beyond their individual repair. Their words were half-stilted and wouldn't have made sense to anyone who wasn't Spencer and Ashley. But their hands were entwined and their eyes met as if they couldn't look anywhere else. Paul was a ghost still hanging between them and he wouldn't completely disappear for a while- they had become so used to living under his presence. Betrayals by their friends had left them doubting themselves, but never each other. Their hearts wouldn't allow that.

Ashley was scared. Like, really, really suddenly left out in the cold, biggest change in her life scared. Her home was in ruins, figuratively and literally. Half her family had shoved her away, she'd had an affair. And no matter how deep her emotions ran for Spencer and how shallow and non-existent they had been for Paul, it still made her guilty. It wasn't something she would have done. But she had done it and now she was in a dark, abandoned building sans a fiancee and maybe a sister, with the girl who had made her want to do it. There were twists everywhere, complications and things she couldn't comprehend. It was confusing. And somewhere lingering, aching, below it all was the loss of a baby she'd never held. But when she looked at Spencer...

The blonde haired girl was unsure. The bonds were frayed between her and Ashley by misunderstandings and flat out refusals. Steps had been taken and then immediately taken back. She loved the other girl with the solid, steady beat of her heart, with a tug against it. She didn't understand- she thought maybe you weren't supposed to. Maybe there was one person in the whole world you were meant to love, _really_ love, against all the odds. And even when the odds seemed permanent and imposing, they meant nothing compared to the love of that one person. And so Ashley had been engaged to a man she didn't love and then she met her person- _Spencer_ was her person. And it couldn't have ended any other way. Because Ashleywas _Spencer'_s person. That's what the romantic in Spencer said, and when she looked at Ashley...

_Spencer_ made Ashley feel safe. In a wrap my arms around you, cry together, never let you down kind of way. _Ashley_ made Spencer feel safe, in a overcome everything, rock by your side, against the world kind of way.

It wasn't a comfortable safe, the kind you hide from the world with. It was an exhilirating safe. It was the we can do anything and I will always be at your side. We can conquer the world, because I am right by you. It was energizing and exhilirating and only a bit of everything they made each other feel. But it was the most important, at the moment. Because they didn't feel safe anywhere else, because they had been left out after the storm.

They were lucky, really. Because even though their world had shifted and changed and maybe let them down, that's when they found each other.

IOIOIOI

Ashley was still in her cream wedding dress, her curly hair pulled up and out of her face. Spencer sat beside her in jeans and a lacy white top. She was behind the wheel of Aiden's bright red Viper, speeding down the highway in the newly dark night. Ashley's dress had to be crammed into the car and Spencer had laughed while Ashley tried to gather all of it through the door. Ashley had shot her a look and then laughed as well and then they had collapsed into a fit of laughter- from relief or the unrealness of it all. And somehow Spencer had ended up leaning close to Ashley's face so she'd closed the last centimeters and kissed the girl- right on her nose. Ashley had wrinkled it when Spencer pulled away. The blonde smiled.

They were driving away- really far away -for the night. Ashley had joked about Spencer carrying her through the door and Spencer had just shaken her head. There was that familiarity that came so naturally to them, seeping back between. It made Spencer's heart thump, like it always did when Ashley was so near. The frantic of it had eased, but it still made her feel _better _whenever Ashley was around, like she was more herself and more alive.

They'd had a long conversation about feelings and stuff. It wasn't something either had ever done before, really, and it was stumbling and searching, but not as hard because they were both really bad at it. They had laughed, surprisingly, and found comfort sitting on that crumbling stage surrounded by fake leaves. It was better now. Faintly better, but nonetheless.

Ashley reached across the stick shift and took Spencer's hand in her's. She tightened her fingers through the blonde's. Spencer reached a long stretch of straight, almost empty road, and she gently eased her fingers from Ashley's. She turned her head and stretched her arm out to brush her fingers across Ashley's temple. The older girl smiled into her touch.

"I love you." Ashley said to Spencer, for the first time. The blonde let a soft, gentle smile slide onto her face. Ashley grinned, nose wrinkling.

"Say it again." Spencer asked, leaning closer.

"I love you." Ashley repeated, huskier. She touched her lips to Spencer's. Then, pressed harder. Spencer's hand stayed firm on the wheel. The words gave her such a rush, to hear what she had literally had dreams about. They were whispered so close. Spencer pulled back after a few seconds, so that they wouldn't run off the road. Ashley grinned at her again. Spencer grinned back, then had to look forward. Ashley fiddled with the radio. It buzzed static for a second, before a voice came on.

"...skies are slightly cloudy, with little chance of rain..." Spencer smiled to herself.

It was going to pour then, because for her even the smallest chance managed to overwhelm every obstacle.

_The End._


	25. epilogue

**Epilogue.**

It wasn't a terrifying word anymore.

There were different fears and regular hesitations attatched to it now, but it didn't bear down on them like something alive and very painful. It didn't weigh overhead, or press down against their hearts. In fact, it kind of sent a thrill through both of them. A silent thrill, a get on the phone and call your mom thrill, a make a scene in a resturaunt thrill.

Ashley had asked, of course. There weren't steady and structured lines between their relationship, but when the time came Spencer dropped the hints and Ashley bought the jewelrey. It happened in a quiet cafe at six in the morning, before Ashley went to work and right after Spencer's early morning jog. Their seperate habits had merged into a routine, one they had accepted without noticing, and this wasn't a break in it. This was a solidifying of it.

The word, breathed through Ashley's early morning lips and one Spencer could feel pouring toward her, down on her, made her heart jump. Ashley could still do that; at one in the morning when she crawled into bed with hooded eyes, at three in the afternoon when she squealed to a stop in her shiny sports car. And at six in the morning on her knee in a mostly empty coffee shop.

Spencer nodded her head, because words had failed her, and teared up and grinned and cried and laughed all at once, because everything-the word and the emotions and the jewelrey- it all ran swiftly through her, like a sudden flood or a rush of fire. It lit her up.

They didn't tell the people they had thought all their lives they would call, because they had broken bridges that weren't healed yet, that may never heal. They told new people, new friends who only knew half-stories but had shared wine and books and long nights with them. There was squealing and jumping and hugging, but when everyone went home they wrapped up in each other's arms and didn't cry for the longest while. Eventually, Ashley felt Spencer's warm tears on her neck and she tightened her grip. They let one night soak up the ache they wished they didn't have to feel.

Dinner was planned, family and friends invited. They wrapped hands around each other and went through everything as if it was a first. It was, really. _They_ were a first.

Paula came, newly sober with her eyes shining bright. Glen wrapped his baby sister up in the tightest hug he could manage, his lean muscles bulging under his suit jacket. Clay and Chelsea came, a child in both their arms, and Clay pulled off his glasses to wipe at a tear that threatened. Arthur came last and exchanged awkward words with Paula. When he saw Spencer, his whole demeanor changed.

That was when Spencer cried.

Christine came, of course. She was grinning so brilliantly Ashley couldn't stand it, so she just wrapped her mother in a hug and tried to drain some of that confidence. But she stopped when she saw who lingered behind the older woman. Kyla came, fingers toying nervously with her clutch. They hesitated in front of each other, but when Ashley opened her arms, Kyla fell into them. They hugged tightly, as tight as they had in three years ago before Ashley left.

That was when Ashley cried.

They were both missing people. Aiden and Madison had been forcefully forgotten, hated almost, and at the least despised. Truths had come out and when they were out of the mess, they could look back clearer. It didn't ease the sharp pain of betrayal.

But it wasn't scary, to them. They had each other.

Days passed and events came closer. Family members moved into hotels and spare bedrooms. They fell asleep each night in each other's arms, without that ache. Without that pain. Things had to be forgiven, because otherwise they couldn't be forgotten. Otherwise, Ashley and Spencer couldn't be whole.

Ashley got a new dress. Her old one held memories that she had to remember, but she didn't want to carry them everywhere with her. Spencer found the perfect one at the second store. They met raised eyebrows, but friendly smiles. They rented and bought and booked and talked and _fought_ until they were so close they were on the edge of their seats. And they fell asleep every night by each other, in their own apartment, with their own routine.

The night before, Spencer lay in bed by herself while Ashley slept a few miles away. She thought and she dreamed and she wished and she _felt_, most of all, because these were her thoughts and dreams and wishes and they were coming true. The word wasn't scary. It was _destiny_.

Ashley pulled the unfamiliar sheets around her shoulders and wondered if you were supposed to be this scared, this awed, by the next day. By the long event that would only ever happen once, because it was Spencer and of course it had to happen. There was promises and fate or something that pulled them together. She decided she wasn't scared. She was ready. It was a big word. It made her feel wanted.

When the day finally came with the rising of the sun, they were both asleep. Slowly, the momentum increased as their own mixtures of best men and bridesmaids woke them and brought breakfast, made them eat, laughed and joked and squealed and all they could think about was each other. Dresses were zipped up, cars flew back and forth, people arrived, everyone was talking all the time and when it turned quiet her stomach rolled and, quite suddenly, Spencer found herself in a fancy room surrounded by some of the people she loved. Voices echoed through the whole church as she waited, impatiently. She knew Ashley was a few rooms over. She could _feel_ her. Glen placed a gentle hand on her shoulder and she grinned, so widely.

Ashley let Kyla check the back of her dress as she examined herself in the mirror. Trey lingered to the right, looking more nervous than herself. Ashley's heart thumped and she couldn't remember if she'd ever been in possession of her stomach. She was gonna throw up, she knew it. Then she smiled, so softly and lovingly you would have thought Spencer was in the room. She wasn't, but Ashley could _feel_ her.

Then it was time.

Neither went in first. They hadn't known how to work it, until they'd seen the old, abandoned church. They went in together, from almost opposite sides. Their eyes met halfway through and Ashley smiled big. Smiled, so nervously. Spencer smiled back so softly it almost hurt. Ashley almost hurt, she looked so gorgeous. They met in the middle. They always met in the middle.

They were Spencer and Ashley.

The word wasn't scary anymore. It wasn't even hesitant or nervous or quiet.

It was real.

They were _married_.


End file.
